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 Posted: Fri Jul 26, 2013 10:33 pm
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Hey, sorry if this is over-spoken about or whatever... But it's been bothering me and I really have no other place to talk about it; or at least, a community from where I can get varied opinions.
I have been struggling with my assigned gender since I could remember. My assigned sex is female, and I can recall just... I dunno. Being very disassociated, not wanting to hangout with my own gender, feeling trapped and lacking in freedom when breasts started developing, on and on.
I have been tossing and turning the idea of transitioning since I discovered such was possible, about... A year or two ago. I know. Sadly, I did not come from a family or environment where this stuff was spoken about or taught about, so I really had no idea that not identifying with your assigned gender was even possible. I certainly wish I did; I'm certain I would have been at least on hormone blockers if I had the choice back then.
I know that it's my decision, that none of you can tell me to do one thing or the other. I know that it's my choice. I just feel... Like I'm going to explode. I want to tear myself apart. I've been stuck not knowing what I am or what I want to be for too long. I have been dissassociated from people and social interaction since I started developing- Whether or not this is because of gender reasons, I have no idea. But I feel like it may be.
I have several fears about transitioning. One being that I can never be the man I wish to become, and my depression will spike and lead me to do something regrettable. Though I haven't been diagnosed with depression 'officially', my mother has suffered from chronic depression and I have had more than enough depressive habits in the past. I am only 5'3" and my brother is a 6'2" man; Something I wish I could be with all my being but I know that I can never attain that. Sure, I know, it's not about height and all these things and so forth... its about being comfortable with who you are... But even still. It pains me that I could not have grown up alongside with my brother like that, and the fact that if I were on hormone blockers that *MIGHT* have been possible just really kills me.
So yeah: I fear that I can never be the person that I want to be anyways, so why try? Would trying just further my depression? I am currently seeing a Psychologist (and have been for four years- Before I even started questioning my identity) but I feel like she isn't giving me any useful information. She isn't specialized in this sort of stuff, so it is no wonder: I originally was brought in to see her from my mom for my social anxiety and dissociative behavior. Should I just set up an appointment with an actual gender therapist? Is it possible that I'm just some kinda mixed up masculine girl?
I dunno. It's hard. I have been trying androgyny for awhile and it makes me feel really awkward. The idea of being a feminine man has appealed to me. Masculine woman? Not so much... Ugh.
I dunno. i'm just so mixed up. I don't even know what I want you guys to say.
Just any input of sorts? Perhaps how you came to realizing your identity and so forth?
And I feel like anything I do will just lead me to be unhappy... That everything is just pointless...
Sorry if this sounds whiny. But I needed to put this somewhere...
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Posted: Fri Jul 26, 2013 11:39 pm
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Posted: Fri Jul 26, 2013 11:49 pm
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Posted: Fri Jul 26, 2013 11:59 pm
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Thank you. :3
That's the thing, though. I don't want to take forever to do this. I don't want to spend years trying to decipher what's going on with me- Stuck in an in-between state where I'm too anxious to really do anything.
If that makes sense? I don't want to wait a decade. DX
My psychologist says things like, "It takes time, you'll figure it out," But when? I can't live like this forever. People are passing me by, opportunities....
I guess I don't even know what I want to achieve, other than some vague idea of happiness. With being okay with myself. Or, moreover, actually *impressed* with who I've become and what I've chosen to identify as.
That sounds lame.
But damn...
It's just hard to sit down and write down goals when you don't even know what you want.
I just feel like some sort of numb... thing. Floating around. Like a detached limb.
Aw thanks! And thank you for your input! Everything's so mixed up its hard to tell what 'dysphoria' is and what is downright depression or something. e_e
Anyway. I'm glad to know that someone else out there thinks its a good idea to see a gender therapist, as opposed to just my regular psychologist... Luckily I might actually have a phone number for a gender therapist hidden somewhere in my office haha.
Thank you for your advice. :3 Now to work up the nerve to actually call and set up an appointment.. D: |
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Posted: Sat Jul 27, 2013 1:10 am
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Don't hesitate. It could be very possible that if you are experiencing gender dysphoria, it could be contributing to your depression. I know not dealing with my own gender and sexuality caused part of my depression, until I finally took steps to resolve those things.
I'm not trans* myself, but I'm not a cisgendered female, either. I consider myself to be a demigirl/nonbinary gender; I barely, if at all sometimes, feel any connection to my assigned gender. I don't suffer from gender dysphoria, though, yet I know how it feels to look at myself in the mirror and not feel like the person society presumes I am--even my own loved ones. When I finally realized that, it was hard to put it into words at first. I thought there was something wrong with me.
It's not a good feeling. My point is this: once I stepped away from everyone's presumptions and simply focused on who I felt I was, I soon discovered and finally understood who I was. As a result, I gained a lot of peace and happiness.
And I think self-discovery and -acceptance is WAY more important than trying to figure out what you're to do with yourself. What's the point if you don't even know who you are, right? You can achieve one goal after another, but if you're lost to yourself, it feels like you're still static. At least that's how it felt for me for a long time.
I hope the best for you. Really insist on talking to a gender therapist so you can get everything figured out. Go and find yourself; if you're to have any goal, that seems like the best one to have. smile |
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