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VaymaGumi

Shirtless Kitty

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PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2015 5:56 pm


So this is my first post aside from the whole introduction... I hope it's alright

It's a dare
A question
of your strength
your will
to push
deeper
into my skin

Raise your gavel
tell me
I've committed
treason
against
her highness
I'll smile
despite tears
and ask
as cutting
as it feels
'What crime
have I committed?'

I just
wanted to be
alone
was that my fault?
To want
on my own accord?

Oh
I promise
I won't grow angry
as you once did
if you leave
because
damn
it's a dare
 
PostPosted: Sun Jun 14, 2015 8:03 pm


Hm! This is pretty interesting. I just wish it was written in a better format. It's visually interesting written a few words to each line, but it makes the rhythm feel unnatural. Does that make sense?

For instance, the first group could be arranged more like this:

It's a dare
A question of your strength
Your will to push deeper
Into my skin

Just a thought! 3nodding

ValkaEmirin

Shadowy Gawker

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VaymaGumi

Shirtless Kitty

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 29, 2015 9:02 am


ValkaEmirin
Hm! This is pretty interesting. I just wish it was written in a better format. It's visually interesting written a few words to each line, but it makes the rhythm feel unnatural. Does that make sense?

For instance, the first group could be arranged more like this:

It's a dare
A question of your strength
Your will to push deeper
Into my skin

Just a thought! 3nodding


I understand what you're saying, however it was arranged this way on purpose. I wanted the writing to seem awkward and forced. I do see where you're coming from though, and i thank you for your insight.

I generally write in a very free kind of way, lacking both rhyme and structure, instead focusing on how it sounds in my own head. To me personally, I put so many lines because it created more pauses, causing the piece (to me, anyways) to need to be read slower, there by allowing hidden messages to come to light.

But really thank you, I'll keep your advice in mind for future works yum_puddi
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Poetic/Songs

 
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