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 Posted: Sun Sep 30, 2012 10:23 pm
For you to fully understand I have to literally go way back. I believe I was in 4th grade, 10 years old, when my parents split up. It was an ugly split. I didn't know who to stay with. I didn't want to choose sides. My depression started there and only got worse. In seventh grade I met an old friend of mine. He enjoyed pain and cutting himself for the designs. Kinda like a tattoo without ink. In eighth grade my life was unbearable. My mom thought everything was great. I had good grades and I seemed happy. half way through eighth grade I started the long journey of a self mutilator. From then on I would never be "the perfect daughter". I never cut too deep. I made sure I didn't bleed much if ever. I wasn't doing it for attention. I needed to feel something. After a while my mom started noticing my long sleeves that I constantly wore. She started checking my internet history. Which I posted on sites to try and get help. I wanted to be better. My mom found and printed everything that was written. I was taken to network 180. That place I have to laugh at. They want to help but they aren't slick enough to catch people like me. I was tossed about a years worth of counseling. Counseling wasn't what I wanted. Plus the counselor wasn't good enough to help me. I didn't believe I could be happy again. After that was done and I was released from counseling sessions I went back to my old ways. During the whole time I was in counseling I couldn't do anything because I was checked for cuts every week. If they found one I was going to be admitted to the hospital. Anyway, I continued to hurt myself for many years. I met a friends dad, he was exactly the same as me. He threatened to tell my mom. I quit for a bit until I dumped his son. Then I started. I moved out of my mom's after sophomore year and switched schools. The people i stayed with were nosy and strict. I had to quit or risk being found out. I still did it sometimes with my nails. But nothing else. Then I met the guy i'm now married to. When we started dating I was so afraid he would find out that I flat out quit. With no help. I never imagined I could quit cold turkey. Anyway, we dated for a while and I told him about all my flaws. He still loved me. He joined the army so we could have a life together and we got married last month. Since he's been away i've been living with my dad. We can't afford a place of our own yet. He finishes his training in december but is going to Korea after Christmas. My dad is constantly fighting with his girlfriend which stresses me even more. I haven't had a period in almost a year, which stresses me even more. Cause that could mean I can't have kids. With all this stress building up I don't know where to channel it. I've been struggling for a long time with not cutting myself. I don't want to start that again. It is too hard to stop. I just don't know what to do anymore.
-whats the point in living if you can't have kids?
-whats the point in living if you don't have that many friends?
- whats the point in living if all your dreams have been crushed?
sorry its so long...
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Posted: Sun Sep 30, 2012 10:34 pm
first I give you hug emotion_hug
Second have you seen a doctor? Long absence of a period could also mean something other than you can't have kids. I might have to do with your Thyroid i had a friend have the opposite and had a year long period and it turned out she had an overactive thyroid. I'm sure you will be fine. I don't know what it's like to not have a period but i know how it feels to be so frustrated about something to the point where the only escape is to hurt yourself. I went through that (although mine was banging my head.) I know what it's like to not want to start hurting your self when it was so hard to stop. So if you ever need someone to talk to just send me a pm sometime and I'll try to help as best I can.
Sorry mine is long.
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Posted: Mon Oct 01, 2012 12:28 am
You can get through it.
I have a similar back story as yours.. but there was a lot more than just a divorce that made me this way. Years of counseling never helped me with my issues because I was still too young & anything I said would be told to my parents. So I lied & faked my way. I moved.. lost all my friends, began cutting, drinking in secret & popping any pills I could get a hold of.
I straightened out for a while ( at least with the habits the depression was still there) until I got so sucked into my PTS that I couldn't do anything but sit in my shower & talk to myself. I had nightmares for a year & I thought I was going crazy. How the hell I managed to not pick up my bad habits again is beyond me. Though suicide was always an alternating thought.
One day though.. I dunno. it was like a light went off & I was completely fine again. I let go of the hate & fear in my heart.. and I was happy again for a month or two. Then the same issue started up because I had a secret I needed out of me & I obsessed over it. Constantly. I eventually broke down & confessed. It helped me.. majorly. & I think it helped people understand me a little better.. why I am the way I am.
Anyways, you can get through your s**t too. It's really really ******** hard. But you just have to try to find those strengths in your life & hold on to them as tightly as possible.
I don't fully understand the point of living either. I still have thoughts of ending my life. But remembering the few friends I have & what I mean to the important people in my life keeps me hanging on for another day. I also suggest you finding a doctor to deal with your medical issues..
But yes, I wish you luck & strength.
[Edit] - I probably shouldn't be including this. But I will anyways. If you absolutely feel like you should cut.. even just a little. I suggest cutting the surface of your tongue. It heals easily, doesn't leave a scar & no one but you notices it. You can still feel the slice.. just be careful of how deeply you do it.
I used to do this & just suck on my tongue. It got my mind off things & I didn't feel regret about it a day or two later.
Just to be clear though, I do not want you to start cutting again.. I'm just giving a slightly different option. My only other "feel better" methods are crying & taking scolding hot showers. Though not everyone favors those.
I would hope yours were better than mine, but since you're making this post.. I guess they aren't.
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Posted: Mon Oct 01, 2012 12:13 pm
Thanks guys for the reply. smile
I have not seen a doctor. I have to get my military ID for my insurance to be effective. Though I can do that soon hopefully.I am fairly sure that is whats wrong but am uncertain. My mom has a thyroid problem.
I won't hurt myself if I can help it. Not even if people can't see it. I know that I did it and that is why I feel guilty. I'm not worried about the scars all that much. I actually enjoy that part. Its like a road map of a different world. I need more cheery people in my life. Or less stress. That would probably be easier to get.
Thanks for the advice.
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Posted: Mon Oct 01, 2012 12:41 pm
i read somewhere that one's period and be stopped by things such as stress when it's bad enough...
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Posted: Mon Oct 01, 2012 3:14 pm
Even if worse comes to worst, it's not the end of the world if you can't have children. There are plenty of other options available to you and your husband, though I would recommend waiting to do anything like adopt until you both have a much more stable financial situation.
As for what the point of living should be if you don't have many friends, here's one. Maybe you just haven't met the people who are meant to be good friends yet, and if you end your life, you'll never get the chance to meet them and find out. Also, if you want to have good friends, you've also got to try and be a good one as well. Don't let your fears get in the way of genuinely trying to reach out and support another person. You've had it tough, but your experiences could be an invaluable lesson to someone else.
There are lots of things you can channel stress into. One is exercise, which has the added bonus of releasing chemicals that increase one's happiness. Another is creative writing. One of my professors is the head of creative writing at my university and she's been through some tough s**t. She's been homeless after running away at a really young age, had two husbands abandon her (one left when she caught a disease that almost killed her while living in South America and was being treated for it back in the States.) She can't have children either, so she and her current husband are doing the surrogate mother thing. Anyway, she tells all her students to not be afraid of their emotions and to use writing as a way to examine ourselves/identify what we're feeling.
Everything in the universe has a reason for existing. Not all of them are necessarily aware of what that reason is or ever find it out, but that does not mean their purpose is not being fulfilled. The same goes for you as well. Maybe one of your purposes is to give your husband a reason to do better than his best and come back home safe and sound. Maybe another purpose is that you'll provide a child with a loving home better than what you grew up in. There are lots of purposes that you may have yet to fulfill.
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Irako of the Desert Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Oct 01, 2012 11:03 pm
Irako of the Desert Even if worse comes to worst, it's not the end of the world if you can't have children. There are plenty of other options available to you and your husband, though I would recommend waiting to do anything like adopt until you both have a much more stable financial situation.
As for what the point of living should be if you don't have many friends, here's one. Maybe you just haven't met the people who are meant to be good friends yet, and if you end your life, you'll never get the chance to meet them and find out. Also, if you want to have good friends, you've also got to try and be a good one as well. Don't let your fears get in the way of genuinely trying to reach out and support another person. You've had it tough, but your experiences could be an invaluable lesson to someone else.
There are lots of things you can channel stress into. One is exercise, which has the added bonus of releasing chemicals that increase one's happiness. Another is creative writing. One of my professors is the head of creative writing at my university and she's been through some tough s**t. She's been homeless after running away at a really young age, had two husbands abandon her (one left when she caught a disease that almost killed her while living in South America and was being treated for it back in the States.) She can't have children either, so she and her current husband are doing the surrogate mother thing. Anyway, she tells all her students to not be afraid of their emotions and to use writing as a way to examine ourselves/identify what we're feeling.
Everything in the universe has a reason for existing. Not all of them are necessarily aware of what that reason is or ever find it out, but that does not mean their purpose is not being fulfilled. The same goes for you as well. Maybe one of your purposes is to give your husband a reason to do better than his best and come back home safe and sound. Maybe another purpose is that you'll provide a child with a loving home better than what you grew up in. There are lots of purposes that you may have yet to fulfill. Thank you for all of this advice. It Helped me look up a bit more. Right now my husband and I are looking to get me out of my dads place. We believe that is what's causing all this stress and depression.
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