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I feel kinda shy writing this down, but at the moment I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. I'm a 19 year old girl, currently with a boyfriend for a couple of years, approx. 3 years I think. This post is about him. Better said: about us. I don't think I can take it anymore.

I've also posted this in Life Issues under a mule, I kindly ask you not to give out this username there.. But I figured people here are more likely to read long and stupid posts than at LI.. Dunno if that's true.


About him, you can skip if you want
I'll keep this as short as I can.. Ok, my boyfriend, he's not the easiest person to be going out with. He has social phobia and has been badly raised by his parents, then was isolated from the world in the most crucial time of one's life: between 13 - 16 years and he still is isolated (he met me when he was 16 years). So basically, this created a kid in a grown up body. He's immature, although I can cope with that easily. He has a very low self-esteem which drives him into finding all kind of weird passions and interests that suddenly bloom, for one month, and then die away, seeking something he's good at. And all that time he will bother me with that. He's addicted to the pc, because when he was isolated (caused by the death of his dad), he had nothing else to do. He's incapable of a bit of empathy, or well, his empathy is very limited, although this is going better now. He never had an understanding for my feelings or thoughts, in fact, I was never able to talk to him about my issues, because he never gave me the impression he cared. He does though. So he says.

Here's the deal (you should read this, lol)
I've done all I could for him (he has social phobia and is isolated, no social life, extremely shy, he has basically no life and addicted to pc, missed a lot of vital lessons in life which makes him kinda hopeless sometimes, most of the times). I've given everything I have in me, I've sacrificed myself in every way I could think of in a hope of helping him getting his life back. We're going out for 3 years and he NEVER had a conversation with my parents, as shy (social phobia) as he is. Understandable, but after three years, it's SO tiring. Whenever we go out in town, he cannot have fun with me, you know, be crazy.. confused That's not even the problem. He has simply never returned the effort. I've tried more to help him than he ever has for himself. All my efforts were in vain. Now, we're back at where we started. Nothing got better. Nothing at all.

Like: (no need to read, just to illustrate the situation):
He never even went to the job I got for him. He quit school after three months after I got him there - and in those three months he rarely went there. He's completely dependant of his mother and a friend of hers who lives at them. He's incapable of starting something and properly finishing it. HE NEVER RETURNED THE FAVOR. He's never here for me when I really need him. He went to this clinic thing to get rid of his phobia (again thanks to me) and was kicked out after three months due to lack of motivation, and he promised me that now things would be different, that he would find a job or school or at least get out of the house at least once a day. This was three months ago. WE'RE BACK AT WHERE WE STARTED. It's as if, as if NOTHING happened, as if we're back in time.



What do I do? I feel as if I'm suffocating. We're going out for three years and I've put all my efforts in this relationship because I really love him, with my heart and soul and everything, and he loves me back, even more than I love him I think.

But I simply see no future in us. I mean, I always try to enjoy the present and not look back on the past or look forward to the future - but after three years of going out, that doesn't work anymore. We started talking seriously about perhaps moving in together, etc.. You know.. But now, I'm the one who leads this relationship.. If I one day would say, I don't do anything for us, this relationship would fall to crumbles because I'm the one who organizes everything, when we go out or whatever.. Isn't that supposed to come from both sides? I don't intend to be, for the rest of my life, a fostermother instead of a girlfriend, or wife.. Yet, I love him, really, a lot. pb]And I'm SO, SO afraid of hurting him. I don't want to break up because I don't want to hurt him. And I'm very afraid I will regret it. I'm afraid of the pain, I'm afraid of regret, I'm afraid of missing him, afraid of the guilt I will most certainly feel when I see him devastated at my hands.


..My question is far more simple than my story.. Has anyone ever felt like this, felt like they could continue in a relationship even if they don't love him/her anymore, just.. just not to hurt the other one, just not to have the risk to be hurt yourself, to live a life in regret?


..I'm 19.. Shouldn't I be having fun in life, you know, instead of.. of this mess? What do I do? Please, does anyone have an answer? crying

I have read this to its entirety and have a lot to say, but no time at the moment. I will rush to this as soon as I can.

Thank you.. So much. smile Just for reading. I hope you find the time to reply..



Well, if only we would know how he felt.. There are few jobs that can be done from home. Besides, he knows as well as I do that doing a job from home will not help him, as there's nobody there to motivate him and less or more force him to do it.. He has a problem with that.. He is incapable, he's unable to get himself to do something. He needs either a _very_ good motivation or someone to give him a kick in the butt and that's not an idea I have, but something he has said.



Yes. Except that my boyfriend is not so motivated as your husband is.. That he doesn't really _WANT_ to get help, and _WANT_ to get better.. Add to that the problem of being incapable of doing things without a very good motivation or that kick in the butt.



I know how terrifying it is. I never forced him. He wanted to as well. I'm not sure what you mean by online schooling, but if you mean being taught online - that doesn't exist here. He has tried, also with my encouragment, to do something that resembles homeschooling. Basically he received this whole stack of paperwork and it's a study that takes a year.. You do it by yourself, at home.. You'll never go into class, or even meet your teacher.. You send in your homework, they check it, and send it back.. Via snail mail.. He kept this up one week and then he quit.



I would.. If only I wouldn't have enough trouble with my own social life.. If I can't even find my own friends as it is, or well, for the moment...... Instead, I try to encourage him to go out of the house a bit more.. Friends don't materialize out of thin air.. Such as letting the dogs out..! Or buying his own sigarettes. He's capable of doing that, he can, it doesn't frighten him, he is now able of walking in a shop and buying something thanks to therapy and walking the dogs, as long as no social contact is required, has never really been a problem.. He just doesn't.... I can't magically get him some friends, either, efforts from his side is required as well..



I have tried, and I understand him, for four to five years. We've been together for three years, but I've known him before. I do understand, I really do.. It just... This relationship just doesn't make me happy anymore. Everything has to come from me.. Even if we're just alone, together.. You know.. I've got limits as well.. I love him, I really do.. But I don't know if I can keep this up. I simply don't. People have been telling me how much I've changed. I noticed, too, how my life has been getting worse and worse and how I rarely feel good, just you know, randomly feel good, because the sorrow is always there..


..You're the first one to say to stay with him.. That's good to hear.. For a change..

Do what you feel is best... life goes on, just don't kill yourself!