Welcome to Gaia! ::

So as my high school career is coming to an end, I discovered that me and my lover will not be going to the same college. In fact, we will be several hours away. I have been dating him for almost two years and I don't know what I am going to do. If I was not going to college, I feel that I would want to marry him. But since I am continuing my education, I know that I will change significantly in the next four years. Another factor: I will be going to graduate school and he will not. So a lot of people keep telling me to let go and that there are more fish in the sea, but I'm not ready to lose someone this great, especially because of something stupid like distance. So what should I do?

We want to continue dating but I'm logically seeing flaws in this plan. We are going to be apart for 6 years... the odds of us staying together are so very slim. But at the same time, I don't want to give him up. Part of me wants to give up now though so it will hurt less later. I feel like I'm wasting my time but I'm also heart broken at the thought of breaking up with him.

Long-distance, or the potential for long-distance, is very complicated. There is never one right answer. And, I actually opted against it personally, so I don't have that much experience. But, I have seen a lot of people do it, and I think some of that can apply...

For one, it's important to make a conscientious decision to do a long-term commitment, if you choose to do a long-distance relationship. "Just staying together" because it's the path of least resistance is the kind of LDR most destined to fail, because the people involved don't address the actual challenges or issues that could come up. So, no matter what the choice, it needs to be done in a conscious and deliberate manner.

Also, if you choose not to do long-distance, there is no such thing as "saving your spot" for when you are back in closer proximity. If a relationship doesn't exist, you're taking the chance that one or both people will end up finding different relationship situations, and there's no way to guarantee that a relationship would work later. So yeah. Don't try to have your cake and eat it too.

So with any relationship, but especially long-distance, it's important to be open and communicative. You and your partner need to establish clear expectations and boundaries, and regularly update each other as situations change. It's easy in high school to idealize your love/relationship (and I'm not saying that young love doesn't exist, but it often lacks the emotional maturing that older people's love has). But you must be constantly vigilant for ways that your relationship and your individual personalities are growing and changing, and always be open to adjustment if your initial understandings or expectations don't work out.

In addition, college years are a very important time to grow as individuals. It's an age where people transition from teenager to adult. Whether or not you like it, you can't really control the way you grow and mature. And in fact, you shouldn't, because then it wouldn't be an honest reflection of your adult personality, but rather a mimicry of your teenage ideals.

In many cases, though, this means that two personalities that would have been strongly compatible in a high school relationship may not be compatible as they reach adulthood. It's not just a matter of personality, but of situation and life goals. Most teenagers don't have a good idea of what they want to do as a career (or at least, it's not as close a goal, so it's not fully fleshed out). But, once you start getting through your college career, you are starting to narrow down your career aspirations and possibilities for other aspects of your life. This can have serious consequences for a relationship; if the people involved have vastly different career goals that can't happen in the same area, then it will either cause mutual resentment or some major shared sacrifices, which isn't something you can take lightly.

Again, this is where communication is important - as these types of goals start to unfold, you can reevaluate your relationship and situation and figure out whether or not it is possible to adequately compromise. The same thing goes for other life decisions - do you want to live in a city or rural area? House or apartment? Kids? Pets? Marriage? These are major decisions that affect relationships significantly, and I think you'll find that many people experience some change in opinions about one or more of these questions between high school and college.

So it's also important to make sure you are developing as your own person, and not being held to your teenage self by a relationship, either. If you choose to stay together for the long-term, it's very important to actively and conscientiously make time for yourself to grow and learn about your own personality, as well as time for your relationship to mature and become an adult relationship. These things take time. They are often at odds with other goals, like doing well at school, building a social life outside of your relationship, or holding a job.

Ultimately, I think the decision is up to you. You and your partner are the only people who truly know the nature of your relationship. If you are both willing to make the strong commitment and hold yourself to a continued position of commitment and compromise, you may be able to make it through. However, you also have to realize that you are sacrificing a lot. It may seem like by far the better option to stay with what you have, but it's important to critically evaluate that assumption based on the fact that you will doubtlessly meet hundreds or thousands of other people in your age range when you get to college. I'm not saying that one of those people is necessarily a better fit, or even a good fit at all, but the probabilities are fairly high. So be sure if you are putting the effort into something like this, that you think it will be worth it in the end. And that is something I think only you and your partner can know.