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 Posted: Sat Mar 04, 2006 3:03 am
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Mon Mar 06, 2006 7:51 pm
If I were you, I'd make the writing more concise, and don't say things so bluntly. Instead of
'Clark gets on his communicator. It seems as if he is talking to General McBride. He ends the communication; James and Nidra...' make it more along the lines of
'Clark's communicator beeped, and a muffled voice, resembling vaguely that of General McBride, crackled across the connection. The voice spat a few incomprehensible commands and ended the transmission.'
Don't tell your readers, show them. Instead of telling them who it was, let them hear it.
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Posted: Tue Mar 07, 2006 10:00 am
Bunny, you sound just like one of my teachers. Show, not tell.
I also second that. A story can be told, but it is best shown. The sentences here are the bare bones of what is happening, and it isn't that the story is flawed, it's just that it needs to be fleshed out.
Also, watch out for run on sentences. If I had the energy, I probably could thruoughly edit all of what you have there for grammatical errors as well. But at the moment I don't.
However, you do have some good lines in there, such as: He begins to count down; with every number I felt like I was going to explode.
But even that could be expanded on. However, there is nothing wrong with starting like this. Sometimes I just write out the bare bones of something, and then flesh it out as I get more inspired.
Also, use of more literarcy devices, such as the infamous metaphors, would probably also improve the story.
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Posted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 11:41 pm
bunnyhiphophip If I were you, I'd make the writing more concise, and don't say things so bluntly. Instead of 'Clark gets on his communicator. It seems as if he is talking to General McBride. He ends the communication; James and Nidra...' make it more along the lines of 'Clark's communicator beeped, and a muffled voice, resembling vaguely that of General McBride, crackled across the connection. The voice spat a few incomprehensible commands and ended the transmission.' Don't tell your readers, show them. Instead of telling them who it was, let them hear it. That is a very good idea....I am also surprised that someone came to help me and I thank you both. I will edit my story once I get the chance to.
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