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 Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2011 10:30 am
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It's another average day at Galaxy Squadron headquarters. Galaxy Orange, the team leader, known as Billy, is sitting at his desk on an elevated platform in the middle of the room. Galaxy Teal, Byron, is off to his side typing furiously on his keyboard despite the lazy flickering of characters across the computer screen. Galaxy Green, Kai, meditates in the corner. Galaxy Purple, Maggie, chats to Galaxy Beige, Al, mindlessly going on about some topic or another, failing to notice the other girl's hand on her thigh.
Billy: I just don't understand, team! We've been sitting here all day, but there haven't been any calls!
Byron: Logically, Leader, villains are people too. Even they need days off. And logically, you should be happy there isn't any trouble! Besides, it's only noon.
Kai: Noon -- sun reaches peak... Warm rays dry the morning dew... I'm hungry, when's lunch?
Billy: This is no time for lunch! Admiral Darkness is out there somewhere, plotting something evil, right as we speak!
Maggie: Did someone say something about lunch? Oooh, my girl friends and I went to the BEST fro-yo place yesterday. I should take you there, Allie! Wouldn't that be fun?
Al: ...Huh? Oh, yeah, totally. ...Are you wearing new lipgloss?
Byron: Logically, Leader, every Galaxy Squadron member should have a healthy, balanced lunch, so they have the energy to combat the evilest of Admiral Darkness' minions of all -- low blood sugar.
Billy: ...You may be right, Byron. Alright team! I think Kai's mom packed a lunch for all of us, too!
Kai: My mother's cooking... deserves a five star rating... you won't be sorry.
And so the team settles down for a nice lunch. But just as they bite into their delicious homemade sandwiches, the alarm goes off! Galaxy Orange leaps to his feet, calling the rest of his team to follow.
Billy: You know what that sound means, team! Admiral Darkness is at it again!
Al: I know that address! That's the senior center! My grandma goes there for her jazzercise class!
Maggie: Ohmygosh! Isn't the senior center by the mall?
Galaxy Purple lets out a horrified cry and throws her arms around Galaxy Beige, who is much too... flattered by the gesture of purely platonic affection to correct her.
Byron: Logically, that can only mean one thing! Admiral Darkness is targeting old--
Billy: Admiral Darkness is targeting old people! Everyone knows that elderly people are filled with nothing but baked goods and sage advice, and that they should be loved and respected! Admiral Darkness won't get away with it this time! Galaxy Squadron Five? Let's blast off!
An electric guitar begins to play as the five Galaxy Squadron members hurry off to their stations. Images flash across the screen as the five members transform into their superhero suits, colored helmets hiding their true identities as Billy, Byron, Kai, Maggie, and Al a secret from their foes! The music ends as the five are seen sprinting towards the senior center. They come to a screeching halt, Galaxy Purple topples over and faceplants straight into the pavement.
Maggie: Don't worry! I'm okay! I'm wearing a helmet!
Al: This doesn't make sense, Leader! There's no one here!
Billy: But our alarms never lie! Admiral Darkness has to be here!
Kai: Independently.... Masters of evil may act... This is what I think...
As the group ponders the whereabouts of their foe, a clue rings out through the afternoon air -- a child's cry!
Al: That's right! There's a playground nearby!
Billy: That is no ordinary cry! That child has seen evil!
Byron: Logically, a child is an easier target. You must be right, Leader!
Maggie: They're picking on a kid? How mean!
The five take off towards the playground, the child's melodramatic sobs growing louder and louder. Soon, they turn a corner, and lo and behold! A man in a horned helmet looms over a crying child, holding a rainbow lollipop high over his head.
Billy: It's you! You're one of Admiral Darkness' minions! Sergeant Black Hole!
Sergeant: Muahahaha! Why, if it isn't the Galaxy Squadron Five? Took you long enough to show up.
Kai: Drop that lollipop... It belongs to the child... It's not yours to take!
Byron: Logically, you have no reason to take that lollipop! Everyone knows villains don't like candy!
Al: Drop it before I make you!
Maggie: Please?
Sergeant: Haha! I'd like to see you try!
Billy: You heard him, team! Galaxy Squadron Five, go...!
The team rushes forward to the evil Sergeant Black Hole, and the frame freezes. TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK! appears on the screen in large letters. The screen then fades to black, followed by a good fifteen minutes of commercials for Galaxy Squadron Five merchandise and its official fanclub.
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Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2011 9:15 pm
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A darklit stage can be seen with a lone person standing in the middle. Bright blue lights turn on to reveal the face of the wonderfully handsome Viktor Anderwold, wearing a hideous Christmas sweater and wearing a Santa hat. He smiled, holding the microphone eagerly in front of him.
Viktor: Hello all! Thank you for tuning into CAKE OR DEAAAATH! I’m Viktor Andwerwold, your lovely host. If you didn’t watch our premiere last week, or even if you did, you’re in for a treat tonight! This episode is going to be a super duper, special, fantastic, wonderful, extraordinary holiday special! Now, let’s meet our contestants!
The other lights come on and camera shifts over to the contestants standing on separate platforms.
Viktor: Team one is Tracy and Jordan!
Tracy: Hi Viktor!
Viktor: Yes, yes. Hello. Team two! Patrick and Patricia!
Patrick: Let’s do this!
Viktor: Good to see that you’re into it, Pat 1. Team three! Melissa and Greg!
Greg: …
Viktor: Well okay then! Let’s get this staaarted!
A dramatic song starts to play as the lights go back down and only spotlights shine on team one and Viktor.
Viktor: The coins have been flipped backstage and it seems that team one is going to go first! What a coincidence! Okay, Tracy and Jordan, who will be the brain?
Jordan: I’ll be the brains!
Viktor: Okay! Now, as I said before, this is our holiday special! That means that all the questions and all of the challenges are going to be holiday oriented!
Jordan: Wait… I don’t want to brains, then.
Viktor: Ohhhh, too bad! Here we go! Jordan, your question is… Which country was the first to use the tradition of Christmas trees?!
Jordan: Uhh… America?
Viktor: Ohhh, no, no. The correct answer is Germany!
Tracy: YOU DUMB BEEEEEEEEP! I’M FROM GERMANY! HOW COULD YOU BE SOOOOOO BEEEEEEEEEEEEP STUPID!
Viktor: I love my job. So sorry Tracy and Jordan, but since you failed to correctly answer your question… you will be thrown to the depths below your platform. Which is a pack of wild and extremely hungry reindeer! Goodbye!
Viktor presses a button conveniently placed on the back of his question card and the stage team one is standing on drops out, causing the two members to fall through the floor screaming the whole way.
Viktor: Eeeesh! Okay, team two! Who will be the brains?!
Patricia: I will!
Viktor: Okay, Pat 2! Your question is… Which is the only Santa’s reindeer that is named after another animal?
Patricia: Hmm…Dasher, Dancer… Prancer, Vixen, Comet… Cupid, Donner, Blitzen… Rudolph. Uhhh… Vixen?
Viktor: Wow, Pat 2! That is correct!
Patrick Yeah, baby! Bring it home to daddy!
Viktor: Okay, Pat 1! Follow meeeee!
Viktor smiled, spun around and jogged over to the left stage which lit up to reveal two large conveyer belts and a large metal Santa statue in the middle of them.
Viktor: Pat 1, your mission is to grab the boxes going down this conveyer belt before they reach the end, then you place the items that appear on the screen into these boxes, tie them and send them down the line. Sounds easy, right?
Patrick: Not exactly…
Viktor: I will press this button and start the belts in three… two… one… GO!
Viktor presses the button and the conveyer belts start to turn. Patrick looks over at his teammate and then dashes to the belts. He grabs the first box, spins and drops it in front of the screen and begins frantically grabbing items and tossing them in. He searches for the ribbon and sends the first one on its way. In the time that it took him to finish the first one, three more boxes were already making it their way down the belt. He grabbed the closest one to the end and tried to finish more quickly than last time. But, there just wasn’t enough time and the buzzer went off loudly as the next box fell through the hole.
Viktor: Oh, so close! I’m sorry Pat 1 and Pat 2. You have failed to reach the end of our show, but… since it is the holidays. We won’t throw you out like normal.
Viktor presses the button conveniently placed on the new card he is holding and the metal Santa’s eyes light up. It begins walking forward, grabbing the two losers as he passes.
Viktor: Will you be able to complete your round and make it to the end, or will we be keeping all of our prizes?! Find out after these words from our sponsor!
____________________________________________
The screen changes to a man wearing a suit and standing with his hands behind him and a white backdrop.
Mystery Man: Hello, I’m Tom Witton of Tom’s fishing bait surplus store. There are many great ponds, lakes, beaches, oceans, puddles, waterfalls, and other form of great water in your local Nirvani. So, I think that you should make a trip out from that little Podunk place and come stop by my store. I have bait for all types of fish. So, come and get some.
___________________________________________
Viktor: Welcome back, folks! Okay, team three! Who will be the brains?!
Greg: Me.
Viktor: Greg, In the Netherlands, what is the name of Santa Claus’s helper who judges which children were bad during the year?
Greg: That’s easy. Black Peter.
Viktor: Wow, we didn’t think anyone would get that!
Greg: …
Viktor: … Soooooo, Melissa! Follow meeeeeee!
Viktor, once again, spins and makes his way over to the right stage which holds a giant Christmas tree.
Viktor: Melissa, you will have to climb up the tree and place this star on the very top!
Melissa: Okay, sounds good.
Viktor: Three… two… one… GO!!!
Melissa took off and began climbing the tree with the star tucked under her arm. She climbed very quickly and with mostly ease, only stopping to readjust the star and be sure it wasn’t falling. She made it all the way to the top, placed it on and made her way back down, all in the appropriate amount of time.
Viktor: Wow, Melissa! I had no idea that you were both going to be the winners, I really had my money set on the two Pats. But, y’know, hey! You won! Congratulations! Melissa and Greg, you have the option of Cake or DEAAAAATH! Keep in mind that you have already won…
Ominous voice: A trip by an amusement park of your choice!
Melissa: Oh, Greg! I’ve never been to an amusement park! Let’s take the trip!
Greg: If that’s what you want…
Viktor: It looks like our team has chosen the trip! Tell them a little more about the trip, Mr. Ominous voice!
Ominous voice: You got it, Viktor! The trip that you have won is two economy plane tickets over the amusement park of your choice! Where you can smile down on everyone having all the fun that you could be having! If it were me, I’d pick Cedar Point. But, that’s just me!
Viktor: Oh, I definitely agree! Although, I’m from Pennsylvania, so I’m partial to Hershey Park!
Melissa: Wait. What?! Are you telling me we don’t even get to go to theme park?!
Ominous voice: That is correct.
Melissa: So I worked so hard to get to the top of that BEEEEEEP tree for nothing?!
Viktor: Also correct. (Melissa can be heard screaming in the background) Well, folks. There you have it. Another wonderful conclusion of CAKE OR DEAAAATH! I’m Viktor Anderwold, wishing you a Merry Christmas, Happy Stocking Day, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, and a Happy New Year, too! Good night everybody!
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Zemblanity Insomnia Captain
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Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2011 8:24 pm
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▒▐██▄█▌ ▀░░▀ ▀▀▀░░▒▐█░░░░▒█▌ ▀░▀ ▀░▀▀ ▀░▀▀ ▀ ▀░▀ ▀▀▀░ ▀▀▀ ▒▀░░▒▐██▄█▌ ▀░░▀ ▀▀▀░░▒▐█▄█ ░▀░ ▀░░░▀ ▀░░░▀ ▀░▀░░▀░▀ ▀░░▀ ▀▀░░░░▀░ ▀░░▀ ▀▀▀▒█▒█▒█▒▐█░░░░▒█▌ ░▀░ ▀░▀▀ ▀▀░ ▀▀▀ ▀░▀▀▒█ Veronica: Ah, yes. The old mite filled janitor of the hospital had said it: it’s not everybody who would be happy by the news. The Von Chesters, for example were only even more execrable. Nothing could have been worst for them, or at least, this was what they thought at that moment… well, all of the but their brainless daughter Chantalle .Ah, I hate them so! The only thing I hate more than the Von Chesters family, it’s the Von Chester family with their dim-witted daughter, Chantalle. Oh, be sure to understand me well, I also hate her twin sister, Chantelle, but at least, that one is not a complete idiot. Ah! Talking about idiots, the next one to knew about the news were the member of the religious community of the parish….
The screen fades to black. When it comes back on, they are inside the rectory. Three people are standing around a desk, the octogenarians Father Gregorio Gregory and the nun Helena Hoxford, as well as a woman wearing a business suit, a pony tale and a severe expression on her face. This was none other than the powerful and ruthless lawyer Ashley Authorn.
Gregorio: It’s impossible! I do not belive it!
Helena: This can’t be happening!
Gregorio: Of course it can happen!
Helena: Then… it means that it is possible!
Gregorio: Of course not!
Helena: But of course! You said it yourself, you moron!
Gregorio: Old crone!
Helena: Old fosil!
Gregorio: What are you waiting for to die, exactly!?
Helena: That you have cancer, simply enough!
Gregorio: Not before that you have a dementioa! That way you wouldn’t be able to enjoy it!
Ashley: Oh, hey! Enough with the death wishes! You forgot about me or what?
Gregorio: Not at all. We were simply ignoring you. There’s a difference.
Helena: In the hopes that you would leave, you see.
Gregorio: It’s as simple as that.
Helena: Well, it’s not that simple.
Gregorio: Yes, it is.
Helena: No, it’s not.
Gregorio: I said yes.
Helena: And I said no.
Gregorio: Yes!
Helena: No!
Ashley: SHUT UP ALREADY!!!!
Helena: Alright! Goodness! Don’t scream!
Gregorio: Some respect, please! We’re in a church!
Ashley: But…but.. it’s you that… but...
Helena: A holy place!
Gregorio: Very Holy!
Helena: Extremely Holy!
Gregorio: Extraordinarily Ho-
Ashley: SO. Like I was saying before that goddamned phone rang and you started to try to kill each other…
Helena: Killing each other? Never!
Gregorio: She’ll die way before me!
Ashley: … That family is suing you for professional fault, psychological damage, and defamation for the total sum of two millions dollars. Unless, of course, that you chose to officialise the wedding between their two daughters to their respective fiancé and that –
Helena: Never! This wedding will never happen!
Gregorio: And with just cause! This shall never happen!
Ashley: We will then see each other in court then…. Good bye and have a nice evening. I hope you’ll both still be alive by the trial’s date… I kind of doubt it.
Ashley gets up and walks out of the room. As she closes the door behind her, a small statue of the Virgin Mary break against it after being thrown by Helena. Both the priest and nun sits down and sigh heavily. The Screen fades to black and the credits starts rolling.
...
...
...
In the next episode of: One Marriage, One Coma and One... Murder.
Filibert: Matilda...
Matilda: Yes, Filibert?
Filibert: I love you, Matilda.
Matilda: Oh, I love you to Filibert.
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Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2011 8:52 pm
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░▒▄█▄░ ▀░▀ ▀▀▀░░░▒▀▄▀▒▀▄▀░ ▀▀▀ ▀░▀ ░▀░ ▀░▀ ▀▀▀ ▀░▀▀ Pink lip gloss, bright, empty eyes, and a style all her own – it's Misha Longoria with the Weather!
“GOOOOD MORNING, YOU GUYS!!” A hand waves enthusiastically to the camera as per usual, Misha standing in front of the Weather Board, which still was covered in snowflakes from the last report. The hand drops and she turns slightly to the board, still facing the camera to show her cute face to the audience~ ♥ “So, I KNOW this like is gonna SUCK to hear.. But, you see the board? You see how it STILL has those snowflakes? Well, you guys, that means it's, like, STILL snowing!!! Isn't that just SO boring?! I mean, how much snow can those little clouds hold? I'm so over it and I bet you all are too! I just CAN'T wait until Spring comes around – we SO need to be able to break from these stuffy coats and get some sun up here! But, like, no changing it! The weather won't cooperate with me no matter HOW hard I try! Ugh, anyway, so, like, we're gonna have to just handle it! Maybe a snow day can come from this and we can have a nice day off, you guys? ..I don't know. But, enjoy your snow! BYE, BYE!” Misha smiles and waves again just as the screen goes black.
Nirvani Island's weather will continue to be Snowy until further updates.
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High-functioning Marshmallow
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Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2011 3:59 pm
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The soothing tones of the narrator begin as a series of logos are displayed on the screen. The title is crammed up at the top of the screen in tiny characters. Maybe they should have picked a shorter title afterall.
Narrator: A Comprehensive History of Nirvani is brought to you by the following sponsors. We thank you for your continued patronage.
The logos disappear and the title of the program appears across the screen, an aerial shot of Nirvani Island in the background. After the short theme song finishes its four bars of melody, the view switches to an image of the Sonata mansion. The narrator begins to speak again, already lulling the viewer with his deep, gentle voice, much like a parent reading a storybook to a child. As he speaks, images transition across the screen, illustrating what the narrator is saying.
Narrator: The Sonata Mansion is undeniably a perfect representation of the spirit of Nirvani. Nowadays, it houses the mayor and her family, but how did it get this way? On today's episode, we will show you around the grounds and discuss the mansion over the years.
The Sonata's first came to Nirvani three thousand years ago, where they found the lovely beaches, meadows, and forests to be a perfect refuge from the oppression of the Roman Empire. Our sources say that the local folklore depicts the early Sonata's coming to the island on the backs of dragons. Any traces of the early settlers and their dragons have been swept away over the years, unfortunately. These Sonata's promptly built a massive castle in the center of the island. There, they lived and prospered for generations upon generations. It wasn't until the American Revolution that they considered moving on to other things. Upon hearing of the conflict, many of the brave Sonata's decided to join the war effort. Some joined the British side, some aided the Americans, and a surprisingly large number of them ended up in Canada, wandering around Newfoundland with no idea where they were. Some were more helpful than others, but our Sonata expert agrees that without them, the Americans surely would have lost.
It was an icy winter that year, on both sides of the Atlantic, and the Sonata's were unable to make it back to Nirvani in time to save their castle from melting due to the acid rain that often plagued the island in those days. The castle disintegrated, leaving not a single stone or brick. And so the Sonata's went on to other things, cultivating their wealth and pursuing careers as radio program personalities. This isn't to say that the island was abandoned. Thanks to the extremely moving -- albeit underrated -- bravery of Colonel Jebidiah Sonata, the place of his birth became quite popular amongst the Americans, the British, and for some inexplicable reason, the Dutch. People flocked to the island, settling there and taking Nirvani as their own. And so they lived there until the great storm decimated the island and forced most of the residents back to the mainland.
When the great Gaston Sonata took the island as his own, he wasted no time in building the magnificent Sonata mansion where his ancestors' castle once stood. The grand home is the center of Nirvani, giving the residents multiple chances throughout the day to admire its beauty. How ironic it is that such a lovely building could also be so deadly.
The Sonata Mansion is perhaps most famous for the Masquerade, one of the bloodiest moments of Nirvani history. What began as a harmless masquerade soon turned to a nightmare as a wild lynx was set free in the crowded hall. Several civilians perished as a result. Despite this black smudge in its history, the mansion continues to be a place of hope and radiance. It represents all that Nirvani is and what it can be. Unfortunately, tours are not offered at this time.
The title and the theme song play again, the credits quickly zooming across the screen. It finishes off with the logos of the sponsors once more, and the the screen goes black.
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Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2011 6:31 pm
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A white room, with a woman in a scientist coat, wearing latex gloves, and wide glasses inside a pretty big air bubble is fidgeting with a microphone.
Doctor Lucy: Oh dear… is this thing on? ! Joseph do not touch it! It has germs!! Don’t! Oh goddammit now we have to amputate your arm! What? What do you mean we are live?
Cameraman Joey: I mean everyone's watching you...
Doctor Lucy: Oh! Well... My sincerest apologies Nirvanians! This is Quarantine Wednesday and I am Doctor Lucy! If you thought you would enjoy the holidays well you’re dead wrong. Or just dead.
--Cue dramatic alarm--
Doctor Lucy: We’ve been alerted of a severe epidemic going around Nirvani and it must be stopped urgently! There is no telling what could-
Cameraman Joey: Lucy it’s just a cold.
Doctor Lucy: It is NOT just a cold! Acute viral rhinopharyngitis is NOT just a cold! It is a destructive viral that tears down your immune system with such force you won’t even be able to defend yourself! It’s such a destructive thing it could end up as pneumonia so don’t dare you insinuate it is. JUST. A. COLD.
Cameraman Joey: Lucy… Just breathe...
Doctor Lucy: Shut up Joseph. Just thank whatever deity you pray to that you’re not infected. No, the poor souls that are infected with such a vile disease are none other than Yue Li, Miah Bernadetto, Usagi Yoshiko, Ed Triggs, Brian Roman, Isaiah Winters.
--Cue dramatic alarm--
Doctor Lucy: Yue Li, a meager student that brings only diseases to the island. Miah Bernadetto, another one that only carries diseases around. Usagi Yoshiko, she works with plants and dirt! Of course she carries diseases! Ed Triggs, living in a library with all those particles of soils in texts what did you expect!? Brian Roman, another child... and you wonder why we're all in risks of diseases. Isaiah Winters, newcomers... who knows what they bring to the island!? YOU are all a destructive factor in the population. You are all to be quarantined in the clinic for the next two weeks! If by any chance you are out and about you will be shot and burned to be rid of those germs.
Cameraman Joey: Doctor Lucy!
Doctor Lucy: THEY SHOULD BE ALL QUARANTINED!!! THE GERMS ARE EVERYWHERE!!! EVERYWHERE I TELL YOU!
--Cue dramatic alarm--
Cameraman Joey: Oh crap who put that button in there with her? Cut cut!
Voice-Recording: Thank you for tuning in at Quarantine Wednesday! Please take the proper precautions for the rampant disease and join us two weeks from now to learn what is plaguing Nirvani. Have a nice day.
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High-functioning Marshmallow
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Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2011 12:25 am
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A spunky beat plays on the screen as various clips of our very own Misha Longaria talking to various people in her plush, velvety soft chair. Oh, yes, this stylish girl is back to you again in – The Long, Long Talk Show! For all the REAL news! ♥
Misha : HAAAPPPY STOCKING DAY, YOU GUYS! Now, I knooow you guys are probably saying, “MIIISSHAAA! Stocking day is OVER!” WELL, you know what I say in response to that? This show is pre-recorded and it IS Stocking Day, like, RIGHT NOW and the producers were so mean and stupid and made me go on the air ANYWAY when they should be showing some, like, Christmas special instead – a-ah, I mean, tee-hee~ It's time for Misha's show and I know you guys would be SO disappointed if I wasn't here to say hi to you! Now, today, we're going to have our favorite gossip episode! For the REAL news on the streets! Did we already say that? Oh, well! So, let's see who we've been looking at this week!
Big bubble letters of silver and blue flash across the screen, spelling out On the STREETS.
Misha : So, ANYWAY, you guys, guess who we have first? Our sweetest housewife – Amanda O'Ballivan! Like, I KNOW, right? She's practically an updated TALNA! Look at her! Sweet, down to earth, and SO much better dressed – plus, her little boy is to die for! Do we have a picture of him? O-M-G SHOW IT NOW!
The screen shifts to an image of Brody O'Ballivan at school.
Misha : Do you SEE that little munchkin? Isn't he SO CUTE? I know! I almost want a baby just looking at him! Oh, AHH~!! I can't wait~!!! ..Oh, but I hope I don't turn into a wife like Amanda, her little cutie aside! I heard, you guys, and we have like STORIES saying that she's the type to like them YOUNG. Like, REALLY young. Like Quentin Alvey-LeBlanc young!! Now, I know you guys are probably going to say something SILLY like how he's graduated from school and isn't THAT young, really, if you look at the population – he's probably older than me! ♥
Jess : But –
Misha : OLDER THAN ME.
Jess : ...
Misha : Teehee~ ♥ Anyway, our sources said that Amanda is SO in deep with Quentin that they, like, had DINNER. Together. In her HOUSE. My gawd! Isn't that so horrible?! What if she's cheating on her hunk of a man? On TATE? Of all men, Amanda, TATE? He's like a sex GOD! Has anyone seen him shirtless? Well, if you haven't yet, I say hop onto your computers and go to our website, my show's section, and LOOK AT THE GALLERY. I have SUCH a hot picture for you guys to look at! That man is sex on legs and I can't UNDERSTAND why anyone would cheat on him with someone like QU- ..well.. No, I don't get it! You guys are going to have to tell me what's so special about him! I mean, he's OKAY, but he's so CONFUSING. And I bet boring too! He spends ALL his time in the library with his friends and, like, no girls. None. What is wrong – oh? OHO! It looks like we're about to cover that, you guys!
'Cause Quentin Alvey-LeBlanc is TOTALLY our next target! This teenage boy has basically taken our female population by STORM – not that I'm included! Quentin's, like, a smart kid or something and he's kinda attractive, but that's it? ..Anyway, so, he spends his time in the library – SO BORING – and is seen USUALLY with his friends, Morgan Marlowe and Ed Triggs – or we guess those are his friends; he's so stone-faced (booorriiiing) that it's hard to tell! Anyway, we have sources who say he could be gay and.. Jeez, another closet gay, you guys? I think we need something more unique than that! (/rolleyes) I'm not even touching this one – cut my pay if you want! Let's talk about someone more – oh! Like his BROTHER! Ah! John Alvey-LeBlanc – who also has like a hawt maybe a little illegal pic on our website, so check it out – is the twin brother – or.. we think.. I dunno, he's the same age as Quentin? But, anyway, he's hot, still in school like NORMAL teens, and he's cute too! I don't know if he's GAY or something, but he hangs around some flamboyant guys? So.. maybe? Um, what were we doing again?
...Oh, oh, right, right! Okay, like, let's get back onto gossip! Umm.. what else did we have..? Talia Valhal looks like our next slut, Christopher Caldwell maay be secretly making hybrid rabbit/rat combos, Isaiah Winters is maybe kidnapped by some serial killer or just lost in the woods, Ether Salvador was, like, ripped apart on Design Disasters and aims to kill Judgemental Sue – OH NUUUU! ...Okay, like, this is SO not worth it – can I just go home? It's STOCKING DAY, you guys! Please? …......….YAY! Okay, okay, so looks like we have ONE last segment and then we can go and.. and you guys should, like, totally just go watch some Stocking Day specials, go to the church, WHATEVER, I'm gonna check my stockings~ ♥
But, first..
Big bubble letters of green and yellow flash across the screen, spelling out ON THE POLLS.
Misha : Last gossip day, we asked what YOU GUYS thought about Reed and his secret girlfriend! Now, I think it's Rune, to be honest, but YOU guys said – by like a BIG landslide.... ….....A GOAT! ..Wait, what? That doesn't make any sense! I mean, like, a goat can be white, but the shape was obviously human and.. uh. Um, so, I.. guess you guys must know something I don't? Oh, well, it looks like everyone thinks Reed is in love with a goat! Let's just hope the farmers all keep a close eye on theirs or we may have some realllly weird kids running around next generation! Now, BYE! SHOO! I wanna go hoo-!
The camera cuts to the credits in the middle of Misha's whine, concluding this episode of THE LONG, LONG TALK SHOW!
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Posted: Sat Dec 24, 2011 11:51 am
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A darklit stage can be seen with a lone person standing in the middle. Bright blue lights turn on to reveal the face of the wonderfully handsome Viktor Anderwold, wearing a hideous Christmas sweater and wearing a Santa hat. He smiled, holding the microphone with a less than happy look on his face.
Viktor: I can’t believe that we have to work on Christmas Eve. I need to get home to my family! Oh, we’re on? Welcome to CAKE OR DEAAATH! Where we work our hosts too hard and don’t let anyone spend time with what matters most! Today we only have two teams because the third team got irate when we told them the date and refused to come. Which is kind of like I want to do right now, but I need this job. So, let’s meet our two teams. Team one is a couple from Rhode Island, Tamara and Jacob. Our second team is a brother-sister team from Massachusetts, Lilian and Toby. So, without further ado let’s get started!
Ominous voice: Don’t we normally let the contestants say something, Viktor?
Viktor: Not on Christmas Eve, we don’t! Okay folks, we’re going to do this differently tonight. I’m going to say the question and whoever knows it is just going to scream it. From either team, I don’t care who you are. Let’s do this. First question. What is the only rock that can float?
Jacob: PUMICE!
Viktor: Correct! Sorry team two, you’re out.
Viktor pressed the button on the back of his card and the two fell through the floor, their screams muffled by the loud sounds of machinery down below.
Viktor: Good job, Jacob. Now Tamara will have to do the challenge. You must get on this pogo stick (throws her a pogo stick) and hop from platform to platform until you get to the top. Once you reach the top, grab the golden statue of the goddess and hop back down here to throw it into this tote over here. Oh, and there are sharks jumping at you. Good luck.
Tamara: Whaaaaaat?!
Tamara was pretty terrified, but her husband helped her onto the pogo stick and she began her first few practice hops and then finally ascended to the first platform. She couldn’t help but look down at the first spot. All she could see was dark water and her face showed the fear that was escalading. She jumped to the next platform, seemingly holding her breath the entire way. The next platform was almost missed, but she made it and was facing down the last platform. She was hopping in place as slowly as possible, trying to gain her breath and composure back. She took one last deep breath and jumped for it. The camera switches to slow motion watching her leap through the air and miss the platform by inches. All that can be heard are her screams as she fell into the darkness.
Vikto: OHHHHHH! So close. Sorry Jacob. Looks like you’re going home with nothing! Not even your wife! (checks watch) And it looks like I still have enough time to get home to mine for our annual opening of the stockings with our wonderful children. Thank you all for tuning in once again. This is Viktor Anderwold wishing you all a Happy Holidays!
Viktor rushed offstage and the camera zooms in on Jacob’s crying face as it fades to black.
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Zemblanity Insomnia Captain
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Posted: Sun Dec 25, 2011 5:48 pm
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Veronica: Ah, of course, what Ashley didn’t knew what that she would know soon enough before other people knew! After all, she will be there too, when that event will take place… in that famous hospital room on the night of the 26th of October. First, by business, then later, by pure evil pleasure… But first, the news were going to disturb another family. As dysfunctional as the Von Chesters? Well, it’s up to you to see….
The screen fades to black and opens on Matilda and her son William sitting in a large living room looking as nice and proper as posh people can look.
William: Mother? Someone on the phone for you.
Matilda: Ah, yes, my beloved son? But who could be calling here in such a late hour?
William: I fear that I know not the answer to this question, mother. However, it seems to be of a great importance.
Matilda: Oh, really? Well, then, son! Please pass it to me.
William: Right now, mother.
Matilda: Hello? Matilda here. I’m listening. Oh! Ashley! But what have I done to deserve the wonderful surprise of your call? Yes? Yes? Oh, goodness! Is it really true? Who would have thought! Yes…yes, I understand. No, my husband didn’t tell me about it… A second, I’ll go make sure. William?
William: Yes, mother?
Matilda: Is Filibert back from the hospital?
William: No mother, I do not believe so.
Matilda: No, Ashley. I do not believe so.
William: His Porsche isn’t in the garage.
Matilda: His car isn’t in the garage, Ashley.
William: He must still be at the hospital.
Matilda: I belive he is still at the hospital, Ashley.
William: It’s possible.
Matilda: Very possible…. Ah, yes. I understand Ashley! Goodbye.
William: Ah! Mother! I see the car of your husband pulling in the driveway.
Matilda: Ah! Wonderful! Filibert! Here you are at last!
Filibert: Yes, my love. I am back.
Matilda: How I miss, my beautiful.
Filibert: Same for me, my sweet.
Matilda: I love you Filibert.
Filibert: I love you too, Matilda.
William I am going to my room…
Filibert: My love, you will never guess what happened at the hospital today!
Matilda: Actually, I do know!
Filibert: How did you know? I didn’t know you knew, if only I knew I wouldn’t have asked you if you knew because I would have known that you knew.
Matilda: It’s Ashley who told me.
Filibert: Ah, I see.
Matilda: Indeed.
Filibert: But…
Matilda: Yes?
Filibert: Who is that Asley?
Matilda: Ashley Athorn, my friend, the lawyer of your ex-wife, Clarice Von Chester’s children
Filibert: Ah! Of course! And it’s the Von Chester who told her.
Matilda: Ah, no. At all.
Filibert: No?
Matilda: If I’m telling you.
Filibert: you are telling me..
Matilda: I am; telling you.
Filibert: Then, how?
Matilda: She learned it from Gregorio Gregory
Filibert: I see.
Matilda: Indeed.
Filibert: But…
Matilda: Yes?
Filibert: Who’s that Gregorio Gregory?
Matilda: The Priest.
Filibert: Ah! Of course!
Matilda: Of course.
Filibert: Who learned it from the Von Chester.
Matilda: Oh, no. At all.
Filibert: No?
Matilda: If I’m telling you.
Filibert: You are telling me.
Matilda: I am; telling you.
Filibert: Then, how?
Matilda: It’s Helena who told him.
Filibert: Ah, I see… but..
Matilda: Yes?
Filibert: Who is that Helena?
Matilda: But! Helena Hoxford! The Sister!
Filibert: Ahh, of course, of course…. Who’s sister?
Matilda: But of no one!
Filibert: But, how can you be no one’s sister?
Matilda: By being a sister of God!
Filibert: Ah, I see.
Matilda: OH NO.
Filibert: No? No what?
Matilda: You are not going to ask me that!
Filibert: Ask you what?
Matilda: Ask me who God is!
Filibert: But, darling! I know who God is!
Matilda: No, you don’t.
Filibert: No?
Matilda: If I’m telling you.
Filibert: You are telling me.
Matilda: I am; telling you.
Filibert: But…
Matilda: What now?
Filibert: This Helena…
Matilda: Yes?
Filibert: She learned it from the Von Chester?
Matilda: Ah, no. At all.
Filibert: No?
Matilda: If I’m telling you.
Filibert: You are telling me.
Matilda: I am; telling you.
Filibert: Then how?
Matilda: Someone gave her a phone call!
Filibert: A phonecall? Where can one get one of those?
Matilda: Ah, I don’t know! I don’t know everything! Stop bothering me with all your questions!
Filibert: Matilda…
Matilda: What, now?
Filibert: I love you Matilda.
Matilda: Awe. I love you too, Filibert.
Screen fades to black. It’s the same dark room as in the beginning of the episode. The same woman Is still sitting in the dark.
Veronica: And it is like that, in the evening of the 26th of October that the news went across the whole city. In less than two hours, all the important persons had learned of it. Some were more happy than others, like you could see. It only took another hour before we all got into the hospital room together. Ah, yes… I was there too… How did I learn about it? Well, it’s not of your darn businesses. But trust me, I would have prefer to never learn of it. Not to belong there…. I would have loved to not be part of that story… Oh well, too late for that now. I was there, nothing I can do about it. What else can I do but to tell you the whole story? Ah, yes… I will tell you everything that happened in the story. I will tell you about the wedding… the coma… and…
The murder.
The screen fades to black as the theme music plays and the credits roll.
…
…
….
In the next epidosode~
Clarice: It was a lime.
Cyril: A green lemon.
Clarice: It’s the lemon that’s a yellow lime.
Cyril:Yellow like your teeth.
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Posted: Mon Dec 26, 2011 1:08 am
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Nirvani Island's weather is apparently to be A Snowstorm until further updates.
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High-functioning Marshmallow
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High-functioning Marshmallow
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Posted: Mon Jan 02, 2012 11:26 am
▒█▀█▀█ █░░ █▀▀░░▒█░░░▄░░▒█ █▀▀ ▄▀▄ ▀█▀ █░░ █▀▀ █▀▀▄
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“HEY, YOU GUYS!” Dressed in a bright, shiny pink raincoat, Misha waved her hands repeatedly at the camera before settling down. Behind her, a map of Nirvani Island was covered in snowflakes – so much it was hard to see the map beneath it! “Did you guys SEE that snowstorm last week?! Like, O-M-G! It was HORRIBLE! It's like, seriously, what a way to end the year!! I couldn't leave the room or, like, ANYTHING! It was SO BAD. I just had hot cocoa and.. O-M-G, you guys won't believe it – I READ. I mean, it was, like, a magazine, but, you know, it wasn't about anything cool! I was so outdated that week! I couldn't get anything new, so I read this stupid article in some history thing about, like, stuff. Did you guys know that pandas are going extinct? It's SO SAD! I cried ALL day! They're, like, SO CUTE – why would they leave?? I don't get it! ..But, like, anyway! You guys must have missed me lots and I missed you guys TOO! Now, for the new weather!” She swiped a hand over the map, throwing off the snowflakes happily, “No more snow, obviously, because, it's, like, spring! Instead, we have..” She slapped a few, oversized rain drops on it instead! “..RAIN! That's why I'm in this coat, silly! It's, like, not that much, but it's enough to make everything all drizzly and wet and raincoat worthy! Anyway, that's it! So, BYE! Get your umbrella out and, hooray!! It's SPRING~! ♥”
Nirvani Island's weather is apparently to be A Light Rain until further updates.
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Posted: Tue Jan 10, 2012 5:21 am
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░▒▄█▄░ ▀░▀ ▀▀▀░░▒██░▒██▌ ▀▀▀ ░▀░▀░ ▀▀░ Sitting behind a large desk is Neil G. Murrow, ready for the monthly news of the island! Serious face, slightly crazy eyes and an out of style tie!
Welcome to your local news! This is Neil G. Murrow, reporter extraordinaire talking to you! First, I would like to wish you all a happy new year and I hope that this year will not be the year in which you die! And if it is, then I hope it'll be a violent death that will make the news! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! I am so funny. Don't you think so? I think I am, but Misha don't think so. Oh well, I don't think she should have a yearly raise either! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! I said that because I'm the one who writes her paycheck and because she doesn't think I,m funny, I'm not going to give her a raise and... Oh, right, the news. Ahem.
As the lot of you have noticed, outside is spring! The snow melted and flowers and crops are starting to grow again! You can expect a lot of sunshine and rain for this season. No snow in spring and hurricanes aren't all that current in this season. This is the perfect time to go outside and play. They have been rumours of a panda beer appearing on top of the mountain, so you might all want to check it out.
Other things you can do in spring is join the Cooking Festival at the town square. Like every year, a price of money and grocery coupons will be given. This year's judges will be our Mayor Donatella, ready to find a next meal to add to her food empire, but she won't take anything that isn't of superior quality and skills. Joining her on the judge panel will be the lovely Alanis LeBlanc, known for being lovely and randomly bursting into songs. We would like to remind you all that Alanis won first place in the cooking festival more than 6 times already! The other six time she didn't win going to Talna Turner and her turnips. We all remember Alanis' signature dish, the Turtle Soup, which became the island official meal after earning a more than perfect score of 33pts on 30! Will anyone of you be able to create a dish even more lovely? This year guess judge will be Tate O'Ballivan. Ladies, this is your chance to impress him! Like always, the theme is secret and will only be revealed at the last minutes.
Later on in the season will be the Goddess Festival. Please all gather at night at the town square to praise the island's protector, talk and dance! Who will be selected as the Harvest Goddess and King this year? The votes are still up, but it would seem like the favourite this year are Eva Baumgartner and newcomer Cole O'Ballivan. Would they form a good couple? Well, you seem to think so! Let's see if they'll win the titles! Or even participate for that matter....
Spring is a busy season when it comes to births! Not only are the livestock busy, but so are we! We count no less than 30 birthdays in spring! Gifts shops will be happy! One of the most important birthday is on Sunday, Spring 29th! Our very own Ferdinando Luna Stella del Sol-Natta is turning 10! The Sonata's family expect lots of presents from everyone and will be throwing a celebration for the boy's birthday! He his making his entry in the two digits age, after all!
This is all there is to report for spring. Please have a nice season!
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Zemblanity Insomnia Captain
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High-functioning Marshmallow
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Posted: Thu Jan 12, 2012 9:07 pm
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A spunky beat plays on the screen as various clips of our very own Misha Longaria talking to various people in her plush, velvety soft chair. Oh, yes, this stylish girl is back to you again in – The Long, Long Talk Show! For all the REAL news! ♥
Misha: HELLLLOOO!!! I bet you guys missed me like, SUPER, last Monday, yeah? Well! Because I got soooo many complaints about it – and because I feel, like, SUPER bad too! – I'm going to start todays show with a BIIIG apology!! I mean, so, like, Monday? I was all prepared to go do it and stuff, but, then, like, I had this TOTALLY cool idea to do it LIVE. Like, I knooow we normally do it live here, but I mean, like, SERIOUS LIVE. Those cool action reporters, you know?! The ones who go out and do, like, REAL news – on the STREETS! ♥ So I was going to tell you all the weather on the streets of Sonata Town, but, then, like, BRYAN dropped the camera! And we were all, 'Oh nuuuu!!!' because that meant we would have to get a new one and those things are like SO expensive and I KNEW that Neil would just take it out of my pay because – * ahem * I mean, um, so, like, yeah. It took a few days and it had to be cancelled. But, to make up for it, we're going to squeeze it into today's show! Okay? OKAY! SOOO.. Um. I don't have the, like, Super-spectacular-fantastic Weather Board todaaaay... BUT, I can tell you all that this week is going to keep raining lightly! ..So, um.. yeah.. GAWD, this is like SO WEIRD. I can't believe I don't have any cute sparkley raindrops to show thaaat! This is SO not cool.. Ugh. But, um. Hold up – Jeeeerrrry? Baaaaby~?
Jerry: Yeah?
Misha: Do you, like, have some kind of – ?
Jerry: Yessirree, Ms. Longaria!
Misha: YAAAAY! Okay! Reel it, Jerry!
The screen flashes from Misha on her usual chair to a clip of the streets of Nirvani – specifically, the section connecting the Public Garden to the Town Square. A Light Shower of rain continues to fall and moisten the area.
Misha: O-M-G!!! That is SO, like, WET! I mean, look at how wet that daisy is~? Omigawd I LOVE daisies!! ♥ Well, anyway, YEAH! It's wet and rainy and let's get back to the talk show, 'kay? OKAY! Today we have a SPECIAL guest – well, not reaaallly, but we needed to have SOMEONE and we didn't have much time left if we had to do the weather report too, so, like, um.. yeah, anyways, LILIA SONATA!!
Lilia enters from the left, not looking very pleased despite the exuberant clapping.
Lilia: Hmph.
Misha: We're, like, SO excited you're on the show, Lily – can I call you –
Lilia: No.
Misha: ...Ooookaay.. Ms. Sonata.. Um, so, anyway, we understand you want to say.. um, like, something before we close this up?
Lilia: Yes, I DO. I'm very displeased, Misha, and you want to know why?
Misha: Bec –
Lilia: WHY did they announce that snotty Ferdinando's birthday and NOT mine?! I'm turning THIRTEEN soon! THIRTEEN! I'm going to be an ADULT and they don't CARE enough to mention ME? I'm the important one! Ferdinando is just some annoying little brat who I can't believe is even apart of the family – his mother was a dirty peasant. Shinju is so gross and old.. Ugh, I can't even go anywhere in the house that she's been in until it's been bleached TWICE because of her stupid peasant smell! This isn't fair! My birthday is going to be bigger and better and EVERYONE better go or else I'll –
The screen abruptly swaps to an image of a mouse as a relaxing tune plays. A few minutes later and the screen goes back, a chair or two overturned, the papers on Misha's side table strewn on the floor, and a stressed, but still peppy Misha alone on the set.
Misha: I'm, like, SO sorry for that – but, um, anyway! So, like, that was fun! She's so nice isn't she? I LOVE her hair! Lilia is going to grow up to be a beautiful, sophisticated woman! Yeah.. Um, so, let's go to our Polls! Last time, I wanted to see what you guys thought about Quentin Alvey-LeBlanc because I didn't get it and – oh! It looks like a tie! ♥ Half of you guys said it was his brain – uhm, SERIOUSLY? What is so – ? Ugh, you guys are, just, like, MEGA weird. I'm sorry, but brains? * rolls eye * That is SO stupid. But, each their own, I guess. The other half said – ummmmm... Um. Um, am I..? Can I say this on..? I mean, like, I don't – umm.. Well, I guess.. You guys.. thought his.. um.. Pe.. Er, hotdog was.. what was Adonis – Oh, gawd, I'm sorry. Can.. can we just.. go to credits or something? I don't know what to say and this is like SOO awkward..
The credits roll on by sympathetically as a perplexed and embarrassed Misha waves at the screen. Until next time!
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