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[CRIT] Sil's Book Child Application [Kasumi]

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Teh_Sil

PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 7:17 pm


User Image
Name: Kasumi
Nickname(s): N/A
Age (Appearance Wise): Early 20s
Age (Actual): Fifteen years old
Personality:
Fearful- Kasumi loathes men, to the point where it's near impossible for a man to get any conversation out of her. This hatred is tempered by a large amount of fear. Kasumi flinches when people lean too close to her, and a man's raised voice has been known to cause silent tears to streak down her face. She cringes in constant fear of being hit, and has a general dislike of loud noises.

Tranquil- There is nothing Kasumi would rather do than to recline beside a tranquil pond, and watch petals float across the surface, trailing her fingers in the cool water. She enjoys gentle music and poetry as well, as long as it's not too loud or too violent.

Vengeful- While generally unassuming, there is a far darker side to Kasumi. She takes any perceived slight, but especially those by men, seriously, and for the more egregious insults tend to end up with her taking a vow of vengeance. Said perceived slights tend to be issues of manners, mostly- chewing with one's mouth open, not giving a proper greeting, familiarizing that which should not be familiarized.

Not being particularly powerful, there's little Kasumi can actually do, other than haunt a person with her ghostly presence, constantly turning up where they least expect her, simply being there, looking unearthly. Perhaps she'll plant little 'gifts' where someone least expects them- rotting vegetables, clumps of hair. It may be childish behavior, but it does seem to genuinely unsettle some.

Loyal- Once Kasumi's barriers are overcome, and trust is earned, she is a loyal friend, rarely hesitant to step in and assist someone, even if it means confronting her own fears. Her loyalty is rather stretched when it comes to men, thanks to her experiences with her past lover, so she may very well question stepping in then. Her loyalty is often to her own detriment- she overlooks a person's faults, unwilling to see them, holding them up as an example of what a person should be, almost worshipping them with wide eyes and longing looks.

Artistic- Kasumi is skilled at Ikebana, the art of flower arranging. Her funerary arrangements are said to be some of the best offered, though she will always deny it with eyes cast down, a blush rising on her pale face. She's also skilled in painting, though her style is rather minimalistic. She apprenticed with another flower arranger when she came to the city, before she earned her own shop, and often tells people that there is a great deal more for her to learn. When talking to people, she likes to imagine how she would represent them on paper- what plant they would be, and what brush strokes can capture their essence. Her hands often move restlessly, as if trying to capture those images even when no paper is around.

Melancholic- There is a general aura of sadness around Kasumi that can make others uncomfortable with her presence. Even when she smiles, there is something in her eyes that seems heartbreaking, as if tears were just waiting to spill. Her habit of wringing her hands together and constantly averting her eyes does not help with this impression.

Thoughts on the Forest: "It was so peaceful... Sometimes I wish I could return."
Thoughts of Book Children: They are like her, but they must first earn her trust. Still, at least they look human.
Thoughts on City People: The more bestial of them can make her unsettled and hesitant, but business has to be done, so she tries not to let it show. The more human City People don't seem to bother her at all.
Physical Appearance: Pale and ghostly, with a mane of dark hair that reaches to her knees. Blue eyes that always seem sad, and a physique that could use a few more pounds on it. She wears a white kimono at all times, and frequently puts flowers in her hair. They are usually blue, to match her eyes.

Story: Of a Promise Broken
Favorite type of Ending: Stories of faithful lovers, who end up together, whether in death or in life.
Favorite Illustration: Sumi-e style paintings, particularly of flowers.
Dreams: Dreams of a faithful man, who stays by her side, and their happy, though mundane, life.

History: Upon leaving the tranquility of the forest, and entering the city, Kasumi quickly got lost. Baffled, she found herself at the house of a kind older woman, one who practiced Ikebana. Within a few days, she noticed Kasumi's interest, and her apprenticeship began. Kasumi stayed on with the old woman for ten years, practicing her art, until finally striking out on her own. In the midst of her apprenticeship, she met a man who seemed to embody every quality she had ever wanted. They seemed so deeply in love, swearing eternal vows never to leave each other, to always be there, by the other's side.

Unfortunately, Kasumi's love proved to be very unfaithful indeed. She had been growing suspicious, and followed him, loathing herself for that suspicion, saying that her fears were unfounded. Alas, they were not, and she caught her man in bed with another woman. Wanting to forgive her lover, wanting to stay loyal to him, she gave him time to explain, gave him a few days... Only to have him return and slap her, beat her down, calling her worthless. Their relationship ended then and there, leaving Kasumi in a rather lonely place, afraid that it would happen again, and that people would inevitably betray her and cause pain.
Hobbies: Painting, flower arranging, writing poetry, getting lost in thought
Birthday: October 31st
Favorite Things: Flowers, quiet, a brush in her hand and a pot of ink nearby
Hated Things: Noisy people, most men, flowers that wilt away after only a day
PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2011 1:43 pm


Given Critique

Birdy

Teh_Sil



iStoleYurVamps

iStoleYurVamps

Vice Captain

Trash Husband

PostPosted: Tue Nov 08, 2011 1:43 am


Why is she fearful? Even in her story and history no reason for this is given.

In general try no to leave personalities 'trailing off' unless they lead directly into another. If her tranquility can vanish, how? To leave it at '...' says nothing about the trait.

What in particular types of things does she consider an insult? Some people consider holding the door open insulting. so to say 'any' is like... does this make her vengeful to everyone she meets?

loyal when would she be hesitant? "never" is an absolute and should be avoided since you cant have something be 100% all the time. If something can be seen as 100%, change up the words and write exceptions. Its a simple thing that makes a profile much more cohesive.

Artistic- I'm not reading this so much as part of her personality. If you can apply it to more than her art and apply to how it will alter her personality and behavior with people/events then this can work 8D


Forest: She would have been there an hour, and can't return so, she can't go there to mourn.
City People: why does their apperance frighten her? They make up the majority of the city and would be her customers so this is a bit detrimental.
PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2011 1:56 pm


Okay, I hope these changes are better. Sorry it took me so long .D:

Teh_Sil



iStoleYurVamps

iStoleYurVamps

Vice Captain

Trash Husband

PostPosted: Wed Mar 28, 2012 2:34 am


A small note but, sexual relations between book children and city people would be pretty rare, and frowned upon. It might help to work this into your history portion.

-Fearful: I think the sort of blanket way this is written is a bit limiting. Like, if a male's voice is raised is laughter, or in greeting, or it yelling something as simple as 'congrats', will she still begin to cry or flinch? And what in example makes her flinch? Just movement in general? A hand raised in the motion to strike her? I ask again just for clarification. The traits are fine to have but they just need to provide a bit more in dept examples.

-Tranquil: The terms I'm afraid doesn't really match the girl D: The reason being is tranquil would make her personality a very clam collected person. There also really isn't much here about how this applies with her interactions with others. Try to apply traits in terms of how it will effect her relationships and exchanges with other characters

-Vengeful: This can run counter to her being tranquil, so when you write up tranquil, just be sure to keep this trait in mind and how it works into that. But as is, it's fine.

I'm actually going to say
"Not being particularly powerful, there's little Kasumi can actually do, other than haunt a person with her ghostly presence, constantly turning up where they least expect her, simply being there, looking unearthly. Perhaps she'll plant little 'gifts' where someone least expects them- rotting vegetables, clumps of hair. It may be childish behavior, but it does seem to genuinely unsettle some. "
^This edges into giving her traits that she wouldn't have D: Mostly saying she is ghostly and unearthly. It's a minor thing but try using other terms/phrases. Like stalking someone and staring at them. Looming over them. Sending anon hate male. killing the potted plants.

Artistic- again, like tranquil how does this work in terms of personal relationships/exchanges. Being artistic is good, but it's all very internal/self based if that make sense.

Melancholic- It's coming off as a bit predetermining in the sense that her eyes are 'heartbreaking' when to some they might be at all. This should be more about how depressed or sad she is and how her view/sadness might help/hinder personal exchanges/relationships.


Sorry this has taken so long D:

Teh_Sil
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