Welcome to Gaia! ::

Mind Over Matter

Back to Guilds

A guild for the Psychonauts b/c shop. 

Tags: roleplay, psychic, psychonauts, double fine, breedables 

Reply ⍚ Public Archives ----- Old Threads
[E] Devlin Ryder & Freddy - Crit please

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

kaliskanny

Toxic Grunny

15,200 Points
  • Lapin Patrol Avior: Victory! 50
  • Team Devin 200
  • Somebody Likes You 100
PostPosted: Sat Nov 29, 2014 8:29 pm


User Image


CAMPER FORM


Name: Devlin Ryder
Alias: Lucky
Age:11
Gender: Male
Powers: Clairvoyance
Aura: blue, high frequency, yellow

Appearance: Devlin is a thin young man with dirty blond hair. He likes to ear over sized sweaters and a puffy vests. With his too long, skinny jeans it almost gives him a Marty McFly appearance. His eyes are large and have a reddish tint to them, which he often shades with the hat he got on his tenth birthday. His friendly demeanor combined with his bear back pack make him easy to approach, as well as a perfect target for bullies.

Personality:Even though he's quite unlucky, Devlin has a lot of courage. He never gives up, even when faced with bad things happening around him. Once he sets his mind on a goal, he persists on trying to accomplish it. He can be shy at times, but opens up once he gets to know someone.

History: Devlin loved going to the local pizza place when he was younger, enjoying the animatronic puppet shows. His parents took him every year for his birthday and anytime they wanted to reward him for school work.Then everything went bad on his tenth birthday. He got an itchy feeling in his forehead, between his eyebrows. It felt like something was wrong, or something terrible was about to happen. He couldn't explain it, but he wanted to leave. He told his parents that he was ready to go because his head hurt. His dad nay-sayed it, trying to get Devlin to join him for a picture in front of Blozo the Dancing Bear. He felt the creeping unease even more and tried to warn his dad, but the giant bear puppet malfunctioned and electrocuted Devlin's dad. Devlin doesn't remember much after the incident, blacking out shortly after. Later he woke up in the hospital, ebbing memories of seeing his dad from the eyes of someone else. He was confused by this and pushed it aside. This wasn't the end of the strange visions. While in the hospital, he kept seeing himself through the eyes of the nurse and doctor taking care of him. He told them and his mother about it, despite their concerned expression. Later, a darkly dressed stranger came to talk to his mother about the camp. Devlin was told that when he got well, he would be attending.






User Image


Name: Freddy
Species: Fazbear
Owner: Devlin "Lucky" Ryder

Appearance: Freddy is your average overy stuffed bear with eerie red eyes. He has matted brown plus fur, giving him a well loved appearance. A red bow tie and purple top hat complete his look.

Personality: While Freddy doesn't move around, he does give off an eerie vibe, as if there is something sinister about him.

History: Devlin aquired Freddy as a gift from his dad on his tenth birthday, shortly before the incident. Because it was the last thing his dad ever gave him, he takes Freddy everywhere...but bad luck seems to follow the bear as well.
PostPosted: Tue Dec 16, 2014 7:45 am


kaliskanny

Hey there, Kali!
Sorry about the wait.

There's a couple things we need to sort out with Devilin, here.

First off, could you please find hex codes for the aura colors? We use them for individual certs and wouldn't want to give you a shade you're unhappy with!

Moving onto the profile at large, Delvin's personality is extremely sparse. We don't need to know every single detail about him but we need to know enough to get a clear picture. Unfortunately we don't have that with these few sentences. How will he act around other campers? Around authority figures? Think about how his father's accident has affected him; does he have a fear of animatronics, electricity, or his powers? Flesh out his unluckiness -- how does he perceive it?

We can't seem to find how, exactly, Devlin is unlucky. For someone to be considered that, by themselves or others (especially to the point of earning such an ironic nickname) there would need to be several examples of bad luck specifically concentrated on them throughout their lives. Thus far the only unfortunate incident Devlin's experienced is the (quite horrific!) death of his father.

Speaking of, while this was an excellent use of his clairvoyance, this actually isn't something that would garner the attention of agency. Clairvoyance is an extremely subtle and subjective ability. That is to say, only Devlin would realize he was using it. If you want the agency to come seek him out instead of him or his family researching, then there needs to be a bigger and more obvious psychic event (such as levitation, telepathy, etc, other standard psychic powers!).

Also, as a small note in his art: the bear isn't actually a backpack! He is carrying his Freddy toy! c:

If you could get these points fixed up, Devlin will be on the road to camp in no time!

Mind Over Matter Staff
Captain

Clean Smoker

Reply
⍚ Public Archives ----- Old Threads

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum