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[CRIT][READY] Luca McBride

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Chimerical Beast

PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 1:10 pm


YOUNG GIRL

Name: Luca McBride
Color: #66A1D2 - Ice Queen
Age: 16
Nationality: American (mutt, primarily black Irish)
Home/Financial Status: Middle class
School: Teufel Town High School

Personality:
At first glance, Luca is unremarkable in every way. Completely average, excepting perhaps her lack of interaction with others. A loner, then, perhaps?
But if you keep watching, you'll notice that she rarely smiles, and those seem superficial somehow. You'll lose track of her easily; she avoids places with too many people, but is careful not to get caught alone in the open for long. If she approaches a schoolmate, they'll often respond in a friendly manner: Luca is not without friends. She does not, however, allow others the chance to approach her. Sooner or later, though, she'll slip up. And then you'll see it, too.
The kids that come to her are hostile. Kids learn those words at such a young age nowadays. Some of the taunts are obvious (whore, b***h, queer, slut, retard). Others are more cryptic (an animal call, a nonsense word), and it is only the tone that makes them insulting. But nothing physical; never physical. Physical is what ends the game. The adults draw the line at physical.
But if you don't touch her, you can do anything else. Anything at all.
Watch her a little longer.
Whatever it is that makes Luca Luca, she must keep inside herself, because you don't see it. You don't see a person at all. Only something that reacts to outside forces. Minimizes contact. Disengages.
Now you must stop. Dig no deeper; you might actually find something, and you don't want to do that. Because as things stand now, Luca is not a person.
Luca is a plaything.
That's what makes it okay.

Unless you are very patient and gain Luca's trust, you likely won't learn a blessed thing about her personality. You may come to the conclusion that Luca is antisocial or, at best, paranoid. She won't do anything to dissuade you from that opinion. Luca does not want to get to know you. You are dangerous.
The way Luca conducts herself in public is almost entirely a facade. Luca is reasonably bright, but won't speak up in class. She does not engage in any after school activities, even though she would like very much to participate in theater (see history for more details). She wants to dye her hair and dress up, but she doesn't. Luca has given up any and all hope of finding even a little bit of self-fulfillment before graduation. The most she can do, in her mind, is minimize the humiliation and pain she must suffer before then.

If, if, you can convince her to trust you, you'll find a whole other person. Luca is an avid student of history, most especially European, and an accomplished seamstress. If you needed period-appropriate dress for a renfair, for example, Luca would be your girl (though you might be hard pressed to get her to deviate- even slightly -from the historically accurate blueprint she found).
Luca is a romantic at heart, and loves Medieval fantasy and fairy tales. Luca loves the hell out of unicorns.

Appearance:
Black hair that stops just past her shoulders, it has a slight, natural wave to it. Pale skin and freckles. Stoic expression, passive stance. Bland clothing (the sort of thing that a parent would approve of, but not so formal that other kids would find it weird). Little to no makeup.

History:
Luca had the misfortune of being singled out as 'the weakest link' among her peers at a very early age. She has lived in the same place her whole life, and has gone to school with the same people, so she was never able to shake this label. People don't really have an actual reason to bully Luca more than anyone else, excepting perhaps that the years of abuse have worn her down to the point where she has very little self esteem and a wariness of other people. Besides, what other reason do kids need but 'everybody's doing it'?

When Luca was ten, she wanted to have a tea party on her birthday. She planned everything out and, with the help of her parents, decorated a room to look like it was from the Victorian era. She invited her friends and her entire class. Four kids showed up; two because their parents made them. Two of Luca's three friends came (the last was home sick with strep). Luca stopped having birthday parties after that.
As soon as her friend got better, though, the four of them threw their own tea party because what the hell. And this one was better because everyone was in period appropriate dress.

Luca's 16th birthday sucked. For one thing, she was on her cycle, which was bad enough. For another, it was a school day. They were swimming in gym class when someone (or some people) broke into her locker (Luca kept the combination in her assignment book). They stole her underwear and the lunch money in her pants pocket. A frantic and tearful phone call later, her mom came and picked her up from school. The next day, her bra and panties were found pinned to the chalkboard in homeroom. Her name was written beneath them, but Luca denied everything.
That weekend, at her late-birthday sleepover, her guy friend (who was allowed to stay until after cake) said that he thought he might be able to find out who did it. A few days later, roadkill was found in the ring-leader's bedroom (first floor and her window was open). Luca's friend was never caught.

The last play her school put on during her freshman year was Tartuffe. Though Luca was in theater class (she needed an elective, and she really does like acting/role playing/cosplay), she hadn't tried out for any plays so far. But Tartuffe took place in 17th century France, and it was in verse, and it was funny, and she needed to be in it. She was cast as Dorine and loved every minute of it (though she was a little disappointed that she wouldn't get to wear a fancy dress). The play did surprisingly well, and many more students came to see it than was expected.
After the final performance, many audience members complimented Luca's acting. In fact, she even got flowers (yes, they were from her parents, but who cares?). This was a wonderful boost for her ego.
Until the Monday after closing night rolled around. She was teased for weeks afterward for her role, often being spoken to and treated like an actual servant. Luca didn't understand: the play had been a major success, and she'd played her part well- why was she being picked on for it? Luca hasn't tried out for another play since. Part of Theater Two's class requirements is to preform in a short play for a small audience, but during the dress rehearsal, Luca broke down. She was taken to the nurses office for a panic attack. Luca begged her baffled teacher not to make her go on stage. When some of her classmates explained what had happened after Tartuffe, Luca was allowed to work backstage.
Luca's contribution to the theater department has since been that of a stage hand, techy, or costume director (they really hit the jackpot with that last one). Though she did write a play for a student directed project under a pseudonym.

Family:
Luca's father is a nurse, and her mother is an artist that works from home. They know (most of) what Luca's going through, but don't know what to do about it. They've complained to the school a few times, but not much seems to have been done about it. They schedule counseling appointments for Luca every two weeks.

Luca's younger brother, Kim, is kind of a jerk, but that's because he's her younger brother. Though he is reasonably well-liked by his peers, he sometimes gets teased, too (guilt by association). This causes a sort of resentment on his part toward his sister, which he usually vents by snubbing or snapping at her. Luca does her best not to let it get under her skin, but she'll sometimes say or do something she later regrets if he pushes her. On the other hand, when he hears someone talking smack about his sister, he usually stands up for her. Blood being thicker than water and all that.


Friends:
Luca has three friends she knows she can rely on. The four of them grew up in the same neighborhood (two of them on the same street, and two of them in the same house) and have been in the same schools since preschool. Ben and Kate are fraternal twins who share a bond that some would call psychic. Ben is a little feminine for a guy, and Kate is a little masculine for a girl... but this isn't so pronounced as to be jarring. The most surprising aspect of their relationship is the fact that they get along most of the time. They live behind Luca's house. Courtney lives at the cul-de-sac at the end of Luca's street, and is surprisingly eccentric. She has a vast collection of wigs and has been known to sport a different hairstyle each week. Also, she paints her nails certain colors for holidays. She occasionally gets teased, but this doesn't seem to particularly bother her.


PUELLA MAGI

Language: Irish? French? Italian? Something European.

Desires: To be safe, to be left alone, to no longer be misused by others

Emblem: Plaited pentagram - A design used to ward off evil

Weapon: Lantern shield, if possible, buckler (shield) if not

Type of Magic: Force-fields. They're cold to the touch and incredibly strong. They have a slight blue-gray tint.
The flash from her lantern shield can temporarily blind an opponent.

Outfit: Luca is pretty girly at heart, so it shouldn't be overly masculine. At the same time, she probably wouldn't go so far as Madoka did with the ruffles and ribbons XD
Her hair would probably be the same color as her eyes in her magical girl form, because that's what she'd dye her hair if she had the courage.
Also, defense all up in here.


NOTE
Luca is defensive and passive to an unhealthy degree. Her magic, weapon, and outfit should reflect this.
PostPosted: Sat Aug 04, 2012 1:34 pm


Ready for review and critique!

COME AT ME BRO

Chimerical Beast


DraconicFeline

Hilarious Genius

9,175 Points
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 11, 2012 9:43 pm


*stretches*
Ok, I'll take a crack at it cat_3nodding
Just a warning, I'm kinda stream of conciousness when it comes to these things.

First thing that strikes me is that you have her painted as a chamouflaged loner, someone that nobody sees.
And yet Everybody sees her, it seems, and goes out of their way to hurt her. Breaking into lockers and stealing panties? Being general bitches? Seems that they CARE about her in a negative way. Perhaps she makes them uncomfortable, and so they ostracize her so that they feel good about themselves... but there are other things that dont jive.

You have her painted, also, as a loner. Nothing wrong with loners. Someone said in Lieta's quest (when she was Liyen) that i should contemplate making her not lonely. But i dont see the problem with lots of lonely characters: its probably one of the reasons Kyuubey targets them in the first place...
My problem here is that you have her painted as this closed up, friendless nobody.
When she clearly has friends and allies willing and ready to go the extra distance for her. And who are reliable and loyal.

Its like theres three pretty interesting characters that you tried to smush into one; a shy, reserved girl who lives in terror that she will be noticed, a lonely girl who is bullied all the time, and a girl who has her hardships but also has people she can count on when the going gets rough.

I think they could merge together nicely if you took out some of the harshly conflicting bits.
She wont be lonely if she has friends of that caliber who will break into someone's house and leave roadkill on her behalf.
Just my thought there.

But I like how the shy, inwards-turning side of her personality is reflected in her powers and weapon. I say go classic victorian or something snazzy like that for the costume. She seems to like that.

Maybe a little more info on the friends, if you keep them. And her brother. He seems kinda... appendaged as he is.

Surely, her parents asked advice about how to deal with the problem.

And what of the counseling? what does she think of that? Does it do anything?

I like her parent's jobs, by the way.


In summary, You have a lot of good ideas growing here, but you need to thin out a few of them so that the others can become strong and have deep roots and... my plant analogy is failing but hopefully you get what I mean.
I personally want to know a bit more about the people in her life, because that seems like it will define her a hell of a lot. And I'm curious.

Anyway, hope you like my critique
PostPosted: Sun Aug 12, 2012 7:37 am


First of all, thanks for the critique!

DraconicFeline
First thing that strikes me is that you have her painted as a chamouflaged loner, someone that nobody sees.
And yet Everybody sees her, it seems, and goes out of their way to hurt her.

Indeed. Luca does what she can to blend in, but it ultimately doesn't do much. She would probably be harassed more if she didn't keep her head down, but there's no way for her to stop it aside from moving, or doing something drastic that would probably get her into trouble with the law.
They don't go out of their way so much as they "use" her when they feel like it, or bump into her. Luca is a basically a punching bag. Kids know that they can get away with hurting her.

DraconicFeline
You have her painted, also, as a loner. Nothing wrong with loners. ...
My problem here is that you have her painted as this closed up, friendless nobody.
When she clearly has friends and allies willing and ready to go the extra distance for her. And who are reliable and loyal.

She's closed up, but she's not friendless. She has three friends who've known her since forever, and are faithful to her. They know the real Luca: a vibrant, imaginative girl with a flair for fashion and skilled hands. She's kind, and generous with her time and talents. She makes for a good friend.
Luca around people she trusts is a very different person from Luca in public.

DraconicFeline
Its like theres three pretty interesting characters that you tried to smush into one; a shy, reserved girl who lives in terror that she will be noticed, a lonely girl who is bullied all the time, and a girl who has her hardships but also has people she can count on when the going gets rough.

I think they could merge together nicely if you took out some of the harshly conflicting bits.
She wont be lonely if she has friends of that caliber who will break into someone's house and leave roadkill on her behalf.
Just my thought there.

You're right; those are three facets of Luca. She is a little lonely (her friends can't be there all the time wink ), but she mostly just wants her abusers to leave her alone. When it comes to the student body at large, Luca would settle for being ignored.

DraconicFeline
But I like how the shy, inwards-turning side of her personality is reflected in her powers and weapon. I say go classic victorian or something snazzy like that for the costume. She seems to like that. ...
I like her parent's jobs, by the way.

Thank you! And, hmm, yes... Victorian might be something to look into.

DraconicFeline
Maybe a little more info on the friends, if you keep them. And her brother. He seems kinda... appendaged as he is. ...
Surely, her parents asked advice about how to deal with the problem. ...
And what of the counseling? what does she think of that? Does it do anything?

You're totally right about her brother. I admit I put him there more for her parents's sake than anything else (killing off a family's only child seems pretty cruel, even if they are imaginary sweatdrop ). I'll add more about him, and more about Luca's friends.
Her parents probably did ask for advice. Counseling might have been the best they felt they could do (because, what can they do?).
The counseling does help a little bit. It mostly keeps Luca from doing something rash and self-destructive. I think she appreciates having someone she can tell just about anything to. She bottles a lot of stuff up, even around her friends.

DraconicFeline
Anyway, hope you like my critique

Yep! Thanks again!

Chimerical Beast

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♦ ARCA ARCHA - semi-custom quests

 
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