Welcome to Gaia! ::

I have not been that active in the guild. Life got in my way, and so I was not in the blast as well. Lots of stuff has happened...most of all I am going to talk about below.

Well I can certainly say one thing for sure: Going on 20 and only recently finding out something that's been with you your entire life sure leads to some strange adventures. Home is...well could be better. Then again I could have a job. That would make things so much better. But overall now I understand at least why I can focus on one task at a time very well. And some other things with me. For those I have not told yet, boy do I have some news for you. If you don't want to find something out about me then you can scroll past this. But it is something big to me and a part of me for sure.

Recently I ended up finding out I have, or should say have had, Aspergers. We do not know how severe the case it, but it doesn't seem that bad in all honesty. I can still make some good choices with my life, but I need to make sure I am on a schedule rather than doing just whatever. Because if that happens, well back to what I said about focusing in on one task...well there you go! It was a big thing I did not know, and it explains a lot about me.

On top of this, there are some other things I have been finding out like my fears. I have always known about my fear of being useless to people. But the most recent one, that is kind of ironic I guess to me, is that I fear of being truly abandoned. It's something I noticed when talking with people online and offline. If I cannot fit in I won;t feel good, and after a while I will just either walk away cause I cannot contribute in some way. This all being said...I have a lot to work on in my life.

I need to stick myself to a steady schedule I can stay on top of. I need to get myself a job (still working on. Any extra work people have I am willing to help out in anyway I can!) and get back to eating more food.

This is a big thing that happened for me...took a lot to accept and start tellin people too.

I may not be as active as some other regulars here, but you're not alone. I too, have Asperger's Syndrome. I've known since I was 14, right before highschool (I'll be 20 next month). It started in Middle School when I couldn't cope with the new environment and was in Guidance everyday crying. My mother had me see many counselors and psychiatrists, along with a lot of tests and studies for the next couple of years. I had different medications and they were changed every few months, even if just adjusting the dosage.

I'd like to think I may be able to offer some insight, but I'm not sure how helpful it will be. But in my experience with Asperger's Syndrome I end up feeling like that one weird guy in the room who doesn't fit in. Sometimes I make a fool out of myself and then feel embarrassed to show my face again in, for example, even the FEF Blast Chat. Internet situations are easier for me, since I don't have to make eye contact. I find that sometimes when I'm talking to someone I lose track of what I believe or want to say by listening adeptly and looking into their eyes. It's almost as if I trace their reasoning and then forget how to use my own. It can be a hassle but also a boon at times.

One key thing to help me fit in is realizing that despite that I feel awkward and out of place in a group at times, it's easy for me act normal. Then when no one gives me funny looks or responses it's easy to feel normal too. Then I feel comfortable just being myself. If I do something odd I take notice and repeat this process. Sometimes I can do something, feel stupid for it, but then no one really notices but me. Or maybe someone will give me a funny look and it crushes me and I remember it weeks later, but they forgot by the end of the day it happened. I think I just end up caring more than I'm a bit awkward when most people don't think much of it at all.

You mentioned a fear of abandonment and not being of use. I can relate. I fear being alone. It helps just to have someone in the same room or house as me. Even if we're not interacting I just like the company. It bothers me more than it should to be alone, depressingly so. I also want to be helpful. Sometimes I feel like I'm not productive, especially when out of work. Then it eats at me, even if it's just my mom or dad I'm living with at age 19, soon to be 20, I just feel the urge to make progress. Sometimes I'll scan the internet for articles about History, or Science to feel productive in the aspect of gaining information. Wikipedia makes it easy for me since it's so easy to get lost jumping from article to article. This makes me happy and content.

My case is not severe, and I'm not on any medicine for it anymore. I may end up in a rant without realizing the person I'm talking to isn't very interested. Or I may find myself in a situation where I cannot find the feelings to sympathize with someone. Awkward is a feeling I'm all too familiar with. Overall it's not too big an inconvenience for me and it keeps things interesting. xd

I know what it's like to apply for a lot of jobs every day and none call back. Part of being young without experience. It sucks, I know. Don't let it get to ya though, just apply for stuff you think you can get mainly. I ended up settling for Fast Food, though my standards were originally against it. After working Fast Food for 6 months it's easier for me to swap around because I have 'some' job experience. Again, not sure if this helps you either. For all I know you got way more job experience than me and your area just ain't too great. But if you ever have any questions feel free to PM or just quote me here if you prefer. I'd be glad to help. 3nodding

Hey, man.

No matter what you're diagnosed with, you're still my Nometal. The awesome guy who would have IM conversations with me endlessly, sometimes over stupid things. Someone who helped me realize some of my own flaws in the nicest way possible, so that I could figure out a way to deal with them by myself.

You're patient, kind, and overall awesome.

I think it's great you're getting your life back in order. Stepping up and taking responsibility is a part of growing up.

With that said...

Don't push yourself. Work hard and play harder! =D I'll let you know that my PM box is always open.

*like*


Let's call him Selenium.