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 Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 9:21 pm
Every day...
Every ******** day...
...Every ******** minute, of every ******** hour, of every ******** day. It's always on my mind. Haunting me. When all I want to do is be left alone. I don't know how much longer I can take this.
I feel like a freak. Every day my friends gush over "cute guys" and whatnot. They always say, "Oh isn't -insert random "cute guy's" name here- he just so hot, he's absolutely dreamy. Don't you think so, Jill?" And even though i'd rather say something like, "Hell no. I don't like guys..." I always reply meekly, "Why yes, of course."
And when my friends talk about their boyfriends. And they hassle me because they think i'm single, I always want to mention Sora. I mean, they get to talk about how much they love their crushes and boyfriends, so isn't it only fair that I talk about my girlfriend? But no. I can't. ;_;
So, I ask you, fellow gays and lesbians (Sorry straight people, but, I don't think any of you can truly help me right now...) does it ever get any easier? Thinking about things people tell you are wrong, having to hide from the people you're not sure if you can trust? Does the pain ever go away? Does the absolute agony of lying to those you care about most, or just dealing with the hardships of thinking you, just being who you are, is wrong, does that ever go away?
I know. I'm being emo. But every day seems to be harder then the next. Sometimes, I even find myself wishing I was straight. And then, realizing this is the way I was born, the way i'll always be, well, it's not a great feeling, let me just say that.
So. I guess this was really more of a rant, but, I really need some advice, or something.
;_;
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Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 9:27 pm
'Kay, i'll be going to bed now.
Hopefully some of this utter "emo-ness" will magically disappear overnight.
And, if not. I look forward to reading (hopefully) some words of advice, or at least the exchange of similar feelings, y'know, so I know i'm not alone in feeling this way...
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Posted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 3:31 am
Heh.... I can't really offer any advice because as you might have notices by my topic on the main page, i'm just as messed up about the whole thing. It haunts me everywhere too. So yeah. I guess the only help i can be is another person who knows how you feel.
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Posted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 5:44 am
I used to feel like that. Now, I really dont care. I have to keep most things to myself anyways. But maybe you should try telling one of your closest friend? Im not sure what your friends are like and how they feel about things like that but it's worth a try. Coming out, does make you feel a little better about it, especially if the person you told is ok with it. And I think that it's up to you to make the best with what you were given. You could either look down on it or you could except it and the loneliness it brings you sometimes.
I probably didn't help you at all. Im sorry. -_-
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Posted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 8:27 am
Yeah it's hard, but as AkureiKnight suggested telling a close friend who is not homophobic will help. You are telling us about it and that is a good thing.
I am not good at this sort of stuff. I tried.
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Posted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 4:31 pm
AkureiKnight I used to feel like that. Now, I really dont care. I have to keep most things to myself anyways. But maybe you should try telling one of your closest friend? Im not sure what your friends are like and how they feel about things like that but it's worth a try. Coming out, does make you feel a little better about it, especially if the person you told is ok with it. And I think that it's up to you to make the best with what you were given. You could either look down on it or you could except it and the loneliness it brings you sometimes. I probably didn't help you at all. Im sorry. -_- No, you really did help. ^_^; ...The thing is. I did come out to my former best friend, and everything seemed fine. It felt like I had someone by my side, y'know? (More-so than a normal friendship). But then, she abandoned me. And I was back to square one. Always worrying that she was going to tell someone, that she'd out me. And believe me, that was the last thing. To this day I worry about it. A few of my friends know. But, the ones that I really want to tell, I just can't...
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Posted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 4:34 pm
Seralunarin Heh.... I can't really offer any advice because as you might have notices by my topic on the main page, i'm just as messed up about the whole thing. It haunts me everywhere too. So yeah. I guess the only help i can be is another person who knows how you feel. -hugs- Thank you. Knowing that there's someone else who knows what i'm going through. Well, it helps more than really, any advice could ever help. ^o^
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Posted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 6:17 pm
I know how it is.
I want to talk to my friends about someone, but I can't.
I have to turn to you guys because I know your open.
They are to, but if they knew who it would just be *DRAMADRAMADRAMA*
I don't know if it gets any easier...
I hope it does.
And I hope it does for you.
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Posted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 6:58 pm
A.Dream.Within.A.Dream. Seralunarin Heh.... I can't really offer any advice because as you might have notices by my topic on the main page, i'm just as messed up about the whole thing. It haunts me everywhere too. So yeah. I guess the only help i can be is another person who knows how you feel. -hugs- Thank you. Knowing that there's someone else who knows what i'm going through. Well, it helps more than really, any advice could ever help. ^o^ YOur welcome. ^^ GLad to be of some use. I really do understand all of it. My sister is always asking me "Where is your boyfriend? WHy don't you have one yet?" And most of my friends here don't know i'm bi (which is what most people believe) and only like 2 people know i've rescently come to accept i'm a lesbian. It's like sometimes all I want to do is scream it out loud and see what happnes but i stop myself at the last second. It sucks having to stay silent, huh? V day really sucked cuz of all this s**t. Its hard enough to find a girl who is bi or a lesbian and then finding one that you are attracted to and vise versa... impossible. So, yeah, if it helps i'm glad to be of use. I don't think your being emo. Oh and @ Shmoo-chan. My friend put the whole thing your talking about really nicely today. She had never really gotten why i was so interested in glbt issues and why i was always thinking about things (even though she is bi) until rescently. She said that she had never realized how much it made sense that i would want to talk about something alot that would affect my life so much. I know i can talk to her now and not worry about that. *huggles Marie* Such a great friend she is. I bet a lot of your friends are the same and have just not realized it yet. Maybe you should try to explain it to them? DUnno. YOu might be really happy with the outcome.
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Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 12:56 pm
I read this book once and the guy said something very interesting. It is normal for a homosexual to be gay... it's not normal for a homosexual to be straight. So you are normal for you. Normal is in the eye of the beholder. You can't be someone else's normal.
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Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 10:17 pm
Bleh. I'm feeling a bit better today. That, or i'm just becoming more comfortable with this totally awful feeling of knowing i'm abnormal, erm, messed-up, whatever. >.<;;
All I can say is, Thank goodness for Paige (One of my friends. Like, the only one that i'm open about everything with). She's the only one that I can talk to about Sora, or, y'know, any of that kind of stuff. Geez, if I didn't have her.... (As a friend, I mean. xD).
...I honestly don't know what i'd do. She's like, the coolest.
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Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 2:13 pm
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL domokun !!! N trust me , it DOES get easier 3nodding ! After you accept yourself, it'll be pie (well, not PIE but easier) dealing with others 3nodding . Whenever my friends were like "Oh, he's so hot, don't you think he's hot?" I always felt akward (if not bored rolleyes )like "Um..no..I don't think so...sorry.. sweatdrop ". Last month I came out to them n they were like "WOW, EEBIE, WE KNEW IT rofl !" My friends are very supportive, so maybe yours will be too 3nodding . My mom always suspected but I always denied it. Finally, New Years Eve I just told her. I felt wretched for awhile becuz my mom was always like "Oh you're such a good kid" but her reaction was muy mal ninja . I quickly learned not everyone is going to think homos are the greatest thing since sliced bread ninja . BUT, ya kno what- even when people talk smack-you just gotta remember IT'S OKAY TO BE GAY domokun !!! Here are some links ninja . Source URL: http://www.bidstrup.com/cool.htmwww.youth.org/yao/docs/i-think-article-lesbian.html (<-you probly won't need that one as much) www.pflag.org/ You have to be able to love yourself unconditionally! I know it sounds hard but always remember that being a lesbian is totally normal 3nodding . It's just different. N it's a difference that is totally FINE! Trust me. PM if you ever wanna talk 3nodding cool .
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