So, I've been putting something off for awhile now....

[blue carnal love]

Okay, so I've recently come to terms that I'm a transgender/transsexual or....Well, to be honest, I don't know the actual term because I really don't think there is a difference between them. I know that I was born as a girl, but I've always felt like it wasn't the gender I'm supposed to be; I have always been a boy. For a long time, I ignored it because I was always afraid of what people would say, though I still am. I've only come out to two of my friends, who support me completely.

That's my problem. I know a lot of my friends will support me on this, but I'm terrified of what my family will say/do to me if I told them. A lot of my family is against the LGBTQ Community, and some of them are quite violent about it. I'm nineteen, and I'm close to find a place of my own (or, at least move in with a friend until I can afford my own place), so I know I don't necessarily have to put up with it. But, I want the support of my family and don't want to lose any of them over this. So, I've just been putting it off. The more I put it off, the less comfortable I feel with myself and the more nervous I get. I don't know whether to start to conversation casually and build up to it, or just spit it out and see what happens.

Does anyone have any advise for me on what I should do? sad  

[Sea Thrift]

Maybe when you're ready to sit down with your family about your gender, you should have friends with you for support. You want friends (maybe 2+ persons) who can stay level and civilized, especially when the conversation could become distressful for you and your family. You do NOT want friends who insist on fighting fire with fire, only to create damage that could've been completely avoided if they had been friends that had more self control.

Of course, I hope that your family won't start anything, because you never know: just when we expect the worst to happen, we are pleasantly surprised. Sometimes the family members we least expect to understand actually turn around and say, "You know, I kind of knew that." It's a possibility, even when things don't look like they'll turn out that way. Whatever the case, it's best to err on the side of caution and gain support before acting.

As for telling the whole family, though, all at once... maybe you can take baby steps. Start with just your parents, and see how that turns out. Talk to your supporting friends about what to say—plan out the conversation and the scenarios that could take place. Maybe in your case, being prepared for anything will help to ease your mind and make you feel more confident. There's my two cents.  

[blue carnal love]

s o a p n u t

Maybe when you're ready to sit down with your family about your gender, you should have friends with you for support. You want friends (maybe 2+ persons) who can stay level and civilized, especially when the conversation could become distressful for you and your family. You do NOT want friends who insist on fighting fire with fire, only to create damage that could've been completely avoided if they had been friends that had more self control.

Of course, I hope that your family won't start anything, because you never know: just when we expect the worst to happen, we are pleasantly surprised. Sometimes the family members we least expect to understand actually turn around and say, "You know, I kind of knew that." It's a possibility, even when things don't look like they'll turn out that way. Whatever the case, it's best to err on the side of caution and gain support before acting.

As for telling the whole family, though, all at once... maybe you can take baby steps. Start with just your parents, and see how that turns out. Talk to your supporting friends about what to say—plan out the conversation and the scenarios that could take place. Maybe in your case, being prepared for anything will help to ease your mind and make you feel more confident. There's my two cents.

Oh, God. I didn't mean my entire family all at once. gonk That would be way too much stress. talk2hand Thank you for catching that, though.

And, thank you for the advise. ^_^  

[Eleiza0250]

the way i came out to my mother about being a lesbian was to attend GSA for four years of high school, which got her used to the idea of LGBTQAA+ stuff, so that freshman year of college, when I came out to her, wasn't a "big deal" at all. so try acclimating them to LGBT issues first?  

[windblown_novice]

I'd suggest starting with one or two family members you trust. Perhaps catch them in a moment where both of you are alone, open-minded and just chill. Don't lay it on too seriously, because you don't want them to think its the end of the world (because it isn't). Also, perhaps it would be helpful to have some information on transgender with you, or a small list of what exactly you'd like to say, just in case they want more info or question you or something. Sometimes we tend to anticipate the worst of situations. Keep confident and positive!

I'm in a similar situation, 17 year old trans F-to-M in a family that doesn't really understand transgender (or really accept it if it's their child thing), so coming out was difficult. I told my sister first, because we're quite close. Then I told my mom, who I trust more than my dad. In a sense, I still haven't really told my dad. I just became the family tomboy and am left alone for it. I know its not really the best way to come out but perhaps you'd be braver than me and come out fully. smile Best of luck!  

[OllieOllyOxenFree]

I know what you mean, I'm 20(turning 21 in September) and I am trying to save money to move out before I come out as being FTM.
I am literally in the same boat as you. Emotionally and everything
It's a scary thing but as soon as you do it you can move forward with your life. I know more than anyone that it's way easier sad then done. Especially when you already know how your family is going to react. But just keep in mind the life you want and should be leading, the real you waiting for their chance to step out. Let that give you courage.
I know it's hard, and that aching feeling in your stomach feels like it'll never go away. I am sure though, for people like us, things will get better. We just have to take the first few steps.
I would suggest though, telling a few more friends and create more of a support net for yourself. It'll be easier in the long run.
Good luck smile  

[Wixandrettas]

Alright... I am a 39 year old mother of one 20 year old daughter. She knows we come from a rather discriminative/racist family. Very close-minded, deeply religious, and in some people, very aggressive family. They are definitely not open to the whole equality of anything... but yet, the one family member they never listened to was their father (my grandfather).

His best friend in the Army was black.....and gay. Mind you, during the Korean War era, gay was never, EVER discussed. It was extremely taboo, and to even discuss it was a real risk-taking endeavor. But, this black soldier felt he could trust my grandfather because of him being ok with it. I actually have a picture of his whole troop - his friend was really handsome - BIG white smile that just warms you right up!

My grandfather taught me at a very young age to respect people for they at some point or another may be the ones to help you in a time of crisis, or time of need, etc. Never leave a good person down on their luck. My grandfather also disavowed anything to do with religion as he felt it was the most disgusting method of teaching about the goodness of people. He never cared if you werent straight. He would open the door to his home to anyone who had the same level of respect and decency as he gave them. Because.....that is what mattered.

I thoroughly believe in what he taught. And shared that story with my daughter. She is bisexual and she was a little apprehensive to share that with me, but she knew not to fear me.... that has alot to do with how I raised her, and unfortunately by learning first-hand how my family tends to be, she knew she could never be open with them... they are vicious people.

I told my daughter that she will always remain my child no matter what. If she found love with another woman, I would still expect that woman to understand that there is a 6'6" tall stepfather who will make sure nothing hurts his stepdaughter (my husband loves her very much)... we told her that we want her to know that we love her no matter what... should the day come she felt living a life as a man may be the route she needs to take, I am still going to be supportive... She would become my son, and that doesnt change how I feel.

She knows she cannot confide in anyone in my family and she is happy with that. My daughter focuses on being around people who care about her no matter what. We are proactive-positive thinking people... not the racists, hateful, discriminating jerks like my family - and we have disowned them for those very reasons. You dont need that much hate in your life ever!

Windblown_Novice hit it right on the nose: If there is one close family member that you 1.) know they are open-minded when it comes to LGBT, and 2.) confidently know you could confide in them, do so but be one-step-at-a-time...

The sad reality is that there might not ever be a time your family will ever be open to this... I hear the struggle in your post for the want and need to still feel like your family will be there wholeheartedly, but you do need to be careful.. not just for your sake, but your sanity. Transitioning is a long process both physically, sociologically, emotionally and mentally (yes, there is a difference). We have patients at work in our Behavioral Health Dept who, like you, are going through some personal/family related struggles...

Take one day at a time because that is all you can do. Surround yourself with people who DO care about you... that is the first thing. Be at ease with your mind, your body and your conscience. You have to prioritize to take care of yourself first. And when you surround yourself with others who do care about you, that is a great stepping stone for you to follow.  

[Blazing Phoenix23]

What I'd do is bring it up casually but briefly to the person your closest to in your family and gradually bring it out fully open to the person your closest to and I'd have a friend that fully supports you while you do bring it out into the open.