Okay folks, I dunno how to explain a problem with rambling on and on about it, so please be mindful lest my wall of text hit you in the face. Sorry.
sweatdrop
Let me start from the beginning.
Back in 2009/2010, I started addressing my feelings and understanding myself by researching the Internet. I first came across the words "tomboy, genderqueer, drag king" and one search lead to another until I discovered what I can label myself: FtM. But not quite, since I was not on medication. But this became my dream; being on T. I followed this dude's YouTube channel where he documented all his transformation and operations.
I was constantly being pressured by my mother to do girly things, like shaving my arms or plucking my eyebrows. She would even force the latter on me sometimes, like physically force it. I hated it, and it caused many arguments and fights between us where I was the "bad one" of course. I had to explain my motives, so I decided to come out.
Not to be a martyr, but if coming out is hard for you folks in the states and Europe, it's much harder for someone here in Egypt (or anywhere in the Arab countries, mind you). You see, people here consider that "straight" is right and anything else (called gay, and no other names) is wrong and should be fixed or punished.
So I tried explaining to my mum that I wanted to be a man. It was simple to me, but it seems that I opened hell's gates upon my head. Come late 2010 or early 2011, I was sent to a shrink for my "condition" (which mum had told dad about and to which he replied that it was something that had to be gotten rid of as soon as possible). To be honest, I liked the shrink guy and I liked talking to him. He didn't give me any medication or try to change my mind. Instead, he just let me rant until I got rid of the thing, you know?
And it kinda worked, or at least I thought it did back then. I didn't know better, but now I do. It won't just go away; that's not how being yourself works.
So after that I dated a guy, and another guy after him. Come the end of the year 2011, I was that tomboyish girl normally dating a guy. But in my head, things started coming back to me, because you can't deny who you are. You can't lie to yourself.
From 2012 til now, what I have been doing is try to live with myself as a genderless or genderfluid being. Sometimes, I can try wearing flats and a mildly exposing t-shirt or dangling earrings and feel okay about it for some time (usually four hours max). Some other times, I feel so self conscious about my body that I don't even go out. Some other (other) times, I am just this full blown extremely confident dude, such as in my college graduation last month where I wore a suit and bow-tie and looked more dapper than all the cis boys.
*insert massive ego here*
So now, inside my head, I am okay with me. I accept myself the way I am and I know that I don't really have to fall under any label. I am just me, a person. That's good enough.
But for people I am 100% female 100% of the time. And this pisses me off. It pisses the crap out of me. I am not 100% female and nobody will understand this except my sister and another friend who is also genderfluid (but we are not really close).
Recently, something else came up. Back in the days, I was only interested in men, so I labelled myself as a gay man. Recently, I discovered that I also like women sometimes. The thing is, I am seeing a guy and he is supposed to come propose (to my dad, this is how things work here) soon. I loved the guy so hard in one of my feminine bouts, but when I get manlier (cause it sinks and ebbs randomly and without warning, mind you) I kinda feel detached from him and can't think about him in an affectionate or sexual way. I tried explaining gender fluidity to him, and that sometimes I wanna be a man. He said he didn't understand why I would want that. He sometimes insists on calling me a female or girl even though I asked him to avoid using these labels.
I know that this is a rant, but I also have a question for you folks. Can I live undercover forever? I mean, is it fair to pretend to be a woman who is tomboyish at most but still just a woman, while keeping my manly dreams inside? Forever? Or should I just let it all out on my partner and see if he accepts it? I dunno what to do, and it is causing me a lot of pressure, especially that he met my dad for a first time and they got together pretty well. I don't wanna find myself involved in something I am not up to. I dunno what the right thing to do is.
sweatdrop
Let me start from the beginning.
Back in 2009/2010, I started addressing my feelings and understanding myself by researching the Internet. I first came across the words "tomboy, genderqueer, drag king" and one search lead to another until I discovered what I can label myself: FtM. But not quite, since I was not on medication. But this became my dream; being on T. I followed this dude's YouTube channel where he documented all his transformation and operations.
I was constantly being pressured by my mother to do girly things, like shaving my arms or plucking my eyebrows. She would even force the latter on me sometimes, like physically force it. I hated it, and it caused many arguments and fights between us where I was the "bad one" of course. I had to explain my motives, so I decided to come out.
Not to be a martyr, but if coming out is hard for you folks in the states and Europe, it's much harder for someone here in Egypt (or anywhere in the Arab countries, mind you). You see, people here consider that "straight" is right and anything else (called gay, and no other names) is wrong and should be fixed or punished.
So I tried explaining to my mum that I wanted to be a man. It was simple to me, but it seems that I opened hell's gates upon my head. Come late 2010 or early 2011, I was sent to a shrink for my "condition" (which mum had told dad about and to which he replied that it was something that had to be gotten rid of as soon as possible). To be honest, I liked the shrink guy and I liked talking to him. He didn't give me any medication or try to change my mind. Instead, he just let me rant until I got rid of the thing, you know?
And it kinda worked, or at least I thought it did back then. I didn't know better, but now I do. It won't just go away; that's not how being yourself works.
So after that I dated a guy, and another guy after him. Come the end of the year 2011, I was that tomboyish girl normally dating a guy. But in my head, things started coming back to me, because you can't deny who you are. You can't lie to yourself.
From 2012 til now, what I have been doing is try to live with myself as a genderless or genderfluid being. Sometimes, I can try wearing flats and a mildly exposing t-shirt or dangling earrings and feel okay about it for some time (usually four hours max). Some other times, I feel so self conscious about my body that I don't even go out. Some other (other) times, I am just this full blown extremely confident dude, such as in my college graduation last month where I wore a suit and bow-tie and looked more dapper than all the cis boys.
*insert massive ego here*
So now, inside my head, I am okay with me. I accept myself the way I am and I know that I don't really have to fall under any label. I am just me, a person. That's good enough.
But for people I am 100% female 100% of the time. And this pisses me off. It pisses the crap out of me. I am not 100% female and nobody will understand this except my sister and another friend who is also genderfluid (but we are not really close).
Recently, something else came up. Back in the days, I was only interested in men, so I labelled myself as a gay man. Recently, I discovered that I also like women sometimes. The thing is, I am seeing a guy and he is supposed to come propose (to my dad, this is how things work here) soon. I loved the guy so hard in one of my feminine bouts, but when I get manlier (cause it sinks and ebbs randomly and without warning, mind you) I kinda feel detached from him and can't think about him in an affectionate or sexual way. I tried explaining gender fluidity to him, and that sometimes I wanna be a man. He said he didn't understand why I would want that. He sometimes insists on calling me a female or girl even though I asked him to avoid using these labels.
I know that this is a rant, but I also have a question for you folks. Can I live undercover forever? I mean, is it fair to pretend to be a woman who is tomboyish at most but still just a woman, while keeping my manly dreams inside? Forever? Or should I just let it all out on my partner and see if he accepts it? I dunno what to do, and it is causing me a lot of pressure, especially that he met my dad for a first time and they got together pretty well. I don't wanna find myself involved in something I am not up to. I dunno what the right thing to do is.
