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"Hmm, I can't really prove anything..but if I wanted to kill you, wouldn't I already have? I wouldn't be needing to escape, now would I? I'd actually be glad you were stupid enough to close the doors and trap yourself with me in here, and i'd be armed as well, as you can see I have no weapons with me."














Claudia put her book on the table next to the chair. She then took the chalice and drank from it, she wasn't particularly thirsty, but she wouldn't say no to the blood. She licked her lips and put the chalice on top of the book, her gaze went to her pet whom she adored "I am quite alright my dear Cerberus, just a tad bored." she took his chin on her hand to lift his face to hers, her eyes gazing at his "The more I look into your eyes the more they seem to be just like mine...and empty void. How I wish you were more alive my lovely pet." she said this with something of a rueful smile on her lips.

:❖:[Ƭ]нɛяɛƨα Ǥяαʏ:❖:

As Tessa slept, she found herself in a home, in the home there were tall people, or had she become small? Everything seemed so much bigger, two older people being killed, a man and a woman. Everything seemed out of a horror movie, on her side a kitchen knife, the scene skipping, she was panting, her hair a mess, bodies on the floor, beside her someone else, another small child, was she child? She wondered, before waking up the last thing she saw were shinning eyes and a manic smile. Tessa's eyes shot open, she held on to her chest as if she couldn't breathe, she looked around wondering where she was and remembered she was in the Pokemon Center a dream she thought, she laughed a little, a bit out of breath for some reason that dream felt familiar "Must be from everything that happened today.." she mumbled, she looked out of the window and saw it was still dark.

The last post "Angelique" is the current level that I am at, I can work more into it, but it would take some effort, and lot of thinking and proof reading before posting.

I'd like to improve length and descriptions and would like to know your opinion on structure. I am satisfied with my current dialogue, I'll train myself on using a wider range of vocabulary.

Yeah, the patterns I meant were the type of characters I create, how can I make them a bit more diverse, as well as things that could use improvement in my writing style.

Let me preface this by saying that these are my opinions, and not meant to discourage you in any way. It's kind of big and intimidating, but not intended to destroy your self-esteem, I promise.


First off, about how quickly do you make a post? One thing to remember is that as the expectation of quality rises, so does the time it takes to write. It may be a good idea as you practice developing your skill to play in fewer RPs so that you have more time for each.

I usually only do one role-play at a time, and I try to give myself about an hour a day to post. But I think I'm slower than most. whee



As far as length is concerned, I would recommend you take a look at Golden_Hyperbole's tutorial, Turning a One-Liner into a Paragraph. It describes a lot of the things that you need to be thinking about as you write.

For example, most of your posts seem to have very little description of the environment. Take a moment to imagine the scene you are writing about in your head. Imagine yourself in the scene. What do you see, hear, or feel? Try to identify a few noticeable objects in the area and describe them in your post.

If you look at the difference between your last post and your first, you can see that your first post is entirely dialogue, with no descriptions at all. Your last post (with Angelique) does a much better job at setting the scene. Even so, it leaves a lot of questions. Things like:

What did Ange see outside the window? Where were Royce and Sarumi relative to her? What was the classroom like? How many people were in it? What time of day was it?

If you can begin to think about the scene as a whole rather than focusing solely on your character's thoughts or actions, you can bring a lot more life into your writing.

You already seem to be getting the hang of expressing how your character feels. The description of Ange guessing the unknown future of the two students was well done. So keep that up. If you can add more details to your posts, you'll find it quite easy to double or triple your post length. surprised



Moving on to structure. One thing I noticed in most of the posts you showed was that the writing felt very staccato. Sentences tended not to flow well into each other, and all shared the same basic structure. In some cases, it felt more like reading a list than a story.

Using one of the samples you posted, take a look at how many clauses start with the word "she".



It's quite a lot. Notice also that most of those sentences are arranged the same way. Let me rearrange the way they're presented, so you get a better feel for how it flows when reading.



Again, you can see that most of these (that aren't dialogue) start with "she", but that can also apply to any subject (Tessa). So all your sentences are Subject [object] verb [predicate]. By splitting the sentences up, you can also tell a lot more clearly where you have run-ons or need appropriate punctuation.

What you want to avoid is having your writing sound as if you are listing off actions one after the other. For example:

Ted got out of bed.
He brushed his teeth and showered.
He put on some clothes and looked in the mirror.
He left his room.

Obviously, that's an extreme example, but even with a lot of extra phrases mixed in, the sentence structure is the same. One thing you can try is to look back at the sentence before the one you're writing. If they start the same way, consider changing their structure. You may have to revise your structure several times in a single post, but it makes a big difference in the quality of your writing. You'll find before long that you create a good variation of structures without thinking about it.

If you want more specific tips on how to do that, let me know.

You may want to break up your sentences into smaller chunks as well, using more paragraphs to convey breaks in ideas. Obviously, everyone has their own paragraph structure, so you can completely ignore this if you want. I'll tell you mine anyway.

Here's how I would lay out the post above:


The rules I used here were pretty simple. I always start a new paragraph when:
● Sentences start with dialogue having no lead-in sentence before them (or too many sentences in the current paragraph).
● A sentence starts with dialogue from one character but the paragraph already has dialogue from another. (i.e. a paragraph can have only one character's dialogue in it)
● A change in thought, direction, or time occurs.

Like I said, you can ignore all that. I just thought I'd share.



Finally, characters. It will be difficult to really tell how different your characters are from just these posts, but I think I can spot some trends that you should be aware of.

First, I noticed that some of your characters seem to have one of the pitfalls of a Mary Sue. Essentially the trap is "I'm an awesome person and there's nothing wrong with me but I have a 'dark past.'" Now clearly it's not inherently bad for a character to have a troubled past, it's just that people often use that as an excuse to have no character flaws. Basically just be mindful of it.

As you mentioned in the other thread, your characters do seem to be more of the introverted or quiet type, and all seem to be good-natured. For something different, try a character that is loud, obnoxious, or impulsive. Like Omnipresent War mentioned, an "evil" or at least "not good" character would be something to try, as well.


Anyway, I hope that this wasn't too much to take in all at once. whee

Is this better teacher? I tried to not use She so much and describe a bit more on what surrounds the character, not too much, since it's not a semi-lit role play though sweatdrop

B-But you are my teacher o.o if not senpai =3=
I agree with that first sentence, I had an idea on my mind as to how to portray it, but I just couldn't get it into words..so i just kind of let it be >.>...
Thank you for the advice on the lead-ins I will try to apply it on my next post >:3
Oh and..yay! I was praised! TvT
And it is indeed about a game~

Well, the person hasn't replied yet, and all of my other role plays seem to have died...~_~

Haha ok, I'll call you Pal xD

And will do! I'll try my best to avoid comma splices.

Will do, will do~ I have some role playing friends...that are worse or just like me o.o...