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Reply - The Arts -
Alone in the Crowd.

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Dark_poet822

Lonely Prophet

PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2012 9:36 am


This is a poem i wrote for a contest and i would love feed bad on it. Thank you.

Alone.
One word with so much meaning,
But I'm alone in this crowd.
All I see is you,
Standing in the middle.
With admirers all around,
Your face glows in its perfection.
The green orbs that are the shade of perfect grass.
I think you look my way ,
You flash a smile ,
I grin thinking its for me.
Then BAM!
I'm pushed out of the way.
As your blonde hairs beauty takes her rightful place next to you,
You never glance back my way .
I look down and frown ,
I sigh and turn ,
Turn into the arms of someone twice has handsome,
But again I'm pushed out of the way.
For his perfect mate.
I give up.
I walk away.
The crowd miles away.
I never look back and no one ever comes looking.
I look down.
Wow, that's beautiful!
I comment one last time.
I bend my knees slightly,
Flinging my self to the dark abyss below.
As I fall I look up to see the same crowd,
gathered over the cliff tears in there eyes.
Too late.
That's what they are.
Now my world has gone black,
And My last breath stolen from me..


feed back would be much appriciated.
PostPosted: Sat Aug 11, 2012 11:40 am


I'm not a poetry expert, so take this all as my opinion instead of constructive criticism intended to help you write a better poem.

First off, why is the narrator able to see the crowd as she falls from the cliff when they were miles away from it a few lines earlier? Either they're next to the cliff edge or they aren't. And if they are next to the cliff edge, why are they gathered there in the first place? Somebody might accidentally push someone else off the edge.

For being so dark and sad, this poem has a lot of inherent energy. One of the creative writing professors at my university that I had a class with would often say that each line of a poem should be thought of as going for a walk. If the lines are short, the reader is going at a brisk pace, with lots of sharp turns. If the lines are long, the reader goes at a more leisurely pace, and the turns they encounter are gentle and broad. I'm guessing you're averaging about 5-7 words per line, so the reader of your poem is being taken for a quick walk. When your narrator gets depressed and turns away from the crowd, it seems to me that the lines should get longer and longer, to really get across how lonely and sad she feels, how she doesn't really want to walk away from that crowd, and wants somebody to come look for her.

Of course, I don't know what you were trying to convey to the reader of this poem. I often misconstrue the meanings of poems.
 

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- The Arts -

 
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