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I don't know where to start. I am not the person I am supposed to be. I look back on my life and I can pinpoint the place where everything started to go in the opposite direction, and it makes me wonder what type of person I am and who that other person is.

When I was younger, about 3 years old, My parents abandoned me. Both of them deny it, they have excuses, but I know its the truth. My Father was living in a Van at the time and I'm sure didnt care much about what happened to me. And my mother went on a trip to Florida, they left me at a babysitters place, a friend of the family. I was told that it was a horrific enviroment for young childeren to be in. My grandmother was the one who came and got me from there. She "kidnapped" me. (Only later in life would I learn that it was my sisters grandmother who called my grandmother up and told her where to find me. She died recently.) I went to live with her, my grandfather, and my cousin Kyle who is 3 years older than me.

As much as I can peice together, from stories and memory fragments, my life was mostly ok. My cousin Kyle is and was a disturbed person though. On several occations he tried to kill me, or get me sick enough to be hospitalised. Usually by trying to feed me poison or by tryng to injure me in various ways. The most important of all of these incidents happened when we were playing "Ninja Turtles" outside. He was standing on top of the Picnick table and threw a Rotissary at my head (A long metal peice with a sharp end for roasting chicken and other meats over fires or BBQ.) I can only remember what happened in the hospital when I faught off 3 nurses and they had to strap me down to staple my cut. Although I don.t remember the actual incerting of the metal stiches. If the pole had his less than an inch down I would be dead.

But I digress. My life was an ok one, I was never very popular but I had a hard enough time keeping up with my cousin who although tried to kill me was like a big brother to me and I idolized him like any other kid. And I stayed in shape for the most part. Later on when I was 7 and he was 10 he moved out and went to live with his parents, My grandmothers Daughter and my fathers Half-Sister, and I was left with just my Grandma and my Grandpa. being as they were the only family I had known up to this point I saw them as my parents. My grandfather would often come to my school and take me out for lunch. which was a great supprise when it happened and I felt good about it that the kids in school were made to stay behind. Although now that I think about it not being popular in school the probably felt better about me not being there.

When I was 10, my Grandparents split up. This devistated me greatly and me and my Grandmother moved out and in with my father (There arnt very many memories of my father between these two points but I do know that I would occationaly visit him, and my mother almost never saw me. I only have one memory of her from when I was living with my grandparents.) I didnt know much about my fathers life but he had a been dating a Woman who had two childeren, and I had to transfer schools. I have very strong memorys about this new school. Mostly because I was popular there. I had always got straight A's and it was nothing for me to keep that up. But I suddenly had to learn Cursive/Script Handwriting, and I made several friends doing so. I also remember learning on later on in life that on several occations my teacher had to call my grandmother and tell her that I was distracting in school, not because I was disruptive but because the girls wouldnt do their work and were talking about me instead. You can see how this would be a great ego boost and I can tell you it was. But it was also about this time that I foud out more about my father. Up to this point I had never really spent a long time with him and I learned very quickly that he was a Very Very angry person. He has Temperal lobe Epilepsy. And this causes him to become incredibly angry loose control and loose the ability to feel pain. On top of that he just has a very short fuse. And on several occations would lash out and hit not only me and his Step Childeren but my grandmother and His wife (they got maried somewhere in there) Which I never really thought about but I am sure caused some sort of mental problem for me.

So as soon as I was comfortable in this new school and making loads of friends and attracting all of the ladies attention, my grandmother moved us back, to the old house. And to my old school. I had to finish the year at my old school.

After that my grade decreased drasticly. I never became popular again, even after the school districts changed and I was transferred to a new school. I became very sad, I'm not sure if I was depressed. And I gained a lot of weight, I'm still not in shape and still have stretch marks, but I'm better.

Now I'm sure that I havent epressed exactly how strong of feelings I had during these expirences but its better than nothing. Those were the mild times.

In the summer of my grade 8 year (Meaning the summer after grade icon_cool.gif I went to stay with my mother. My Half -Sister had been living with her for quite some time now, and I had been seeing my mother more and more frequently during my grade 7 and 8 years. Being as I was starting highschool I thought it was time that I moved out of my grandmothers house. I loved moving in with her, although she had remarried it didnt effect me that much. And I enjoyed that would have time to spend with my sister as I didnt get to visit her that often. I mostly enjoyed living with my mom, but her husband is an a*****e. I didnt complain much though cause mo matter where you go you have to deal with asshholes. No I had never been one to notice girls or to even think about sex, although I had already started masturbating. (Its ok if I say that right?) But, and listen carefully this is neither easy for me to say or something I enjoy sharing so do not think anything adverse about it, I found my sister very pleasing to the eye. She was at the time very athletic and thin (but not skinny) while at the same time a strong girl. I still enjoy women with this build. Most of the time I couldn't help just staring at her or listening to her talk. Keeping my feelings to myself. But that only goes so far. Some time during my stay, my sister complained about being very tired, and she went and put on a very short pair of shorts and a t-shirt she enjoyed wearing. She had fallen asleep and I was in my room reading. When I came out I saw her on the couch and couldn't help myself. I walked over to her, quietly as possible, and touched her leg ever so gently, she opened them, I continued up her leg and could feel her. Needless to say that while I was doing what you can imagine I was doing(Vainal/Penile sex was not involved), I started to kiss her and I still dont know if she woke up or not because, I stoped and left her there on the couch after she orgasimed (Again I dont know what is allowed specifically, sorry.) But after that incodent, I have been completely and longingly attracted to her, and for the most part in love with her. But I never said anything and neither did she so I just acted like it never happened.

I eventually moved out of my mothers house, I dont remember if I went back to my grandmother or straight to my fathers house. It is irrelivent because I ended up with my father. During this time, I started hanging out with my cousin more (the one I used to live with), because he lived just down the street. One day after I had spend the night at his place, I was getting out of the shower, He ambushed me and raped me. At the time I was horrified of it, but never told anyone. and neither of us spoke of it. I continued life as if nothing happened. Although at this time there was a lot of things going on with my family, there had been a falling out betwwen my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin with my Grandmother. Both my cousin and my aunt, accused my Grandfather of sexual molestation, although charges where never filed for lack of evidence on everyones part, there just seemed to me a weight hanging over everyones head about it. And on several occations people accused my grandfather of doing it to me as well, and thought I have no recolection of this happening, I still find it Plausible because I dont remember much about my childhood that wasnt told to me.

When I had been living with my father for less than a year, We had to move. I great amount of pain had already been suffered by his hands and although I dont compare myself to abuse victims. The pain is still there. A few incidents come to mind but I dont think that they would help but to show that my father could be a very short tempered person. And I can just say it. It what happened after we had moved that was important to me. After we had moved, my father got the interent, this was the first time I had, had a home connection, I had used the internet enough times at school ar the library though. After he had got it I was allowed to use it at anytime. Which was a treat for me. During my first week of learning all I could about being "connected" I met a person online. And though most people feel that you cant have a real connection to a person just over the computer, I personally believe this is bull. I almost instantly fell in love with this person. My heart fluttered just to be able to talk to her on messenger (Imagine if I had met her I would have had a heart attack) My days consisted to attending my classes so that I wouldn't get a phone call home, and not making any trouble for the same reason, I didnt want anything to interrupt my time with her. For months I talked to her, learned everything about her and what she knew about, online "living" as we called it and RolePlaying. I so enjoy roleplaying. But then one day, she didnt come on, whcih was strange because she was homeschooled and was always online. And again the next day. And again the next. But then she came back on, I asked her where she was, but she just told me it was cause she was sick and wasnt allowed to leave bed. I figured this was a reasonable answer and didnt think much about it. This started happening on a frequent basis but I had also noticed that it happened on a scheduled basis.Then one day she left and didnt come back. it was 3 months before she came back online, and I seised the opportunity to tell her that I was in love with her. I still remember her exact responce to it "Heh, I always liked you too" which I simply rolled with joy at that. But it was to be short lived. I asked her why she hadnt been on, she tole me smething horrific. She had been in the hospital, she was dying, from lukemia. And she was terminal. I was devistated. I continued to write her emails as she could only use a limited amount of time on the computer and it was at different times then I was on. She wrote back but less and less, then one day they stoped. All of it stoped, her profile never updated again, none of the sites she went to had any new posts and no new emails went out. I cried myself to sleep for almost 2 weeks from when I was sure that there was never to be a responce again.

I shut myself off from there, I was a distant person. I went to school went home and that was it. I ate and slept and went on the computer barely even going to the bathroom. For months allthe way into grade 10. When my father had, had enough of this he told me that I spent way too much time inside and that I should be out making friends and having a life. And I decided that I should too, not because he said so but because it would prite him and that I wanted it partly. The very next day I started hanging out with some kids I had chumed aorund with way back in grade school. And a few weeks later had got myself a Girlfriend. I cared for her a lot, and when we broke up it was painful, but its not worth mentioning in the full scheme of things. The christmas proceeding that (I know I'm breaking chronological order) I had once again had a sexual encounter with my cousin. This time it was mutual, and on several occations we engaged in sexual relations. This I thought was mentionable. During the period after I was with this girl following those encounters, I had been slacking off pretty bad at school and my father now complained how I was never at home and working on my home work (I always thought you cant have it both ways) And he had beat me up. I took off to my ex-girlfriends (the one i just mentioned) And with the help of her mother and step father pressed charges against him. This point was all very confusing for me because I was with a rebound girlfriend at the time and my ex who was helping me and I were starting feel for each other again. Also her best friend and I had, had a fling and I was awkward around them both. But that is irrelivent.

After that, I moved in with my sister who was a mother at this point, and with someone. So I didnt mention anything to her about my years of lusting her. Being deeply protective of her was as far as I would show my love, as a brother should. I tired going to school in the town there but I couldnt and I had to move out because of living arrangements with her and her childeren. So i moved in with my mother but once again It didnt work out. My mother abondoned me again, this time at my fathers house, and with no where else to turn I had to stay. But that doesnt mean things got better. I tryed dating againb ut it was a flop and my girlfriend cheated on me, twice. My grades were still crap and I started using drugs. Not heavily but enough that I got used to it, and used it to forget about my life. I started hanging out with my cousin more and more, and getting drunk more and more. But again it wasnt a heavy usage just more than I used to do, which was almost zilch. Although I was never popular I had gained the friendship of a few people and my life was altogether getting better but my father got worse.

About two years ago. I met someone online again. She was interesting anf fun, and she lived extremely close to me, only a hundred miles or so. So I packed my bags and ran off to her. I was gone for only a week though because my parents came and got me even though I was assured that they wouldnt. After I had returned I had found out that my father had been posting a whole bunch of missing posters, I saw through the ploy. But everyone else fell for it. I resent that act of "kindness" more than anything else he has ever done. But I guess it reminded people that everyone is a person even if you dont like them and I became more noticible on the school radar. I actually enjoyed that I could change a whole school of people just by one act.

But I continued to see the girl I had met. I visted her twice during the time that we were apart. One time though I went to help her move. It was a great weekend. We had been keeping in touch for 4 months, and this time, no one came to pick me up. We called for a week and a half and no ne ever answered the phones or called back. Everyone claimed that I just wanted to stay, and I did but not like that. So once again they abandoned me. And my new life began. I still live with the same girl its been 2 years and she is pregnant, so I'm going to be a father, and I have a job that is a pain in the legs (Literally) and the pay sucks but its the best job I could get with not being able to pass highschool.

I have devolped quite a few problems over the years, I still love and lust for my sister, more recently my mother as well. I have somehow devolpoed a fear of phones, I am a complete sexual deviant, and enjoy many "strange things". I also have inherited my fathers quick violent temper, and it hurts me sometimes, to watch people have to put up with that. I still wet the bed at 19 and I'm not sure why. I most recently have been having problems remembering things I have done or said, and I have started talking loudly and walking in my sleep. I really want some help. There are a million questions about who I am and what I mean in the world and if I am who I should be or if I am just the after effect of my life. because when I look back I see a differet person.

The most troubbling thing now, is about violent thoughts. When I was younger I used to have horrible hallucinations, I used to write them off as "Monster in my closet" things, but now I realise that they werent just imaged I used to see them. Now i still see some hints of them in my life. A person here, or an image there and I am worried that they may be coming back. Its not only that but if I am aruound a person I look around for imaged I could kill them with. I visualise what It would be like to do it and how I would escape from the area. And more disturbing is that I have fantasies about having sex with young childeren. I know right now tht I would never do either of these things, but it feels like I'm slipping away sometimes. Becoming someone again that is not me.

Edit: Since I wrote this out the first time, I have also began contemplating suicide, or just leaving, not in a "I'm leaving" kind of sense but just walking off into nowhere and letting myself die in some random part of the world.

So do I.

I WANT to see someone about my problems but I just can't seem to get myself motivated enough to find the resources around here. I have asked some other people about where I could go or who I could see but no one knows anything. Its as if there are no places around here. Which wouldn't supprise me at all.

I have tried looking up on the internet as well but I still couldn't find anything for my area.

I feel ashamed about wanting to see a doctor. I want help but I don't want to have to put other people through that. I don't drive or own a vehicle so that would be a problem right there, it would mean interrupting someone elses life for me.