|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 1:08 am
You can try and give advice if you want. I just think this is something I'm gonna have to work through on my own through time.
I feel pathetic. I should be happy. But I'm not. I am happy. I haven't been this happy in all of my life. But yet there's always this cloud hanging over me, always. Back in January I tried to kill myself. Why? Because I didn't want to live, to that exact definition. Didn't want to experience anything more. Didn't want to grow up. So I tried. And almost succeeded. My best friend intervened... took me to the ER and I was put in a hospital. A week or so after I got out, I met someone new at school. We hung out for a while, started talking and eventually got together. Started dating. Things progressed and while he's made a huge difference, I'm still the same as I was in ways. Still suicidal. Not as strongly, and I most definitely won't act on it. I wouldn't do that to my family, especially not to my boyfriend. I'm a people pleaser. I'm selfless. I put everyone's happiness before mine. I respect my family. I do as I'm told. And in the end I get walked all over.
Before, I was scared to grow up. Now I can't wait. Can't wait to get out of my house. Can't wait to be on my own. Well, not completely. I'd be with my boyfriend but you know. Away from my family. It's driving me crazy here. All I want to do is get out of the house. That's why I haven't been on much lately, because I've been doing everything I can to get out. And while my best friend and boyfriend make everything more bearable, it's still difficult. I still have all this stress weighing me down. I'm the one everyone runs to when people want something done. And yet I'm the one they restrain the most. I'm an adult. Technically. Might as well be. I pay my bills. I'm driving. Going to have a job. Already taken my GED test, may as well have it since I know I passed. That should count for something, shouldn't it? I feel worthless. I know I'm not but I feel it. In my perspective, I am. I'm awkward, I'm stupid at times, clumsy, a d**k, violent, offensive, fat, etc. So many flaws. I feel so pathetic. I shouldn't have to worry about all of this. This shouldn't bother me. If I was stronger, I could handle this. But I'm not. I'm so weak. Everyone puts so much faith in me, everyone claims I can handle just about anything. In reality, I can't. I can't even go out in public at times because I'm so scared. I'm only just starting to overcome my intense fear of driving. I can't even talk to people because I'm so scared of them. Most of the time I don't speak unless spoken to. I'm so ******** up...
And on top of all this... I might be pregnant. I don't need a child right now. Of course, I'm going to spend the rest of my life with the man I'm with. But I'm 17. Financially unstable, mentally unstable. I do want a child with him at some point but I am NOT ready. Granted, if I am pregnant, then I am... I'll push through it and we'll make it.
I don't know what to do. I'm so sick of this constant depression, constant stress. I should be happy. Completely. I dunno... I could go on and on and on and on. But I'm really tired right now. And my train of thought is going off all sorts of places... Going to sleep. May add more later.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 9:45 am
Hannah, I love you. You're one of my best online friends, and you've helped me through my muck. You're an amazing person, and I really wish you wouldn't feel that way. But you are human and so on and forth and whatever.
Please, text me whenever. I wish we'd talk more because you are super cool. Don't you have my number? PM me if you don't.
Anyways, I can feel like I relate. At least to the growing up, and crushing fears part. I was unable to grow up when I lived with my parents. They were always babying me, and coddling me, and hindering me. I love them to death, but I had to get away. It was terrifying because I don't know how to be by my own, and I'm still heavily dependent on my boyfriend, but I'm starting to grow up on my own. I was terrified of driving as well, but he really helped me through it. He didn't freak me out like my parents did. He said that I sucked, but I just need more practice. And now I have my driver's license. Heck, I'm driving home by myself from work, tonight.
I support you moving, full steam. It's scary, but you can't live with your family forever. And all of your fears? You just have to take them on. Slowly, but you have to do it. They won't go away until you do. It's terrifying, but would you rather just be sitting in your house scared of everything forever? Or would you rather be terrified, but trying and beating it?
Also, pregnant? Hannah, that's great and that's terrible. Babies are wonderful, but horribly expensive. I'm sure you know this all already. I am pro-choice. It is your body. I would rather somebody abort a child, then raise it improperly and possibly abuse or neglect it because they can't handle it. Nobody deserves abuse, neglect, torture, and personally, I sure as hell consider some of the way these horrible parents are raising children as 'neglect', I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. Nobody should, or at least I won't, think any less of you if you abort it. Sometimes, it's the only real choice you have. If you do go through with the baby, if you are pregnant, then you are strong and brave, but I wish you the best of luck. I won't tell you the story of my best best irl friend here or now, but if you want to hear it [and you're in better spirits] pm me. It's kind of depressing, but I can't feel too bad for her because those are the choices she made.
And finally, Hannah, you are amazing. You know how I said you are one of my best online friends? Somehow, in the whole online world and list of people I know, you're one of the only people who likes what I like, and then some. You are just so cool! I really admire you. We have similar senses of humor, and interests, and you show[ed] me really cool things! I want to talk to you more, and get to know you more. It's selfish, but I really wish you could move to Austin. I can't give you a place to live or anything, but I can hang out with you [whenever I'm not working or sleeping] and try to help you get over your public fears, and driving fears, and just have fun!
Also, a thought just occurred to me. Are you still taking happy pills? If you aren't, >:C. If you are, maybe you're building an immunity to them and you need a slightly higher dosage?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 1:52 am
Thank you, Genean. I really needed that. Sorry it took me a while to respond. x.x; And... I do have your number. I completely forgot O.O oops. Exactly, all of that. And yeah, pregnant... I'm 3 days late for my period with no sign of it in sight. I'm most definitely pro-choice as well, but my parents aren't. I don't know what they'd say. If I am and I can't abort, if I'm not financially stable by the time I give birth I'll probably give it up for adoption. It'd be the best thing I could do. Even if I am financially stable, I'm not emotionally or mentally stable enough to raise a child. I don't know if I'd move to Austin (mostly because of the heat, and my boyfriend's heavily against going to Texas) but I'd sure as hell visit cause I would LOVE to meet you and hang out with you. 'Cause you are just as awesome! And yeah, I'm still taking my pills. Well, sort of. I ran out and my mom refilled the scrip but hasn't given me the new pills yet. :/ I'm also thinking I do need to up my dosage. 'Cause I've been all sorts of wacked out... and yet, if I am pregnant I'm gonna have to stop taking them. Stop smoking. Stop a LOT of stuff. :/ Gah. That's gonna be bad. But thank you, thank you so much. heart I appreciate you being here for me more than I can express.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 10:57 pm
I try to stay civil. But no.
I'm already in turmoil and want to cry because I'll be separated from him. Now you're just gonna egg me on more?
I don't even want to go. I haven't wanted to go since grandpa said he wasn't coming.
It's not even about being here with James. It's that I'm emotionally ******** up. I feel sick all the time lately. I want to cry all the time. I don't wanna be around people. Anyone.
she doesn't even listen.
never listens.
treats me like a ******** child still.
i can't go. i can't deal with her. i can't deal with my siblings. i need. a. break.
i'm hurting right now.
really bad.
like.
physically and emotionally.
just.
i wanna cry. and i can't. its like this pressure in my throat/chest but i can't cry.
i wanna puke. i wanna hide. from everything and everyone.
anyway. i think i'm starting to cry now. i'm gonna let this go for now.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 11:23 pm
So I'm very likely pregnant. Five days late for my period. Had sex right as I was ovulating. My stomach's been so weird lately.
Taking a test in the morning.
If I am, I am. I'll get through it. It might be a blessing in disguise. If not, then oh well. What happens, happens.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 11:34 pm
you need satan So I'm very likely pregnant. Five days late for my period. Had sex right as I was ovulating. My stomach's been so weird lately. Taking a test in the morning. If I am, I am. I'll get through it. It might be a blessing in disguise. If not, then oh well. What happens, happens.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 11:47 pm
AgentShiny you need satan So I'm very likely pregnant. Five days late for my period. Had sex right as I was ovulating. My stomach's been so weird lately. Taking a test in the morning. If I am, I am. I'll get through it. It might be a blessing in disguise. If not, then oh well. What happens, happens. I know. Thank you. heart
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 11:09 pm
Not pregnant.
I can't wait to go home. I don't wanna be here anymore. Family? They mean nothing. My mom, dad, and my siblings. They're the only ones that matter. Everyone else can go ******** die. I don't care. I didn't want to come. I knew it wouldn't be good. I knew it. But no. No.
But at the same time I didn't wanna stay, cause of my dad. He makes me so, so angry. He degrades me, screams at me. Above all, does not listen. Treats me like everything I say is not important. Like I'm an ignorant child who has no clue about anything. ******** all of this.
smoke meth, hail satan.
but not really.
I just gave the best advice I have ever given in my life, and tried to cheer someone up and actually did it! And now I'm all sorts of ******** depressed. ******** this sadg;lajdgshn;aekglgjab giljads gnsg
I want. to go home.
hide.
and be with my james.
he makes everything better
i just want him here...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2012 4:45 pm
my best ******** friend is moving all the way to the other side of the country and my mom won't let me have more time with her before she leaves because she wants to stay in arkansas
she knows how upset i am
i was bawling because of it
i hate this
she leaves on thursday
and we might be leaving tomorrow, might
but that only leaves me a day and a half with her
not even
whatever.....
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
