It was ok until
"And when the stars touched the ground, we all began to sweat.
The stars the size of flaming pebbles. They were hot. I can bet."
then the rhymes got forced. a forced rhyme is when you find what you want to say next, then make up another line next to it JUST for the rhyme.
you need to let the thing flow more. go ahead and break the rhyme scheme, because you know what? in your poem, the world ended. it should be chaotic and falling to pieces but instead you make it sound like its just another day and throw in some second grade rhymes like:
"The ground was burnt, the trees were hot.
We searched for days, we searched a lot. "
really? a lot and hot? you can do better then that.
"He told us "There was a better place."
We followed him at a speedy pace."
place and pace? thats like one letter diffrence, and "we followed him at a speedy pace" is a filler line for a forced rhyme.....wait, i think that rhymed O.O
anyways, good ending to the whole thing, but i think you could work on a new tittle. the title isn't supposed to give the whole poem away.
really you dont want to see peoms titled "The day my boyfriend broke up with me and i felt like i was going to die and i gave him everything"
No one wants to read the poem now because i told you everything that was going to happen in it. you need something that catches the eye AND makes sense at the end of the poem. everyone would want to read a poem that was titled "Sexuality of a pineapple" because its eye catching, and if you read such a poem and they dont mention a pineapple anywhere, then you will have to dig deeper, and realize that maybe the pineapple is a metaphor for an odd person who feels like a decorative fruit that no one really likes.
ANYWHORE! it wasnt bad, but with some work it could be great.
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