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 Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 12:26 pm
The paragraph follows from my story:
“Yeah, I know. You’ve told me this only a thousand times!” Valencia stood, brushing any loose dirt from her dark jeans. “Celthin, if you would?” She gestured to the dwindling fire. The dragon glanced at the dying flame. Without a warning, he suddenly breathed an incredible flame filled with shades of blue, green, and purple. Valencia was astonished the first time she had seen the flame, and though she had now seen it many times, she was still mesmerized by its beauty.
The sentence I need help with would be the sentence that is bolded. I don't particularly like the way it's worded and would appreciate some help fixing it. Any ideas? Thank you!~
((Count this as a preview for what is to come! It's not the best 'preview' but it's something from the story, nonetheless!))
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Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 12:42 pm
Why not actually go in depth more with the detail of the flame, since it seems to be important? You don't need to try and squeeze everything into one sentence! blaugh
How about...
"Suddenly, without warning, he let loose a fiery hot flame, laced with a multitude of colors. Ocean-blue licked at the air while the vibrant purple almost seemed to be writhing around it. Green flame danced amongst the other colors, as if it was holding the two of them together."
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Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 5:10 pm
Sagittariis Munashii Why not actually go in depth more with the detail of the flame, since it seems to be important? You don't need to try and squeeze everything into one sentence! blaugh
How about...
"Suddenly, without warning, he let loose a fiery hot flame, laced with a multitude of colors. Ocean-blue licked at the air while the vibrant purple almost seemed to be writhing around it. Green flame danced amongst the other colors, as if it was holding the two of them together." Thank you, thank you! That is amazing! Do you mind if I use it? I'll change a few words, and describe the colors slightly differently. <3
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Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 5:17 pm
II Deadman Wonderland II Sagittariis Munashii Why not actually go in depth more with the detail of the flame, since it seems to be important? You don't need to try and squeeze everything into one sentence! blaugh
How about...
"Suddenly, without warning, he let loose a fiery hot flame, laced with a multitude of colors. Ocean-blue licked at the air while the vibrant purple almost seemed to be writhing around it. Green flame danced amongst the other colors, as if it was holding the two of them together." Thank you, thank you! That is amazing! Do you mind if I use it? I'll change a few words, and describe the colors slightly differently. <3 I don't mind at all! After all, you were asking for a sentence so I gave you one! xD
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Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 5:28 pm
Sagittariis Munashii II Deadman Wonderland II Sagittariis Munashii Why not actually go in depth more with the detail of the flame, since it seems to be important? You don't need to try and squeeze everything into one sentence! blaugh
How about...
"Suddenly, without warning, he let loose a fiery hot flame, laced with a multitude of colors. Ocean-blue licked at the air while the vibrant purple almost seemed to be writhing around it. Green flame danced amongst the other colors, as if it was holding the two of them together." Thank you, thank you! That is amazing! Do you mind if I use it? I'll change a few words, and describe the colors slightly differently. <3 I don't mind at all! After all, you were asking for a sentence so I gave you one! xD Thank you so much! As well, I ADORE your signature!! XD I love Assassin's Creed!!
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Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 5:29 pm
II Deadman Wonderland II Sagittariis Munashii II Deadman Wonderland II Sagittariis Munashii Why not actually go in depth more with the detail of the flame, since it seems to be important? You don't need to try and squeeze everything into one sentence! blaugh
How about...
"Suddenly, without warning, he let loose a fiery hot flame, laced with a multitude of colors. Ocean-blue licked at the air while the vibrant purple almost seemed to be writhing around it. Green flame danced amongst the other colors, as if it was holding the two of them together." Thank you, thank you! That is amazing! Do you mind if I use it? I'll change a few words, and describe the colors slightly differently. <3 I don't mind at all! After all, you were asking for a sentence so I gave you one! xD Thank you so much! As well, I ADORE your signature!! XD I love Assassin's Creed!!
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Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 5:34 pm
Sagittariis Munashii II Deadman Wonderland II Sagittariis Munashii II Deadman Wonderland II Sagittariis Munashii Why not actually go in depth more with the detail of the flame, since it seems to be important? You don't need to try and squeeze everything into one sentence! blaugh
How about...
"Suddenly, without warning, he let loose a fiery hot flame, laced with a multitude of colors. Ocean-blue licked at the air while the vibrant purple almost seemed to be writhing around it. Green flame danced amongst the other colors, as if it was holding the two of them together." Thank you, thank you! That is amazing! Do you mind if I use it? I'll change a few words, and describe the colors slightly differently. <3 I don't mind at all! After all, you were asking for a sentence so I gave you one! xD Thank you so much! As well, I ADORE your signature!! XD I love Assassin's Creed!! If I could figure out how to work the multiplayer I'd play it, too, but for some reason, it's really confusing! >__< It makes me wanna throw something it's so frusterating! I was actually replaying Brotherhood about twenty minutes ago! I beat it AGAIN! XD
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Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 5:41 pm
II Deadman Wonderland II Sagittariis Munashii II Deadman Wonderland II Sagittariis Munashii II Deadman Wonderland II Sagittariis Munashii Why not actually go in depth more with the detail of the flame, since it seems to be important? You don't need to try and squeeze everything into one sentence! blaugh
How about...
"Suddenly, without warning, he let loose a fiery hot flame, laced with a multitude of colors. Ocean-blue licked at the air while the vibrant purple almost seemed to be writhing around it. Green flame danced amongst the other colors, as if it was holding the two of them together." Thank you, thank you! That is amazing! Do you mind if I use it? I'll change a few words, and describe the colors slightly differently. <3 I don't mind at all! After all, you were asking for a sentence so I gave you one! xD Thank you so much! As well, I ADORE your signature!! XD I love Assassin's Creed!! If I could figure out how to work the multiplayer I'd play it, too, but for some reason, it's really confusing! >__< It makes me wanna throw something it's so frusterating! I was actually replaying Brotherhood about twenty minutes ago! I beat it AGAIN! XD I only just figured it out last night with the help of the friend I'm playing with at the moment. xD And the ending in Brotherhood was kind of like... wtf.
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Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 5:47 pm
Sagittariis Munashii II Deadman Wonderland II Sagittariis Munashii II Deadman Wonderland II Sagittariis Munashii I don't mind at all! After all, you were asking for a sentence so I gave you one! xD Thank you so much! As well, I ADORE your signature!! XD I love Assassin's Creed!! If I could figure out how to work the multiplayer I'd play it, too, but for some reason, it's really confusing! >__< It makes me wanna throw something it's so frusterating! I was actually replaying Brotherhood about twenty minutes ago! I beat it AGAIN! XD I only just figured it out last night with the help of the friend I'm playing with at the moment. xD And the ending in Brotherhood was kind of like... wtf. I KNOW! It was a *Stab* THE END. I was so pissed I sat on my bed for the next ten minutes not moving! I just stared at the screen in disbelief! Now, how about you, can YOU wait for the next Assassin's Creed? Apparently threre's a lot of new features I'm excited for! Like, actually being able to bypass a foot tall fence into a forest! And being able to climb trees!
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Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 5:54 pm
II Deadman Wonderland II Sagittariis Munashii II Deadman Wonderland II Sagittariis Munashii II Deadman Wonderland II Sagittariis Munashii I don't mind at all! After all, you were asking for a sentence so I gave you one! xD Thank you so much! As well, I ADORE your signature!! XD I love Assassin's Creed!! If I could figure out how to work the multiplayer I'd play it, too, but for some reason, it's really confusing! >__< It makes me wanna throw something it's so frusterating! I was actually replaying Brotherhood about twenty minutes ago! I beat it AGAIN! XD I only just figured it out last night with the help of the friend I'm playing with at the moment. xD And the ending in Brotherhood was kind of like... wtf. I KNOW! It was a *Stab* THE END. I was so pissed I sat on my bed for the next ten minutes not moving! I just stared at the screen in disbelief! Now, how about you, can YOU wait for the next Assassin's Creed? Apparently threre's a lot of new features I'm excited for! Like, actually being able to bypass a foot tall fence into a forest! And being able to climb trees!
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Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 5:55 pm
Sagittariis Munashii II Deadman Wonderland II Sagittariis Munashii II Deadman Wonderland II Sagittariis Munashii Thanks! I really love AC as well. XD Been playing Revelations multiplayer with one of my other Gaia buddies all day. xD If I could figure out how to work the multiplayer I'd play it, too, but for some reason, it's really confusing! >__< It makes me wanna throw something it's so frusterating! I was actually replaying Brotherhood about twenty minutes ago! I beat it AGAIN! XD I only just figured it out last night with the help of the friend I'm playing with at the moment. xD And the ending in Brotherhood was kind of like... wtf. I KNOW! It was a *Stab* THE END. I was so pissed I sat on my bed for the next ten minutes not moving! I just stared at the screen in disbelief! Now, how about you, can YOU wait for the next Assassin's Creed? Apparently threre's a lot of new features I'm excited for! Like, actually being able to bypass a foot tall fence into a forest! And being able to climb trees! Oh, you're right! Then we'll leave it at that! I'm sure I'll talk to you again in the near future! Have a nice day!~
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