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 Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2011 5:04 pm
± : . : ± : . : ± : . : ±Personal Information± : . : ± : . : ± : . : ±
❉Full Name: Velgar Tocoitchi
❉Nickname:Vel
❉Gender: Male
❉Age:312 appears 30
❉Orientation:Bisexual ((…straight, gay, bi, ect…))
❉Personality: Velgar is a very Happy-go-lucky person. often times as not some might find him napping instead of training, however, when it comes right down to it, when his Clan, his home,needed him, He would be the first on the battlefield line, ready to defend his home even if it costs him his life.
❉Quote
± : . : ± : . : ± : . : ±Appearance Information± : . : ± : . : ± : . : ±
❉Eyes:Hazel unless he is in Bankai then they are purple in color
❉Hair Length:eight to nine inches all around and styled like picture((…down and pulled back…))
❉Hair Color:black
❉Height:6'3
❉Weight:220
❉Marking(s):Scars riddle his upper torso
± : . : ± : . : ± : . : ±Shinigami Information± : . : ± : . : ± : . : ±
❉Division:13 ( Thread said this was open)
❉Rank:Captain
❉Reiatsu Color razz urple
❉Fighting Style:Up close and personal during both sealed and Shikai modes, but Electro-maru becomes a medium to long range weapon for Bankai. though before pulling out his sword, he like's to employ Hand to Hand Combat until he calls for his Zanpakuto which comes to him from his Zanpakuto's world.
± : . : ± : . : ± : . : ±Zanpakuto Information± : . : ± : . : ± : . : ±
❉Zanpakuto Name: Electro-Maru
❉Zanpakuto Spirit: A simple seven foot in height Wolf With gray fur and a Japanese symbol for lightning under her left eye (no pic yet sorry)
❉Inner World: A huge snowy field, prone to sudden weather changes
❉Relationship with Spirit: good unless Velgar loses his temper then they cant get along
❉Unreleased form: A seven foot long blade, curved slightly at the tip, with an additional two foot handle, which he wields with a single hand. (same in profile picture up top
❉Release Command: Attack and Confuse!
± : . : ± : . : ± : . : ±Shikai Information± : . : ± : . : ± : . : ±
❉Shikai Appearance:the massive blade splits into Dual Great Swords, identical to his Release, yet a bit shorter
❉Shikai Information:same as above only with electricity swirling around both blades.
❉Shikai Techniques:
✿1. Thunderclap- the swords come together soundly, emiting a strong shockwave that both damages the opponent and pushes him back- Damage: minimum about an eighth of the opponents org. health- Push: moderate distance, about 100 meters.
✿2. Tongetsu- An attack skill, summons three bolts of lightning from the tip of both blades at Velgars opponent. Damage:Moderate about a sixth of the opponents health.
± : . : ± : . : ± : . : ±Bankai Information± : . : ± : . : ± : . : ±
Only available to Captain rank and higher.
❉Bankai Name: Kazeshini Electro-Maru
❉Bankai Appearance: Both blades are raised at the sky to form two huge bolt's of lightning, which can extend and dextend at will, though only at a Length of a minimum of 7 feet and a maximum of one hundred yards
❉Bankai Information:Speed Increase: 6x the speed of shikai
❉Bankai Attacks:
✿1. Lightning Shield: A Barrier of Lightning shields Velgar from some damage, ( can only be used three times and time duration of the skill last's for three posts.)
✿2. Sol Tachibana Tongegetsu: Inhuman like swords burst around the opponents, forcing them into a very close quarters fighting arena. Bolt's of lightning strikes the top of each blade, creating a type of electric fence. Damage if one strikes electric swords: Moderate Time limit: 4-5 Posts
✿3. Dual Toungegetsu: the power level doubles and instead of three bolts they increase to six Damage: High about a third of the current heath.
± : . : ± : . : ± : . : ± Biography± : . : ± : . : ± : . : ±
((Must be filled out!))
❉ This is my story:
Velgar was raised in a Bounda Tribe in the marshlands, a place of desolence. In the tribe there was a single Alpha(Female as to Were-hyena's protocol ) and he watched over the whole land. In Velgars, however, the disorder ran so rampant, that Velgars tribe was cut off to the furthest corner of the marshlands. Velgar was beaten everyday, anytime he stepped in or out of line, they beat him just for pure joy, because he was a Kitsune and they were were-hyenas.
So he started building up his speed and using a heavy blade, was able to run extremely fast, while using such a heavy weapon. Velgar was known as a Bounda, which meant he could change into full human, full animal or a mix between the two, which he called his warrior form. He eventually killed off the kids that beat the hell out of him and was banished to the life of a wanderer at the age of fifteen.
During his long trek though the mountains of Burok, it started raining rather harshly, forcing Velgar to seek refuge in a small cave. It was suprisingly cozy in the small cave and he fell asleep instantly. During the night, the rain stopped, and out of the darkness came a beast of unknown Race. It seemed as pure Darkness. It entered the cave in which Velgar slept soundly.
Growling unmercifully, the Shadow Beast clamped its powerful jaws around Velgars left arm almost tearing it away completely. Velgar awoke from the pain, startled from the beast that stood before him. He had no choice but to retreat, for his weapons were blocked by the Shadow Beast. Velgar fled toward the back of the cave, finding it shrinking and shrinking until it was only possable to crawl. Velgar tried, but his leg was captured by the beast and it started dragging him out. Velgar's arms thrashed about Violently, searching for a sharp stone, anything, when his hand connected with some sort of metal handle. Velgar wasted no time in grabbing ahold of it. A blinding light erupted from the sword, scaring the beast off.
Velgar Bandaged his wounds, not able to use his left arm at all, mabye not ever again. Velgar Examined the blade he found, that saved him from the Shadow Beast, and found it was a Great sword. He lifted it up with his one arm, and could feel warmth flowing though his fingers. He discarded his old blade for this new one, hoping it would serve him better than the other. for the next three years he trained everyday in the mountains until he was ready to continue his journey.
It was when he was 20, is when he discovered the Soul society. He was amazed at the sight of the magnificent structure that stood before him. Not long after he arrived, Hollows invaded the Low rent district, Velgar happened to be staying with an elderly lady at the time, and during the attack she was killed. Velgar claimed fury over his calm personality, and attacked the hollows. Before the Soul Reapers could act upon the situation, Velgar had eliminated the whole clan of hollows. he was accepted into the soul society after that, and attended the Academy .
He was very poor at Bakudo and Hado, so he focused all his time and effort into HoHo and Zanjutsu. he was fair at Hakuda, but not the best, though he favored to use his fists before drawing his sword.
At the age of 25, Velgar became a LT and was sent on a mission to Los Noches. very quickly they were beset by the Espada, and three out of the five were killed, Velgar survived because he was knocked unconsious. when he awoke everyone was dead, and he had to fight three espada by himself
Blood splattered on the desert sand, where Velgar fought Espada #2.
Bleeding from his right forearm, left leg, three different area's of his face and muzzle, and a ripping gash across his chest, Velgar was thrown into a pillar. Grunting, he laid there for a second trying to gain back his strength, only to be kicked into the air by the rank #2 Espada, a hand to hand specialist. In the air he was subjected to merciless punches and kicks, flung back to the Cold desert sand like yesterdays garbage. His spiritual pressure faulted, he felt he was going to die. his eyes started to close and he felt himself drift into unconsiousness.
It was a nice looking field to say the least. Snow, which velgar had never seen before, covered the landscape. the afterlife didn't seem to bad. strange...there was a fog in front of him,he started walking towards it. In the distance, Velgar saw a shape forming, an animal, a dog? hmm' Velgar thought quietly to himself, as he approached the animal. no it was a wolf, a beautiful white wolf with a scar on its cheek. the scar...it was a Japanese character! Lightning. Velgar look at you...your about to die. You haven't even called my true name yet. " i dont know your true name why don't ya tell me?" Baka you know it...its in the depths of your heart...now say it!!! the weather changed suddenly, a storm billowed over the peaceful plain and lightning began striking the ground everywhere. The wolf's persona changed, now angry and snarling at the heavens "say it damnit!!!"
"Ban...Kai." The dual great swords, his Shikai, that he held in his hands began to smoke, just as a storm billowed overhead. lightning started striking all around them, striking at his enemies. The swords, which were both broken, were changing back to their original shapes. Then Velgar held them towards the sky and two bolts of lightning struck each blade, forming two lightning blades. "Kazeshini Electro-maru...."
In all honesty, Velgar did not remember how the rest of the fight went, he just blacked out, awaking several minutes, hours days, hell possibaly years later, surrounded by three dead Espada. Velgar received backup, and was transported back to the soul society for treatment for his wounds.
± : . : ± : . : ± : . : ±Extra Information± : . : ± : . : ± : . : ±
❉Personal Skill:Zanjutsu and HoHo
❉Likes Violence and Romance
❉Dislikes:ignorant people and guys who hit women
❉Hates:Garlic and Espada
❉Theme Song:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSq_nfTs4Ko
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Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2011 5:15 pm
ok the thread for open Captains said that Squad 13 was available, so i am requesting that Squad))
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Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2011 9:11 pm
To make it clear, since it seems it hasn’t either sunk in or been expressly noted, you can apply for a Captaincy but it won’t necessarily mean you will get it. Also, you must have an approved profile before you can apply for a possible Captaincy. You can find the application here, and you need to post the application in that thread.
Beyond that, you may keep your character as an anthropomorphic wolf, kitsune or hyena. However, you need to pick what animal he is and he may not have any super powers, like super strength or other additional powers just because he’s an anthro. He can be strong, but not super powerful, fast but not the fastest or have Shunpo at this time. Please understand, just because he’s part animal does not mean he can have other powers that other humanoid characters don’t have. Sure, keep claws and enhanced smell, but do not make him super powerful on his own. (As in, when he does not have Shikai activated.)
Okay, down to actual parts of your profile.
First, Velgar needs a more thorough description of his personality and I would recommend using our guilds profile skeleton, located in the information sub forum at the top of the guild main forum. Try fleshing him out more and splitting up the run on sentence at the end. How does he act in battle? What kind of people does he like? If he’s happy-go-lucky and calm, how does he react to others? Give him more of a description by asking yourself questions about who he is and how he would react to different situations.
Second, appearance, here in TSRT we require a paragraph or more of a description as to how your character looks. The list and image of him are fine, but please take the time to write out a full description as if you did not have a picture of him and needed to explain his appearance to someone in elementary school. I would personally like to see at least one paragraph with five to six well written sentences or more.
Third, in your Shinigami Information sections, please remove the Captain label because until your profile is “accepted” and you have applied and been authorized to be a Captain, it does not need to be there.
Fourth, your zanpakutou in sealed form I highly suggest that you alter the blade to a manageable size. Most sealed zanpakutou are small for portability and maneuverability and tend to be of eastern origins. Your character is only 6 feet 3 inches but he currently has a sealed sword that is 9 feet long in total. How in the name of all things good does he carry a sword that is almost three feet taller than he is and weights quite a bit. I know it may seem cool to have such a large sword, but not even Ichigo had a sword longer than his body in sealed form. He could still cart it around on his back without it sticking out above his head or dragging the ground.
- As a side note on your inner world and zanpakutou descriptions. I don’t personally care too much that they are short. However, you should improve them with added description and possibly links to pictures if available. Try not to clutter your profile with pictures directly on the profile. We can all take the time to click a link. If you don’t know how to use BBCode to make links, I suggest looking up a tutorial on BBCode for Gaia. It will help you out more then you know in forums.
Fifth, Shikai, I’m sorry but I’m going to make a comment about the name because I have six years of Japanese screaming at me about the name. Electro-maru makes little sense if you’re going for a fully Japanese name. Raimaru means essentially the same thing, but is more proper then using a combination of English and Japanese.
Next, until you have been given express permission by a Crew member, you may not have Shikai or Bankai achieved on your character. We usually show this by putting a red, (Not yet Achieved), or something similar before the sections in a profile until you receive permission. We do this because everyone who comes into the guild is supposed to start as a Shinigami directly out of the Academy or an equivalent in the other races. So, until it is approved, please make those changes. You will be notified if you can have Shikai or are to become a Captain once the applications have been gone over.
Okay, the blades in Shikai are fine. There is no problem in having a released Shikai blade that is of a ridiculous proportion so long as you explain how the character can wield a large weapon like that with any sort of skill or accuracy. Try a little bit or realism, we all appreciate it here. If he wields two giant swords, then he’d need the strength or conditions to do so. However, you need to make sure that the character is appropriately limited as to not be perceived as a godmod. That now leads me into your Shikai techniques. Thunderclap, the technique is fine. However, please explain how the attack damages an opponent and how it causes them to be pushed backwards. A simple shockwave doesn’t cause that sort of effect, so elaborate on how it works. Past that, please note that we don’t have any sort of stat system in the guild, and so your references to an opponent’s original health doesn’t make much sense; we don’t have health bars in TSRT. Saying that the attack causes moderate damage, and the possible effects of being hit by the attack are sufficient. Please understand that even if you describe an attack in your profile as if it always hits, that does not mean that another roleplayer won’t find a way to avoid the hit or negate the effects, so keep that in mind. The same can be said about Tongetsu, you need to describe how fast the lightning bolts are going, if they are fired from the tip of the blades directly or if they move in any specific directions once shot. Understand that the attacks cannot, even though it is electricity, automatically strike an opponent.
On to Bankai, again Japanese is killing me here. Please use Raimaru, and I suggest not using Kazeshini in the name since that is the zanpakutou of Hisagi Shuuhei from the Bleach canon. We do not allow the use of names or abilities associated with canon zanpakutou normally. In the release, please be more specific about the size of the lightning bolts for the transformation. Is it a radius of seven to one hundred meters or not? As for the speed increase, can you give a reasoning as to how he gains six times the speed of Shikai? Mainly because you have no description as to how fast Velgar is in Shikai. Yes, Bankai multiplies the strength of Shikai up to five or ten times what it was, however because we have a number of speed based characters in this guild, a rough estimate of his speed would be very appreciated. Please understand, you can’t just outright say he’s the fastest character. Look at the abilities you have on him and try to make him a balanced character. If he’s average in all of his skills, that’s pretty drab. Say, take away some Kidou and put that strength into physical power or speed.
Bankai techniques, thank you for using number of posts and attack or effect lasts. I saw your profile previously and the way duration was described made little sense. Lightning Shield, please describe the relative size and appearance of what the shield looks like. That will allow you to know where the shield is at in battle along with your opponents so they aren’t left guessing as to how large it is. Also, is Velgar able to attack from within the shield, or when he uses the shield is he prevented from being able to attack while it is in place? Sol Tachibana Tongetsu, first, please describe what an inhuman blade is and what it looks like. Second, although they burst around an opponent, that does not mean they will necessarily be trapped, so please understand you will have cases of people getting out of your trap. Besides that, the way you have the attack described it seems it only works on the ground. I’m not sure if you intend it to work that way, that’s just how I read it. Other than that, please describe the dimensions of the cage and how the lightning strikes from a barrier. Does it have a top? It seems like since there are lightning strikes, then the cage has no roof unless you’re all the way up in the storm clouds or whatever is creating the lightning. As before, please add description as to how opponents are damaged by the cage and the severity of damage, again keeping in mind some opponents will find or have ways to negate the effect. Lastly on Bankai, Dual Tongetsu needs the same description added to it as Tongetsu in Shikai.
Okay, and onto the backstory. Since you do not currently have a Captain character, nor Shikai or Bankai, please remember that the biography of your character needs to reflect that. That being said, there is no tribe of beast people or race in our guild that are Anthropomorphic. Normally the way an anthro is created is when two souls, one human and one animal accidentally merge in the transition into Soul Society. We would very much appreciate it if no new races are added to the guild through a characters biography, because it is unfair to other guild members when they have no clue what the race is and they cannot make a race for themselves. So, if you would remove that aspect from Velgar’s biography it would be appreciated. Next, there is no mention anywhere else in your profile that your character can change form from full human, to half animal to animal. Please choose one and stick with it, or convince me and the Crew through a well written and though out description as to how he can change. Really, if you would like to keep the Anthropomorphic features, I would stick with the half human, half animal form. Finally on your biography, since Velgar is not a Captain and doesn’t have Shikai or Bankai until approved, please remove any reference to him defeating Espada or characters of that power level considering that he is starting out as the equivalent of an Academy graduate.
Now, I must apologize for the long over view and if I’ve sounded harsh at all. I don’t mean to be. However, if you take a look at the current Captain profiles, we expect a certain level of detail and adherence to the Bleach canon along with realism from those people in charge of squads. I went through your profile the way I did because you expressed interest in becoming a Captain and so I needed to provide you with what is expected of a Captain profile. If you have questions please ask.
Also, please don’t quote this message in your profile thread. Just respond below in another post if you need address anything about this critique. I don’t want to clutter your profile thread with quotes of large posts. Thank you.
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