I used to tell people that if I could go lesbian for anyone it would be her. If I ever kissed another girl it would be my best friend. She was my everything, she was my other half. I've never fantasized about being with a woman, but I know that when I'm with her I'm happy. I'm so happy.
Well, not too long ago, she announced to me that she was going to delete her facebook. She told something along the lines of:
"Hey, I have to go for a while. I love you so much. I'll never forget you <3"
I answered with: "Where are you going?"
She told me that she was depressed and that her mother was getting suspicious. She once again told me that she'd never forget me. I asked her why she was depressed. This was her reply:
I'm in love with you. I fell in love with you freshman year, I've been denying my feelings and I regret it. I'm so sorry that I'm just now telling you this."
I began to cry. I couldn't stop. She was in love with me. I was about to lose my best friend! How was this fair? Why couldn't I have been different? Why did I have to cause her so much confusion and pain? Her mother was God-fearing and she'd found herself a guy. I was a hinderence. She didn't need me anymore. She'd found a new life. I fell apart, because I still needed her. She was my sun, she my moon, she was light in a vast darkness that I couldn't escape. Why? Why?!
That's when I became so utterly confused. Did I love her back? If I was willing to kiss her, had I fallen in love with her, too? I just wanted ot crawl into a coffin and bury myself alive. I wanted pain to bury these emotions suffocating me. I wanted to die.
My best friend was depressed because of me.
I've come to terms with my feelings since then. I think I actually was in love with her, that's why I could let her go and find her happiness. I felt that I would only ever drag her down. She couldn't be happy with me around.
We haven't spoken since then. I think of her often, though. In my memories she is always smiling. She is always lighting up the room. I don't have any pictures of us together, it's something I deeply regret.
I like to think that she's happier now. That she's making her mark on the world, and lighting up someone else's world now.
I hope that I'll meet her again someday, but I know that would be unlikely. I think that it'd be okay for it to stay like this, too, though. I fell in love with her, she changed my whole world. Now it's time for someone else to have their world changed.
It's time for my best friend to change someone else's life.
Even though I fell in love with her, it's time for someone to love her in my place.
I'm a straight female, who fell in love with my best friend.
Now she's gone.
