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 Posted: Thu Oct 01, 2015 9:55 pm
So many things happened in so little time, we barely had the sense to consider before we acted. How can we move forward from this, without looking back at what brought us here? A prequel to the alternate hexes in which we see how different people cope with the greatest loss. Appearances include, Tsukiko, Palian, Ian, Nemo. (List to be altered as story progresses. ) The time space includes post death, pre death, process of grief and post grieving. Actual timeline will vary depending on character and state of mind. Inspirational song: Remember When
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Posted: Thu Oct 01, 2015 11:52 pm
"If he hadn't insisted on picking me up from school"
There have been a million times within the last two days that I've said, or thought these words. It's gotten to the point that I'm not even sure anyone is hearing me. I just keep forming the words with my lips. It's like the part of me that controls my body just can't seem to grasp the concept that he's dead. That he's gone. It's like a glitch, unable to fully process the concept before crashing and beginning again.
And each time someone happens to see or hear me, they get the most depressing looks. They smile, the kind with barely held tears and trembling lips. As if that is suppose to give me comfort. Often times this is accompanied by a hug, or some other form of contact. I wonder if this is supposed to be comforting. All it really does is make me feel nauseous, which isn't a change since I've not really been eating.
Side note, people keep telling me to sleep more. That I look worn out. Every time they do, it makes me want to pull out my hair and scream at them.
"Of course I'm exhausted! How can I ever sleep again, you fool!" At least those would be the words I'd think to say. What I actually responded with almost always seemed to be ten times worse. However, no matter how short, vulgar, or outright offensive I sounded, no one really seemed to mind. They'd usually just give me that nauseating smile and pretend to forgive me. People who are in shock apparently get a little leeway when it was concerned with public etiquette. It just made me want to speak less, do less, be present less. I just couldn't take seeing those expressions anymore.
And the only company I sought, almost religiously, were those who didn't give me those looks. Instead, they shared the same countenance of someone who could not understand how this could have happened. It hurts to even think it, but my now only brother and our childhood friend seemed to be the only ones to truly get that I was broken. They didn't try to ask me stupid questions. In fact, they looked like they were broken too.
But even that does not comfort me. I feel too disconnected to feel anything, even gratitude, or empathy. I want to panic, I know that this is not good. But my logic and my emotions do not work in accordance with my body. I feel like a zombie. Is this what they mean by being brain dead? The fact that I can even think that is probably proof to the contrary, but still I know that I can't be in my right mind.
Everyone around me is moving with purpose, but I can do little more than to nod, or follow simple directions. I know that they worry. I just can't bring myself to care. How can I pick up the pieces and move on when I can't even figure out how many pieces I have to gather back together?
(Thought I'd kick it off with a little first person from Nemo's point of view. Just a broad overview of the first few days after the incident. I may go into more detail, but for now I think this really captures how he lashes out instead of trying to get at the root of his grief, wherein he will begin to heal. Let's hope he gets there.)
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Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2015 4:32 pm
No matter how bright the sun shone down on her, she couldn't register it's warmth. Time continued to pass, and life around her continued on. Why wouldn't it? It wasn't as if Ian had been the center of the world, it didn't matter that he was her inspiration. So now here she sat in front of the still fresh grave underneath a willow tree. Part of her knew there were people, living people, that needed her. In her mind a dark voice spoke to her. It let her feeling hollow, knowing that and thinking of all the things her friend would never get to do...all the things they'd never get to do together.
Part of her had grown out of that silly crush, but she still couldn't help view her friend as the ideal boyfriend. After all she was everything she wanted, and he had treated her with such kindness. That kindness had earned him this permanent home in the ground. She questioned his motives, and no matter how hard she tried not to..she still blamed herself.
Why hadn't I just waited at school with Nemo. Why did I decide to head home early for that audition. Why had Ian tried to pick me up instead of just letting me and Nemo walk home...Her mind raced back over and over again, she replayed the final moments of Ian's life in her head. Part of her was thankful, at least Nemo and Palian hadn't seen their brother's death.
Still every time she closed her eyes, all she could hear it the screech of metal and the screams of those around her. If she hadn't been there he wouldn't have gotten caught int the accident. Brushing the tombstone as if the name would disappear and this would become the grave of someone else.
"I have to go now, but I'll come visit again soon alright?...I forgot to tell you, they let me postpone the audition, they are coming back here is six months. I'll get that chance we talked about after all. It's all thanks to you and Palian." She gave a sad smile to the grave as she got up and brushed off her knees.
Leaving the shade of the tree, she still couldn't feel the last warmth of the sun before it set. She had come here every day since the funeral, even if she knew the boy couldn't hear her...it still made her feel a little better. Now she had a different stop to make today, something she had been avoiding...one of the things she had been avoiding.
Knocking on the door to the house next to hers, she didn't wait for anyone to let her in. After all she knew the woman would never answer the door anyway. After a quick stop to the kitchen, where she sat the food she had picked up from her own house. Her brother was back at college, and her mother was headed off to work. So every day after her trip the the cemetery she brought food to the grieving family.
Taking a deep breath she slowly climbed the stairs to the boy's bedroom, a task that she had done a thousand times, but what she wasn't expecting what the boy at the other end of the hall. Gasping she lost her footing before nearly tumbling down the stairs she had just climbed. It wasn't their likeness, just the sheer appearance of her friend had surprised her.
"I came by to drop some food off..." She murmured as she tried to calm her racing heart.
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Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2015 6:59 pm
Palian looked up, an empty glass in hand, hair tussled and clothes looking ruffled as if he'd slept in them. At first glance he was easily mistaken for his brother, a common enough occurrence being twins and all. However, where Ian had always been the calm easy going one, Palian was the obnoxious hard headed one. He was always getting into trouble, and Ian was always there to get him out of it. It was the one thing that differed between them, that spark of mischief. Ian was a straight arrow, Palian a loose one.
It took him a moment to register who he had unintentionally startled, but when he did his expression looked a little less bland and a little more amused. Tsukiko was always a klutz. It was a wonder that she hadn't broken something before now going up those precariously steep steps.
"You know the feeling you get when you arm falls asleep. Like really asleep. So numb that you can't feel it when you flex until it suddenly gets blood flow again then it hurts like a mother. . . " he trailed off, eyes focused on his fist that was demonstrating the idea. After a moment he looked at the girl before him and the amusement bled away, leaving only a lost expression.
"Never mind. Thanks for the food though. You really shouldn't have." He stood in the hall, uncertain how to proceed.
"Don't worry bro, you'll do fine. I'll pick up the youngins and we'll have a huge dinner to celebrate your new job."
"That's if I even get it."
"Don't be so negative. They'd be crazy not to take you. You're the best photographer this side of the rising sun."
"Flattery will get you nowhere."
"It's gotten me this far, hasn't it?"
Palian had forgotten in all the hustle of the last few weeks to tell them his news. No one noticed his comings and goings anyway, to preoccupied with themselves and their own grieving to pay him any mind. Which was for the best in his opinion. How could he really present it to them anyway?
'Hey, remember the day Ian died, ya I got this really great freelance job. I get to take pictures of models for magazines. It pays really well and I wont have to worry about college or getting a place, because I'll get to do a bunch of traveling and I'll get to do all those awesome things me and Ian had talked about.'
Ya, he knew that wouldn't have gone over well. Even now, he had an open ticket that was going to take him to New York. But he hadn't gone, couldn't go. Not yet.
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Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2015 9:03 pm
"It's nothing, mom eats at work and I've got nothing else to do." She gave half a smile to him. Why hadn't she just told him weeks ago. Weeks? Why hadn't she just told him back at Christmas? Right because she was a coward, and now it didn't even matter. Maybe it was better she had confided into Ian back then, then he would think he was breaking her heart with his death. "I should get going now, sorry for intruding so much. I just know Nemo won't eat unless I force him to. Though he probably think I'm still trying to poison him."
It was to late for this, she long missed her chance to be in either boy's heart. So she fixed her scarf and went to to leave before giving him one last glance. This was one of her best friends, and she was running away. His twin brother was dead, it was her fault, and she still couldn't figure out what to do about her feelings.
"Hey, this probably sounds really stupid...but Ryo is having a party this weekend. I don't want to go alone, but if you'd like to it might be fun." She gave him a softer smile and turned to head down the stairs. "Oh and tell Nemo thanks for cleaning the Tupperware, I was starting to run out of things. Oh and if there is anything specific you'd like for breakfast tomorrow, just let me know."
Okay, so it wasn't anything new. She had been cooking for Nemo for a long time now. Just because she knew no one else probably did, and because he was so thin still. Tsukiko still got adventurous with spices, but it was clear that she was still mourning. Her cooking had been tamed, and lacked her experimental style. If he looked close enough her eyes had lost their brightness, and bags that she usually only saw on Nemo hung to her eyes.
Taking one stair at a time, like she always had. Extreme caution, knowing she'd fall for the 284th time since the boys started keeping track. No they wouldn't anymore, so she didn't trip. She took the stairs with grace, not wanting to bring any pain or reminder to Palian. He was a hear headed idiot, but just a few weeks ago she had been ready to ask him to be her idiot. His style and mischief had always inspired her.
And she refused to let him beat her on the piano.
"I'll see you later, Palian." Actually she'd continue to avoid him. She doubt he had noticed his life had been more Tsukiko less, even before Ian's death. Having finally lost the courage to tell him. He'd never flirt with her that way, she was just the annoying little sister that wanted to play with her brothers. It made her smile fondly as she though about how she had chased them around their yard. Then one day she had grown up, and she was a young woman. Clothes, makeup, and boys became so very obvious to her. Her chase had turned into something else entirely, and if course she thought it would be a great idea to kiss him on her birthday last year. When everyone else was asleep, and they had decided to stay up late. Truth or dare that ended in a incredibly stupid situation for her.
Quickly wiping her eyes. She wished Ian was here. He'd burst into the hall and save her from Palian, just like a big brother should. Something her own brother had never given enough of a s**t to do. So now she only had herself to look after her, because Palian would never look at her as anything other than a model.
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Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2015 10:11 pm
Palian moved with the ease he did all things, like a swimmer slicing through water. His arms wrapped around her shoulders and his face buried in her hair before she could take more than a few steps down the stairs. He didn't even register the sound of the glass thudding on the carpet. Her back was to him, or she would have seen the tears that welled in his eyes. However his voice was perfectly clear despite being in her auburn locks.
"I'll go. . . if you want me to," he responded. Not that he cared about Ryo, or the countless nameless people that would be there. To them, he could easily done his mask and face the world with a smile. No, he'd go, because one of the few people who saw beyond that asked it of him.
He knew that she felt guilty, even if it wasn't true. She didn't cause Ian's death. But pain that runs this deep has to come from somewhere, so the brain always has to come up with a reason. Palian didn't have the heart to tell her that the world was a cruel place and that it would snatch any bit of good that it found and squash it. But the words could not leave his lips. For though he knew the truth of it, it hurt too much to voice it. Like giving the boogie man more power by saying his name.
"But I can't guarantee I'll be very good company," he added, choking back an unexpected sob. 'Damn it,' he thought. 'This was why she was probably staying away. She thinks that she's hurting us by being here. I can't let her think that.' Palian tightened his hug a little.
"Do you have to go?" He hated how pleading his voice sounded, but he couldn't help it. Tsukiko was one of the few people that really understood him and his brother, hell she even admitted that she loved him once. He didn't discount its truth by the mere fact of intoxication. In his experience, people were more truthful drunk than sober. He hadn't wanted to push her about it til she was ready, but damn it she was needed here. Couldn't she see that? Their mom was lost in her prayers and her God that stole her golden child away. She had no room for the two deemed unseemly in her eyes.
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Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2015 10:57 pm
Tsukiko froze when he touched her, she wasn't expecting it to say the least. As soon as he did, she was unable to hide her tears. No matter how hard she bit her lip, her tears would cease.
"I think your the best company-" Her voice caught in her throat, and she found herself turning. As always she lost her footing so they both fell back to the carpet. Tsukiko didn't care, all she wanted was to hold him close. All selfish reasoning gone, because this was her friend. Someone that loved her no matter how many times she messed up.
"I can stay." Was all she could manage out hid her face now. It didn't matter how many girls he flirted with, if he called for her she'd drop everything. Trying her best to be strong for once, if only for him. Nemo saw through it, and she figured Palian would to. Still she would try her best to be strong for him.
"Palian, would you like to just hang out...just me and you tonight?" She finally looked up at him. He'd probably see through her mask, but his had already broken. "Because...I'd really like to just sit next to you for a while. If that's okay with you."
It was stupid, but every time she looked out her bedroom window to window next to her...She wondered if he ever looked back, hoping to catch a glimpse. She did. Just wanting to make sure he was okay. She could knock on Nemo's door, make him come eat and get ready for school. At least try and make him keep up with class. Though with summer break getting closer, no one really cared.
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Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2015 11:49 pm
Palian yelped when the girl had turned, cause them both to fall back into the carpeted hallway. His knees had buckled at the top step and his head swam a little from the fireball he'd downed not moments before, but he was more surprised than hurt. Heart pounding for more than one reason, he looked at the tears that quickly ran down her face to fall onto his shirt.
He barely managed to smear one track away with his thumb before she buried her face in his chest. Palian couldn't help the slight tremors that vibrated his body as he clutched at her like a life vest. 'She's gonna stay,' he thought with a sigh. It was a relief. For once, he hadn't ruined everything. Ian would've patted him on the back, had be been there to do so. The thought made Palian hug the girl atop him even closer.
"Yes," he answered simply, his voice already sounding raw from the alcohol and tears. "So, netflix and chill?" he asked jokingly after taking a moment to calm his breathing. He knew it wasn't really the time for jokes, but it made him feel more himself. And right now, he needed just a little more of that.
"I still have that nice flat screen in my room, the one you can see from your house," he mentioned suggestively. He remembered all the times she'd show up at just the right time to join them for various movie nights. They never really had to tell her, all she had to do was look out her window to see him fiddling with the settings in prep for the show. She didn't know, but he always angled it so that the speakers would blast her way, hoping that it would catch her attention. Palian was more of a suggester, than an inviter.
Knowing that they couldn't stay there for long, he motioned for her to help him up. One thing they didn't want to do was both the sermon that was currently wafting from downstairs. Another was to bother the black hole of a room that contained his little brother. He hadn't seen much of him lately, but when he did it was clear that something would need to be done soon about him. Poor kid was passively trying to follow his brother, despite Taukiko's attempts to feed him. Palian saw more than once how Nemo would take it to be polite, play with it til it was cold then toss it without a bite. And he wasn't sleeping again. Bouts of insomnia always plagued him, but it had been years since it was this bad.
Quietly, he lead her to to his room. The space was larger than some of the others rooms, mostly because two people had grown up in it. The kids had all spent some amount of time there, playing games, watching shows, telling stories or planning adventures.Now it sat quiet and solemn. Two beds were positioned on opposite sides with a path between and an open space at the end. Palian sat on the corner of one, looking at the bottle half empty on the nightstand. He was ashamed, but it gave a temporary relief and was worth the effort it took to sneak in. Maybe he'd give Nemo some later, to help him sleep.
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Posted: Wed Nov 11, 2015 9:29 am
Thee was always the threat of a sermon that their house. Tsukiko had seen it more than enough times. She did her best to steer clear of the boy's mother, but she never bothered steering clear of her boys. Though Tsukiko wondered if the three week period when she was five had actually happened. She had been forbidden to enter the house or see her friends due to the devil that apparently lived inside of her. She never did know if it had been the boys or their mother.
Either was she followed Palian into his room. It wasn't odd, nor unseen for her. Though she had always felt cool by his invitation. After all she was still a high school student, but she doubted the feeling would ever go away. Tsukiko doubted any other girl kept two secret bags in her neighbors bedroom. As soon as they entered she kicked off her shoes and shrugged of her coat.
Tsukiko never blinked at the collection of bottles. Who was she to judge? That and she knew he would never care for her opinion on the subject. So Tsukiko never bothered. "Please you just keep it on that wall so you could watch me late at night." She had always wondered if he attempted to, but figured it was what porn was for. Reaching under his bed she pulled out her bag, how many times had he got annoyed with her for keeping it there.
There was an identical one under Nemo's bed. Just in case Palian would refuse her this one. One boy would always side with her. Having kept a bag a spare clothes at their house since she was very young. Never knowing when she would spend the night.
"I'm changing so if you don't want to see cover your eyes." He had seen her in bathing suits and god knows what else over the years. So she threw her school clothes off and pulled on the baggy sweat shirt that was basically a dress, and a pair of leggings. She would be lying if she said she didn't want him looking at her. Then again he had rubbed off on her, and she did enjoy being the occasional tease.
Plopping on the bed next to him, she quickly stole the remote and began flipping through the options. She sat with their shoulders pressed together. "I would ask if you've changed your sheets since your last hook up, but I honestly doubt the current freshmen that is lusting after you has ever even seen you in person." It was a small town, and Tsukiko knew she wasn't the only person that sought his attention. Still she always felt a special pride as she sat this close to him.
But how could she forget the empty bed, just out of her sight. So she just gripped the remote and tried to shove through it. Ian wouldn't want her to be sad, after all he had better things to do than Netflix and chill. Palian had always tried to get her attention with his speakers, and maybe once or twice she had snuck into his room when no one else was awake.
Still there had always been the threat Ian would wake up, or Nemo would walk in. Now Tsukiko realized they were alone. It held a bittersweet tone in her heart. So she looked over at the bottles and took one that was half empty. "Can I have some?" She ask faking that she wasn't on the verge of tears now. Finally alone with her childhood crush, and she was crying over his deceased brother.
"Its it stupid...I'm so happy you want me to be here right now. I've felt so lost....but you letting me stay...."
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Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2016 8:17 pm
Its been a few months now, and I can see a subtle change in everyone. Gradually, they all seemed to pick themselves up and move along. One by one, they dried their tears, wiped their eyes and said their fair wells. The crowds that had so readily filled our house to console us, primarily our mother, had dwindled. Even now, there's only the occasional faithful church goer, someone who didn't quite believe us when for all intense purposes, we were fine.
Even Palian, seemed to fall behind a veil of cheerfulness. Him and Tsukiko have been spending more time together and I don't have to try hard to figure out why. The thought sickens me, not because I disapprove, but because I feel like they've found a secret way to move beyond this tragedy.
So one by one, I'm left alone. My brother and friends are off laughing on some adventure or mild trouble, my mother devout in her christian duties. And here I am, in my room, cradling the last figurine I'd made with Ian. We'd taken up whittling together during a small bout with cub scouts. None of us stayed with the troops long, but the skill became a fun hobby that brought us closer.
It was a bear, holding a fish. At least that was what it was supposed to look like when it was done. I hadn't touched it in almost a year, thinking we'd have all the time in the world to get it done. But that's never the case.
So with my trusty pocket knife, I'd been chipping away at the block. It was only after a large piece had snapped off and blood started dripping onto my workbench that I even realized I was crying. I stared at the cut that ran deeply up my palm, mildly surprised that I could even feel the pain. I'd felt nothing for so long. I was so numb.
I contemplated. What was really the point? Why did we make friends, have children, marry? Why did we work so hard to make these connections when we had to leave them all behind? When we were left behind?
I didn't want any of it, if it meant that I was only going to be hurt. Living life with a wound so deep, never to truly heal. And to know that I'd be the pity of anyone that knew. I didn't want pity. I wanted my brother back. I wanted to see his smiling face again. I wanted to spend endless afternoons with him, carving and playing games and just talking philosophy. Hell, I'd have settled for just one more day.
I set the statue down and gazed at my rapidly filling palm. I thought, what if I just let this cut stay open? Maybe add a few more? A few minutes to feel something sharp and real like the pain in my chest, then fall to sleep. Maybe I'd go join him. Maybe he's just waiting.
But then the clouds parted enough outside to cause a bright sunbeam to shine through my window and over my shoulder to the statue. The bears head looked fierce, one paw reaching out from the rest of the block. A drop of red shining on its muzzle.
It was then that I grabbed one of my shirts and wrapped it around my hand. Wiping my eyes roughly with the back or it, I closed my hand tightly around the cloth, already feeling thick and sticky. I may not know why I'm still here, why he had to go so soon, or what the point of trying is, but I know that he wouldn't want me to just give up. Ian was a fighter.
We all are.
"We'll swap stories someday, Ian."
I just have to find the answers for myself.
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