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 Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 2:40 pm
A forest glade,
all trees swept clear,
There seems to be,
nothing to fear,
But hear you something?
In the gloom?
Do you see something?
In the light of the moon?
I see monsters,
In the dim,
Lock your doors,
Don't let them in,
Can you hear them?
Shriek and groan?
Can you hear them?
Roar and moan?
Daylight brakes,
With relief you sigh,
For surely you thought,
you were too die,
You leave your home,
Into the light,
And in the clearing,
you scream with fright,
Darkness may be gone,
There are the monsters ready to fight,
So there you have it,
Loud and clear,
Darkness may be more frightening,
But Light cannot hide the fear.
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Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 6:10 pm
I think your major problem is forced rhyming. It's not as bad in this poem as it has been in other poems I've seen, but it's still forced.
A specific line that struck me as being problematic is "But hear you something?" - it's oddly phrased and doesn't fit at all with the tone and structure of the following lines. It just strikes the reader as being out of place.
Keep writing.
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Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 9:02 pm
Thank you, I know what you mean, I actually tried to make it...different, lol. xd Like i mean how I wrote it. I could have said, "Do you hear something?" but I though "Hear you something?" sounded more colorful. whee
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