Welcome to Gaia! ::

This post is half rant and half call for help. I just don't know what I expect anyone to say, but if you have something let me know.

So, i've identified as transgender for a couple years at this point, but only recently started exploring things, starting with therapy. The whole thing has kind of built an insane amount of momentum and now my journey seems like running downhill. Stopping would be difficult and would likely have me getting hurt. However the more I run the harder it is to watch my step, and It's getting very hard to get a proper foothold. I want to scream, but that is really hard to do since all my favorite scream spots are in the national park which was closed due to excess rain. These past few weeks I have been jumping all over the place, excited to anxious. Or sometimes euphoria to nearly suicidal. I've been in a darker place than I'd ever gotten before (and I've seen the dark). But alternately I've never been so happy in my life that I'm becoming free.

All this, mind you, and I havent started taking any form of hormones. I could, but there are certain funding issues. I understand that is a recurring issue in the trans-world. Two things are becoming super apparent to me. The first, is that I use apparent a lot and misspell it every single time. The second, is that I really need to find an ally or two, friends. I never had many, I currently dont have any. Certainly not in the real world. I'm having trouble containing this new me that keeps changing every minute, every day. I don't know what to think about it because i'm changing before I can even come to terms with what has changed.

I've heard the experience referred to as a second puberty. Puberty was cake compared with this.

I keep getting this advice, which is usually a sign you should listen but... How? How do you stop the proverbial pandora's box after you opened it? I haven't even gotten to the physical transition part of things, and when the questions come up I can't just stop thinking about them!