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Son of a Jotun Vice Captain
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 Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2011 11:11 pm
There once were two very magical ********, their names were Jessi-tan, (aka Napoleon Bonaparte, aka Liberal Tightrope Walker) and Kalebot, (aka Economic Kale-Out Plan, aka, Obama's last hope). They planned to visit California for a trip no longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage. They did not, however, even think they would be setting foot anywhere near that skinny-bitches and failed dreams trash pile they call Los Angeles, Californ-eye-aye.
They were in San Fransisco when a Gay Pride Parade took them by surprise and knocked them off of the road. The large phallic float sent them spiraling into a toxic waste dump where they awoke several hours later covered in a nasty glowing liquid, glitter and shame - and whatever was in the toxic waste dump. It took only a few minutes to realize they had become full blown superheroes!
Unfortunately, the government found out very quickly and lured the two with free vegan meals into their secret government batcavey facilities. Whatever. Anyways, the government gave them code names: Peach Monkey and Bananactopus and strapped GPS-tracking anklets onto their legs so they would have to stay within the city - they sentenced them to saving the city from its impending doom, and when Los Angeles was clean and crime free, they could return home.
It's gonna be a long-a** vacation, isn't it Peach Monkey?
Now Peach Monkey with the ability to shape any object around her into a tool (except for Chris Brown, because he already is one), and Bananactopus with the ability to make it suddenly rain bananas, and grow more limbs than a Shivactopus, have to put aside their political differences and focus on their insanely impossible task of fixing this broken city.
Their theme song:
Na na na na na na na
na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na
PEACH MONKEY BANANACTOPUS! [With an unnecessary Japanese accent.]
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Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2011 11:41 pm
Episode List
[Which ******** took forever.]
Episode 1:
CLAMBAKE
In which Bananactopus learns the true meaning of "Feminism"
Episode 2:
Alcibiades and the Headless Horsemen
In which Peach Monkey and Bananactopus get s**t faced and go around Greece knocking the heads off of statues.
Episode 3:
I am the Swan Queen
In which Peach Monkey feeds aquatic birds with moldy bread and Bananactopus declares himself queen of them.
Episode 4:
Hide and Seek
In which the aforementioned game is played by our heroes and some guy trying to kill them.
Episode 5:
Teacher's Pet
In which Bananactopus gets a job as a professor of philosophy, drops acid, and imagines he is walking a large porcupine-newt everywhere.
Episode 6:
Judgement Day
In which a crazy man tells the city that the world is going to end and no one listens to him. Meanwhile our heroes are flat broke but want to go to the movies.
Episode 7:
Killer Instinct
In which Peach Monkey gets amnesia and thinks she has to assassinate all of the stars of the Blue Collar Comedy tour - and no one tries to stop her.
Episode 8:
Rotary Phone
In which a hidden sniper makes Bananactopus try to figure out how to work a rotary phone with some old woman's life on the line. Alternatively titled: Night night, Grandma.
Episode 9:
Reality Television
In which Bananactopus becomes addicted to the Jersey Shore and Peach Monkey becomes addicted to Face-Off and nothing of importance happens that entire month or two.
Episode 10:
Roger and Ebert Give it Twelve Thumbs Down
In which the evil council of Dirty LA is introduced and Peach Monkey and Bananactopus's ratings are so bad they have to cut out all of the previously planned fart jokes.
Episode 11:
This Ain't No Rod-ay-o
In which our heroes meet Sarah Jessica Parker. Guest Starring the horse from Black Beauty.
Episode 12:
Drugs, Drugs and Thugs
In which all of the racism is prominent.
Episode 13:
White Boy Can't Flake Out
In which Bananactopus has too many obligations and clones himself to avoid disappointing anyone, only to find out said clones are dickless.
Episode 14:
The Peanut Gallery
In which the Planters Peanut guy attempts to enslave the city, nearly succeeds but is foiled by Peter Pan. And this show gets new screen writers.
Episode 15:
Quote the Raven
In which our heroes go to Raven Symone's house and repeat everything she says until she calls the police.
Episode 16:
Tatted Up
In which Bananactopus gets drunk and has Peach Monkey's face tattooed to his left a** cheek, then attempts to sell the other as advertising space.
Episode 17:
'MRRICUUH!
In which Peach Monkey and Bananactopus encourage the younger generation to vote, but political arguments ensue.
Episode 18:
Every Day I'm Shufflin'
In which Peach Monkey becomes addicted to Blackjack and Bananactopus attempts to take on the council by himself, fails, and has to pry Peach Monkey away from the casino.
Episode 19:
Other Than that, Mrs. Lincoln, Did you Enjoy the Play?
In which a politician is assassinated and Peach Monkey and Bananactopus must catch the perpetrator, but Peach Monkey wasn't planning to vote for him anyhow, so she is less motivated to do so.
Episode 20:
Bumming Cigarettes and Not Paying Rent
In which Peach Monkey and Bananactopus haven't been paying rent and are evicted, penniless and tobacco addicted. The episode ends with a cliffhanger, as we need these ******** to come back next season.
[Season Finale]
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Son of a Jotun Vice Captain
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Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2011 11:58 pm
Top Billed Cast:
Peach Monkey - Jessi
Bananactopus - Kale
Government Agents - Woody Harrelson
That Guy who looks like Woody Harrelson from A Beautiful Mind
That SHIELD Agent from Thor
The Six in the Council -Chuck Norris
Samuel L. Jackson
The Ghost of Robert E. Lee
Tim Burton
Lance Bass
Jay Leno/ Conan O'Brian (Since they're interchangeable)
Annoying but Hot Neighbor Peggy - Olivia Wilde
Drug Dealer who is Always High - Kristen Stewart
Landlord - Michael Caine
Filmed On Location in the Streets of Hell Itself. I mean, Los Angeles, California.
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Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2011 12:00 am
Alright, what say we get a move on with the scripts?
Should we Pilot this b***h?
Peach Monkey and Bananactopus Take Los Angeles: Pilot
Scene 1.
[Bananactopus is sitting at a kitchen coffee table, in a run-down flat with his back to the morning light, snorting cocaine.]
Enter Peach Monkey in a sleep shirt and superhero boxers. Cup of coffee in one hand, bottle of tequila in another.
PM: Morning, f*****t.
B: -Glances up over the top of Ray Ban aviators and sniffles once- Hey.
PM: -pours last bit of tequila into the coffee mug- Any new s**t from the um..the um... chief?
B: -shakes head- Big ******** explosion this morning.
PM: Toward the city?
B: -shakes head while speaking- In our parking lot.
PM: Oh. -Takes a seat beside Bananactopus and throws the bottle out the open window-
B: -Rubs nose- So. Should we?
PM: Check it out? -Sighs- I guess we had better.
Scene 2:
Peach Monkey and Bananactopus enter the parking lot.
B: Oh ********! It was my car! No!
PM: You don't own a car, ********: Oh. Oh yeah. Okay. Well, what do you think they were after?
PM: Well, there's no note, so we'll probably have to use our detective skills.
B: -Scratches head- I left mine upstairs, so if I have to go back inside, I'm gonna stop for a breakfast burrito or something.
PM: Why don't we just check the parking lot cameras?
B: Because we live in the LA equivalent of Guantanamo Bay, that's why.
PM: I forgot again. -Sips coffee casually- Well, what now?
B: -Shrugs, also casually- Breakfast?
A loud explosion is heard from the other side of the building.
B: ********. Almost got to have breakfast.
The two run toward the opposite side of the building to see a man in an Obama mask running away.
B: I ******** knew it was Obama.
PM: Heh. It's amusing because his latex mask resembles another person and is a political statement.
B: Or it's Obama.
PM: Should we stop him?
B: -Throws up a hand-
Hundreds of Bananas fall onto the suspicious man in the mask, stopping him dead in his tracks.
B: Hopefully I didn't kill this one.
The two approach the man and take off his mask to reveal an older white male.
PM: Aha! Herman Cain!
B: Herman Cain is black.
PM: No way.
B: -Nods- Yeah...
PM: Well then, who is he?
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Son of a Jotun Vice Captain
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Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2011 4:46 pm
Scene 3:
Flashback.
B: -Is watching reruns of TBS sitcoms, not laughing, and giving each punchline an audible rating between 1 and 3 every time the "studio audience" laughs-
Enter PM
PM: Have you checked your e-mail today?
B: Yeah. There was someone who told me to watch out because Obama was running around here. ******** Fascist.
PM: Uhm. That didn't seem a little suspicious to you?
B: No. Should it?
PM: Hm..
B: Probably just Ted Jackson, he does that s**t all of the time.
PM: Who the ******** is Ted Jackson?
B: Who's who now?
PM: What?
Scene 4:
Flashback Ends
B: Well, I'm stumped.
Man: I'm Ted Jackson you damned fools! -Attempts to move but is still covered in bananas-
PM: He should be good for a while, right?
B: Yeah.
PM: Good, let's get food. I hear the McRib is back.
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Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2011 9:47 am
Scene 5:
Cut to our producers all with shirts reading "Producer".
P1: Wait wait wait! Is this all these morons do? Talk about food, do drugs and not be able to catch average, super-powerless menaces to society?
The writers come to the rescue.
W1: Now now now, remember, they don't want[/i to be superheroes.
W2: Yeah. The government is making them.
P1: Well the government had better make them more exciting or this show is going nowhere.
W1: Just watch, it gets better.
P2: It had better.
Scene 6:
In McDonalds with Bananactopus and Peach Monkey.
B: -at the counter- Alright, I'm gonna need like five McRibs, just in case that "limited time" ends soon.
Cashier: The "limited time" ended five minutes ago, sir. Would you like to try our-?
B: WHAT!? -As Bananactopus is still feeling the effects of the cocaine, he drops bananas like a ********, and jumps the counter-
PM: Bananactopus! You're a Vegan!
B: No! The actor who plays me is! -Grabs employee by shirt and pulls him close- Give me the damned sandwich!
PM: B, they're probably all out of the s**t they use to make it
B: I DON'T GIVE A ********! -picks up the fryer and starts cracking skulls with it-
PM: Awesome. Anyhow, can I get a number five?
Cashier: -gone-
PM: -sigh- I guess I'm getting it myself. -jumps counter too-
Scene 7:
Producers: -staring, blinking, mouths open-
Writers: Eh? Eh? Anyway, next scene!
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Son of a Jotun Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Nov 08, 2011 2:33 pm
Same Scene:
P1: No. No no. No no no.
W1: No?
P2: No!
P1: You expect us to produce a show with menaces to society as main characters?
P2: Lazy, stupid, cocaine snorting menaces to society. I don't think so.
W2: Just wait. It will all make sense, I swear.
Scene 8:
Peach Monkey and Bananactopus are leaving the McDonalds which is on fire in the background.
B: I forgot what we were doing.
PM: -eating- Um, something about Obama.
B: Oh yeah, that guy in the mask. We should probably get the police on that s**t.
PM: Good idea, you call them.
B: -calls police and sends them to the scene-
PM: So, what do we do now?
B: I don't know about you, but I was going to hang around the mailbox for my next welfare check-
Scene 9:
P1: OH MY GOD! -flips table- NO! GOODBYE! -exits-
W1: Jeeze, no one told me Bruce Banner was our producer. I would have brought a camera to make this atrocity which would still be better than the last two Hulk movies. -turns to camera, thumbs up-
P2: I think I had better go as well.
W2: Wait wait wait! Just give us until the end of the pilot! There's some pretty legit s**t in here.
W1: Pretty legit.
W2: We're talking more of a following than Oprah.
W1: That's Oprah Winfrey, ********: -Sighs- Alright, - to W2- you can stop talking. -to W1- You can continue. But I won't hear anymore than the pilot. You only have a few more scenes left, do not disappoint me.
Writers: -nod- Got it!
Scene 10:
-at police HQ, interrogating Ted Jackson-
PM: So, why the explosions? What's your objective?
B: -Shakes head- Peach, You're too nice. Watch and learn. -hits TJ in the face and grabs him by the shirt collar- Who the ******** are you hiding!?
PM: That's not the right question, Bana.
B: -hits TJ in the face again- Where's my money!?
PM: Okay, maybe I should do the interrogating.
B: Bring me donuts you ******** lazy cops, I'm a god damn official!
PM: You'll have to pardon him, he's having withdrawals from something, likely something illegal.
B: Don't ******** tell the fuzz!
PM: They can't touch you, you'll Banana-slap those ********: That s**t hurt.
B: Sho nuff!
PM: So?
TJ: You know what I want. I want a clean city. The only way to do that with this place is to tear it down and start anew.
B: That actually sounds pretty effective.
PM: -Backhands him-
TJ: You're part of the problem! It's people like you, the scum that drags this city down!
PM: He does s**t outside when he gets drunk and can't find a bathroom...
TJ: See!?
B: -sighs- But there's no point in cleaning a city if you kill all of it's citizens.
PM: Yeah, then nobody's gonna pay their taxes. They'll all be dead. You want to be king of dead people. Psh. That's dumb.
TJ: This place is sickening, and you're no better.
B: Damn, ********, go get a house in the 'burbs or some s**t.
PM: Right?
TJ: I will see this city burn! No matter what you do to me!
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Posted: Sun Nov 13, 2011 11:49 am
Scene 11:
Peach Monkey and Bananactopus exit the room having strung Ted Jones up by his ankle from the ceiling in the interrogation room. Both are wearing mirror aviators and walking in slow motion.
Police Chief: So, did you find anything out? Why are you two moving so slowly?
B: -stops and shrugs- It's something that happens when we've had too much co-
PM: Coffee. We've had too much coffee. So. He's just some terrorist who wants to "clean the city."
B: Muffukka, that's my job!
PM: Damn straight.
PC: Right, and a great job you're doing.
PM: Yep. Definitely not contributing to the scum.
B: Mos def.
PM: Where?
Mos Def: I work for the police here, now. It's quite a career move, but I liek to think I'm doing some good, in my own way.
PM: Oh. Good on ya, man.
B: True.
Scene 12:
P2: How do you expect to get Mos def to agree to be on your shitty show?
W1: Can't we just get any black guy? Honestly?
W2: God damn, you're a racist.
W1: You're right, we're an equal opportunity employer. I'll allow brown people to play the part as well.
W2: -Sigh- What he means is, if mr. Def is unavailable, we'll just improvise.
W1: Not gonna lie to you, I was under the impression that this was a cartoon.
W2: No way. That's too overdone. The last thing I want is to make a comedy cartoon to be in the shadow of the Simpsons for the rest of forever.-turns to camera, thumbs up-
P2: -turns to camera to announce- That was an adult cartoon joke, specifically targeted at Family Guy. -returns to scene- You two have some demands for this show. You know if we did allow this show your budget would be like six dollars an episode, and that's probably just to get you to stop coming back here.
W2: Understandable.
W1: Hm. More than I had thought.
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Son of a Jotun Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 11:07 pm
((Love the breaking of the fourth wall, and the jokes that have to be explained. It's like everything that was ever mildly good on Com Cen all combined into one big heaping pile of crap. Take it or leave it.))
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