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WWE:E: The Crusade 2011 PPV -
Brantley Summers defeated Chrono Clepsydra, Mike Landry and Phoenixfire in the Triple Cage match to retain the WWE:E Undisputed Championship, after Landry took a free fall dive to save a falling Phoenixfire taking them both out of the match, Chrono seemingly had the match won after putting Brantley through the cage roof only for Yuke to come out and shoot a fireball into Chrono's face allowing for Brantley to crawl out the cage to win.
View match here


Notes:
Despite throwing only one punch, Brantley won the match
For the 2nd year in a row, Yuke has screwed someone out of winning the triple cage match.
Yuke has become a face after turning on Chrono, or is she still a heel.

Back just as promised, Hard News returns and stands and delivers. Something mostly everyone's mothers here are accustomed to..
I digress, Mother's day is coming up so be sure thank your mother for procreating.
Also inform her that she owes me some dough.
Now then on to the news itself.

LWL
I'm starting this week off with LWL, and as I look at it, they should really change it to LOL.
I know they've been anxiously awaiting a Hard News, and even the vice captain instantly invited me to said guild the moment the first edition of Hard News was posted.
He even made and erectile dysfunction joke at my expense, the problem with that is, between him having dicks on the brain and a PPV called 'Personal Problems' for LWL coming up it truly makes one wonder...

So with that being said, LWL doesn't get my mushroom stamp of approval, but the mother of it's Captain, and Vice Captain... That's a different story.

WWFG
Is putting all of the titles on the line, apparently management thought it was a 'good' idea to put the titles on people known to drop in and out of activity.
It wouldn't be a bad idea to do this, if it weren't so close to mania....
But I guess the people at WWFG know what they're doing...
I couldn't even say that line without laughing.

In other news, yours truly will be bringing back the Wrestlemania dance-off, an annual tradition that St. Joey created, until he blew his brains out a few years ago..
I'm sure the FG crew & LWL crew know a thing about blowing and sucking

And can I just say that whoever creates tag team names like 'Heavenfire' and 'CultureSHOCK' just needs to stop. Seriously Stop.
Speaking of which, you ever see an episode of Law & Order, then you watch another one and it's pretty much the same.
Then you wonder, how is this s**t that does the same old s**t over and over and over again stay on the air for so long.
"Old People"

Also, anyone noticing how bad Talon's become lately? He used to be decent in EEW, and now he's well terribad. It's ironic, he's like a traveling salesman with that MitB case, except he doesn't sell, and the product he represents? Also terrible...

WWE:E
We saw the debut of....
Death Defyingly Deranged, Daringly Dashing Dangerous Dude Daniel Danielson the Third!
Try saying that guy's name three times fast... All I can say ladies must want the D... To the Ninth Power, and can you believe there are two other guys out there with the same name?

Remember in WWF when Undertaker abducted Dennis Knight gave him blood, did a satanic ritual on him and then he became Mideon?
Pretty much what's going on with Disciple/Creed/Angel.
Taking a jobber, changing him... Only to make him a jobber later on..

There isn't 'much' to talk about E:E wise considering they just started a new card, but I'm sure in a future edition of Hard News I'll find something to talk about..
Unless of course D9 the 3rd, strikes first..

PWS
They've got sharks, sharks and more sharks.. At least that's what one presumes when they started their first PPV
Amity Island.
Not exactly if it's meant to rip off a name of a horrible movie or not, but either way 'A' for effort.
But can I say this? Their card is more confusing than a Jarel Damone promo/segment.
Well, no that's almost impossible...

EWA
For the first time ever in the history of gaia, a press conference was held featuring superstars for the upcoming Dementium V Anniversary PPV
Some jokes were held, some lines were said and more..

Then Jarel spoke, is it just me or is this guy famous only because he told a lot of people that he's a big deal and people eventually believed him.
For a guy that writes fantasy stories, I'm not sure which is more believable
his stories about dragons, gods or dragon gods... Or whatever hype he thinks he has..
I know it's been tossed around jokingly before from others, but I can't be the only one who agrees..

Cyrus Leone no-showed another match, his third. You know he's no showed against a world title match, nexus championship title shot, and now he's recently lost his IC title match at a big PPV..
Throughout the year he's been saying it's the 'Year of the Dream', is it you dream that re-occurring one where you continuously disappoint your fans by not showing up.
If so, dream on. Don't forget your night cap, your blanket and your teddy bear.

Also in other news, some guy did a long promo. I don't recall who he is at the top of my head but I'm sure it's no one important.
I think it was well written though, I think what he said was good and aimed at me. Again not sure.
His name, and face slipped my mind. But I know it was a girl's name.
Karen? Susan? Katie? Kira?
Doesn't matter

Two Words for you "Parkour Match"
Nuff said

CWA
TIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGAAAAAHHHH
HAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT

LESBO
They're looking to crown their first champion soon.. It's interesting but you know what'd be better?
If they fought for shoes! I'm not sure what it is about women and their shoes
but I guarantee you if you put up a 'gorgeous' pair of shoes on the line..
You're bound to get hair pulling, boobs popping out, and hardcore s**t..
Just a thought.

IWA
It's.... Got some contender matches...
Not much going on there

And that's the Hard News for the Week of May 8th/9th
See you in a week

Once again Hard News returns


EWA
The return of Kid Omega sparks some interest in those. Not so much on him returning, just them more or less taking bets on how fast he'll pull a faster disappearing act than the Number Three.

The Road to Dementium is underway, it seems the card is bigger and badder than ever.
Can we say 'Armor Wars?'

WWFG
Yours truly is already changing the landscape of WWFG, I said I was changing it. I meant it.
What did I mean by that? Announced a #1 contender match, and broke up Chaos Unleashed to be 'just' a tag team.
I'm just getting started.

LWL
They have a scramble match for two titles...
I remember when EWA did that like three years ago...

DHW
It's... Back...
The biggest question is 'Why?'

DEATHBATTLE
It's Mad Dog vs Lauri Henry, who survives? Who's next?
Find out by reading!

First Row Sports
We're waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiting


and on the closing note...
When's the Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigaaaaaaaaaaaaah Haaaaaaaaaaaaat coming to EWA?

DHW
The hype around DHW's 'newest' wrestler was a complete mystery that few probably cared about.
However, through Drako as he calls himself, his knew found hints and he certainly gave a LOT of them
leads one to speculate it's Salem Croft.
Of course, there are people here that don't like me giving spoilers but...
It's obviously Salem, come on.. Even an idiot can see it's him.


EWA
The first elimination in the womens' rumble has happened, Jenny Senmu has been eliminated
And the newest addition to the EWA Roster was actually born into wrestling has joined the fray
Evidently when your father is the God of Time, your mother is The Goddess of the Flames..
It seems that Time Skipping is all the rage..

2nd Generation Craze
Seems another person is jumping on the '2nd Generation' craze.
First there was myself, then Nuke, Lauri, Landry, Harli and King.. Now Draze
Yes, let's all join the 2nd Generation express. I digress (Ha!)
While I can understand the need to do this, get some re-invigoration into one's lives, is it really necessary?
Granted, before anyone even remotely thinks of doing anything. I'm calling dibs..
Calling dibs on the first Family Feud segment.. Seriously, that s**t has been called and claimed.

WWFG
Wrestlemania is still under weigh
and I for one am highly disappointed
THAT NO ONE JOINED THE DANCE OFF

WWE:E
The hunt for a new Remnant champion has now reached a conclusion.
The Number Three will face the winner of Ava and AJ Warner..
Ava not sure who she is, I'm assuming she's that hussy that hangs around Thangor.
Could be wrong. Seems that way..

Front Row Seats
Once again I've been informed it's 'Front Row Seats' not 'First Row Sports' or 'First Row Seats'
And again, shell out more episodes.. I'll get it right.

Salem Says
Apparently Salem needs hosts to help him with his show, evidently he's got big stuff planned and he needs your help.

LWL
I will no longer be covering LWL.
Evidently because the Vice Captain cannot keep the lid on people in his guild concerning story lines

Note
I do believe this is 'my' show, it is all for shits and giggles.
I do not care if you like it, I do not care if you don't
But if people insist on having my stuff edited because they're the ones who cannot keep their mouth shut
Hard News will be moved to another place where it will NOT be edited.