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 Posted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 5:18 pm
s o l a r ' s | n o t e b o o k .
in which i post events, thoughts, or emotions pertaining to my life.
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Posted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 5:19 pm
i feel weird today.
that is all.
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Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 10:37 am
i don't like talking about my head. i function under the theory that if you
do not dwell on something, it will go away eventually.
unfortunately, instead of complaining about it, i worry about it in my mind
until i am overcome by an irrational anxiety stemming from something
in reality very microscopic however inflated by my stressed imagination.
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Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 4:35 pm
i don't feel like being today. it's been horrible.
my father and brother and i saw the amazing spider-man,
then afterwards my dad and i argued and i realized some things.
family, friends, love, life-- it's not worth a damn. especially love.
love is boring, love is idiotic, love isn't worth anything.
your family dies, your friends don't matter, love is stupid and so is life.
there is no necessity to live. it's pointless.
helping others isn't worth a damn, finding a purpose isn't worth a damn,
trying so much and failing every ******** time isn't worth a damn.
i'm sick of talking. i'm sick of not acting right.
i open my mouth, i can't function like a semi- socially adept human being,
i keep my mouth shut, i get yelled at and punished for being unresponsive
and somehow "disrespectful."
well i can't satisfy all the ******** and i can't help it if i'm angry.
i'll be as cynical as i want and i'm damn bitter and
if you're not caring, then you're not afraid.
i don't want anyone and i'd rather die alone than in some phony romance
that isn't worth a damn.(!!!)
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Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2012 3:31 pm
suddenly the idea came to me that i could make a lot of money through
being a sex worker, and now i am actually considering it. hmm.
i finished my 4-H project hallelujah!
life is weird and everyone is growing up but me.
on the bright side, my dad pretty much told me that once he's done
paying off his car, he'll let me have it. woo, $2800 later and it's mine~
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Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2012 6:36 pm
friday nights are a bit lonely, but it's monday night and it's terribly lonely.
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Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2012 3:27 pm
mum's listening to james taylor in the other room and it's making me feel oddly at peace.
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Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 8:41 pm
i feel myself diminishing... like i'm not even here
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Posted: Sun Jul 29, 2012 8:36 pm
the boy i have a crush on: shall be referred to as zag.
zag i think you broke my heart. you only acknowledge me in brief sporadic
moments, and i appreciate them all, but i think you broke my heart without
even consciously knowing it. you couldn't know it, though. no one could.
i try to hate you because if i hate you then i can be productive.
i try to tell myself that you think i'm cute anyway even if we don't talk.
i try to imagine that in the future you are interested in who i am as a person.
i try to concoct a possibility in my mind that i will one day be attractive. and that you will notice me then.
nobody is ever interested in me.
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Posted: Fri Aug 10, 2012 10:39 am
i need to write. but this house is so noisy and it disrupts me.
and it's raining.
....no excuses. i'll play guitar instead and then work on a story idea
that i've been holding onto for a while.
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Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2012 12:10 pm
i don't know how to not be lame and i don't know how to feel.
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Posted: Fri May 31, 2013 7:21 am
i haven't been depressed for a little while but when i become careless,
it returns with ferocity and i go back to all those emotions too easily.
my life is in shambles at the same time that my life is the best it's ever been.
i do not understand this. i do not expect you to, either.
i feel like i will always be sad, deep down, no matter what
because i always feel sad when i think about myself.
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Posted: Sun Jun 16, 2013 8:34 am
so this summer has been sort of stupid so far; i've been losing
some friends but gaining some others, but i am determined to turn
this all around. either way, i just want to say, i have a boyfriend now,
and god i love him so much.
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