Welcome to Gaia! ::

Okay, so, online relationship. Her name is Katie, she lives in Alberta. This has gone on for nine months now, definitely love (by my definition). We had both been depending on meeting this summer, I had planned a week-long visit that her mother was okay with, and this was a source of much happiness for us both.

But then MY mother spoke up. She told me that she would not allow me to go. Reasons:
1). She doesn't feel comfortable sending me to a foreign country alone.
-She has sent me to Chicago on my own for 10 days to visit people she had never met.
A). She had talked to them before and felt comfortable with them.
B). She had a back-up plan, a friend who lived in the city.
C). It was still in the United States.
-She doesn't want me to travel alone.
A). The way I would probably get there is by bus, and it is a 22 hour trip, which she doesn't approve of.
B). When suggested that she could drop me off to ensure my safety in getting there, she admitted to not wanting to spend that kind of time and still wouldn't feel safe leaving me with strangers.
C). She declined my offer to pay for her to stay in the city while I was there.

2). She doesn't want to deal with my father.
-Last summer, with the trip to Chicago, we never even told him.
A). I called him on Father's Day while visiting, so communication was not a problem.
B). Any time he asked to speak to Mom, I told him she was shopping and he should call her cell.
-He doesn't need to give consent.
A). She wouldn't be breaking any laws by sending me without his permission, since they have joint custody and I would not need a passport.
B). Her real reasoning is that she knows that if my Dad finds out, he will say no and it will be the end of the story, in addition to ruining my relationship with him by letting him know that I hid Chicago from him.

3). She doesn't want to share the limited time she has with me this summer.
-This is selfish.
A). She will definitely have me for at least 6 weeks, and if I don't get into the prep school I am applying to, I will be coming to live with her. Getting to see me has never been an issue before.
B). When she does have me, we rarely do much. She is working a good portion of the time anyway and we're together perhaps three hours a day some weeks.


So. I've definitely talked to her and Katie and we've reached the following conclusions:
1). Katie will talk to her mother.
-Katie's mother might let Katie come to the States to visit me.
A). My mother is fine with this idea.
B). It would be a bit awkward for Katie.
-Katie might not be able to get across the boarder.
A). There are stricter laws entering America than leaving.
B). She would be travelling alone, with her purpose of visiting to 'meet a boy she met online.
-Chance of success: 5%

2). If talking to Katie's mother fails, my own mother says that if I talk to my father, and he says something along the lines of 'I approve of you travelling alone to spend a week in a foreign country with a girl you met on the internet', she will be more likely to change her mind.
-My Father didn't approve of Kathleen. He doesn't believe in long distance relationships of any kind.
-My Father thinks everyone I haven't met online is a 40 year old *****.
-My Father is extremely hard to approach. Assuming I could talk to him AND I could tell him how I feel, I doubt he'd be sympathetic.
-Chance of success: 1%

3). Neither of those are possible. We might meet.
-It would be a maximum of one day, and it would have to be either just inside the border or in Vancouver.
A). Location could be a problem for either of us.
B). A day is much less than a week.
-It wouldn't be enough to get by for another year on.

So that is essentially the problem. Here is the major consequence:
Katie was extremely dependent on seeing me. She is completely crushed that our plans are no longer in play, and she is in a lot of pain.

She said that she is worried that she will stop loving me in order to stop hurting. You can imagine how this makes ME feel. Every conversation has an oppressive air to it, things are much different.

So I see two possible outcomes with two possible effects from each.

1). I cannot go to see her no matter what.
-She is sad for a while but realizes she can get past it and still love me, appreciate who I am, and accept my love even if it is from a distance for a while longer.
A). This is one of the best options in my opinion. There is an alright chance of it, depending on how much she dwells on it and how much she realizes we still care for one another.
B). Things might return to some semblence of normal between us. This might only take a few weeks.
-She never gets over it.
A). She draws out the relationship, but realizes she just doesn't feel as strongly for me knowing it will be so many months again before we could meet.
B). This causes me immense pain, I've very attached, and I wouldn't be able to recover until it was completely over, which could be months, so long trapped with dying home. There is an equally good chance of this happening.

2). I somehow DO get to visit.
-She is happy, everything is good and unpredictable from here on out. Maybe I move to Alberta after college and we live happily ever after? I'm not to say.
A). This is most obviously my prime choice. It is also the least likely to happen.
B). I mean, who finds the person they're going to marry and be happy with at 16? Hopefully me.
-We meet, but it only leads to disaster.
A). She might not like me. It is a possibility.
B). She likes me TOO much. She can't stand being without me and the aching of missing me is too much pain. In order to stop wishing all the time for my company, she knows she has to cut all ties, as we could never be. This isn't as likely to happen because I am doubtful we will meet.

So comments? Questions? Advice? Suggestions?

I KNOW that there is a chance this won't work out and by drawing it out I am likely putting myself in the path for pain (indeed, the incident on Saturday night caused me to cry more at once than I have in many years combined). But I also know I am extremely dependent, obsessed, and attached, and can't just give her up, especially not without perhaps even more pain. I'm really hoping that this will just get better. I love her dearly.

If you truely love someone, then you aren't going to break up with them because you're a little hurt. She should know that you're trying your best to see her and people around you are screwing stuff up. Going alone Laurel's 'omen' line of thinking, The possibility of her breaking up with you for something like that might be an omen that her feelings aren't as strong as yours.

Tell her that you're doing everything in your power to see her, and she's very important to you. If she still ends up breaking up with you... ******** her, she obviously didn't have the same convictions that you did and it's better you weren't with her.

... Forgive the angst, I've been in a similar situation. She ended up cheating on me after a month because I couldn't get my license for a while.

Glad that I could help, but you do have to relize that her leaving you is a distinct possibility

'Expect the worse, but hope for the best.'

Have you had her mom speak to your mom?

Having the parents talk everything out could change her mind, or convinve your father to let you go.


In any case, the only way she could try to stop loving you is to dehumanize you because you'd remain an "unreal" inentity. Remind her that your feelings are hurt just as much as hers are. The only way for both of you to get over the pain of not visiting is to do it together.

It takes two to tango, and if one has sore feet the other can't drag them along.

Hope that made sense, I've only gotten 3 hours of sleep the past 3 nights. XD