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 Posted: Sat Sep 03, 2011 10:32 pm
Hmmm, Well hello there you guys! I'm yummy, Newbie here, and no idea where to begin. After a day of diggin' through the guild, I decided it best to start here, state the quest for Fel Essense, The Soul, and the general idea around my Raeven, when created, and the Guardian.
If I can get any tips, Send 'em in quick! I feel quite lonely here..
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Posted: Sat Sep 03, 2011 11:17 pm
[.oo ] Fel Essence  - Dry Water -
Water that is somehow, miraculously, dry. When poured over a hand, or some sort of other object, instead of feeling wet, or damp, a feeling of profound dryness is felt in it's stead. Dry water also dries objects it comes into contact with, as if sucking the dampness away. weird, huh? It's as if it's... magic.
[.o1] The Soul - Humpback Whale -
The majestic whale, Titan of the sea. The world's oceans are his home, and the various organism's inside, it's feast. It is 42 - 52 feet in length, and about 79,000 lbs on average. Pure massive.
Domonic found the whale stranded on the beach, and knowing it would die, did a smart thing. He set the soul tube beside it, and let it die naturally.
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Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2011 2:11 am
[.oo] Guardian Concept
Name |/ Domonic Shiloh Freud
Race |/ Human [ Deal with da' Devil. ]
--
Body Type |/ Athletic
Height |/ 5'9"
Weight |/ 159 pounds
--
Eye color |/ Red
Hair Color |/ Natural Orange
Usual Attire |/ Shirtless, with a pair of semi tight black skinny legged jeans. A plethora of belts adorn Domonic's waist, many studded, cut up, metalisacized, of plain chain. The demon wears a pair of black, army issue combat boots, with yellow laces. If he isn't shirtless, he either wear a stark white wife beater, or a white shirt paired with a thin leather jacket, adorned with a plethora of buttons zipper, and the like.
Carried Items |/ At near all times, S carries a Butane diffusor. This device looks very similar to a spray deodorant, and fires a wide stream of butane, oxygen, and hydrogen. Very flamable.
Otherwise, Domonic always carries his wallet, his matchbook, and a lighter.
--
Personality |/
At a meager 29 years of age, Domonic is the kind of guy you are happy to know and be friends with really. He is rarely angry with those around him, prefering fixing a situation over making it worse. Many things can go on an on around him, but Domonic just loves to sit back and watch the show. He is friendly and for the most part unassertive, yet knows how to stand up for what he feel's and knows is right. Whether or not others think so. Domonic will stand on his own, with friends turned against him, if it means standing up for morals.
While he is the ' Nice guy " Domonic is very confident and rarely assertive. He know's whats what in the world, and finds his own way to deal with it.
Domonic meditates every day, unwinding all of the combed up stress accumulated. These times are when he likes to be alone, preffering the solo time. Very few people can bother him from this state. this trance so to say, but when they do, it better be a good reason.
And just because he may seem the kid who takes s**t, that doesn't mean Domon doesn't know how to give it right back. The man has been in a few fights, won only two of them, but ended up impressing the other three. He know's fighting is wrong, but he know's it is better to stand up for his tail sometimes too.
Bio |/
Domonic began his life away from gaia, Born in the Sky Garden's of Canter, hundreds of miles to the north of the land. He was born to parents hard on their luck. Mark and Linda Freud both were in debt, and the problems they were facing forced them to move away. Domonic was three months of age when the three decsended from the sky, riding a derigible as if passengers. They made their way, and through a bit of luck, struck into a job. Domonic grew up without any problems, calling Durem his home.
Domonic and his family grew apart, slowly, as he grew. He moved out a little early, and made his own way in life. He worked into at school, and became an art major. The then kid found himself in a tattooing class, actually on accident. He liked it more then he would have thought, yet sadly lacked the ability to work it like he wanted to.
Domonic tried as hard as he could to learn, eactly like he wanted to. He never reached it, and bean searching for alternative means of learning. It started as little talismans for luck, and graceful movement, then to killing small animals for some sort of blessing. Domonic just couldn't reach his passion. He burned to do well at art, and tattooing. He wanted to, more than anything! Domonic then drw a circle on the floor, symbols actually forming in his head. He slit the throat of a chicken, and laid the blood over.
Everything dissapeared before his gaze, leaving a little strip of paper. An X and a blank line beside it. Domonic walked forewards, and in his hand appeared a quill pen.
He signed his name away to the devil.
Within seconds, a burning feeling erupted in the top of his head, and along his back. He fell to the ground, screaming in pain. His skin tore, and a burst of flames erupted frpm his back. Wings unfurled, and from his skull, a cracking was heard. Small black horn's grew from his skin, expanding the flesh around it.
He bleed frrom his wounds, and eventually healed.
He was actually really good at tattoing from that day forth. Domnic still keeps the paper, in his house, at all times. Hidden away.
The man lived his life from there.
Bad Habbits |/
Occupation |/ Tattoo Artist in Durem. He is known for his work, esspecially on the torso and calves.
---
Demon Magic |/
Random ; Domonic can perform small tricks, conjourations, and things of that sort. Weak magic to be sure. It's truely random tidbits, anyhong from making a shower of sparks, to making a coin appear out of midair, all the way back to making quick little repairs in clothes.
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Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2011 12:21 am
Hello, just a few things that caught my eye.
I'm going to leave your fel essence to be critiqued by an actual staff member who will probably be able to comment on it better. But, more importantly, I believe the guardian you've chosen isn't quite what Lab normally looks for in its homing events.
For one, Lab expects its guardians to have a stable job, thereby being able to support the raevan through providing a home setting. Secondly, a guardian should be able to care for and help nurture a Raevan. In the case of Sebastian, what you have written for his personality shows us very little that he can provide for and care for a raevan. If he isn't for commitments, how will he handle the responsibility of taking care of a raevan? And then, you made the point of simply stating that he's crass, brash, rude, and plain mean. If that's the case, how will that affect the Raevan in terms of social interactions.
As for your raevan's name, we actually have a Raevan named Domovlo whose nickname is Domo. So you might want to consider a different name. c:
Secondly, raevan colorations are based off their fel essence and design aspects are taken from the soul. Continuing, manipulations of emotions is a strong power and should be used with discretion to avoid god modding. If anything, you should simply let the person you're interacting with decide the degree of control your said raevan has over their emotions to avoid drama.
That's all I could think of. I hope my critique has helped. c:
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Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2011 1:02 am
Thanks for the quick response man!
And Sebastian does bring up a very good point... Instead of scrapping the character, I'll probably add in his job description, and change his personality alot.
And I know that the emotion thing is kinda borderline. I got all the godmod outta me, or as much as i could manage, when I first began to roleplay on another site. I trust myself not to abuse the Pathokinesis.
And it was moreso meant to be an NPC affecting power, unless it was really needed. Then It would be used only with permission.
I'll probaby change the name from Domo to something better...
And he doesn't really have any offensive abilities. I'm oddly Ok with that.
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Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2011 4:18 am
Actually, just as a note, there is already a Raevan who has emotion based powers (mostly as a feeding method, but...) and that Raevan is Ekundayo or "Dayo". I can't say much on the Essence or soul but I would like to come back to crit them later. I like the potential you've got but can I say that normally it's better to steer clear of too obvious Essence/Soul pairings? For instance, my Raevan-to-be is made of Forceful Mistletoe (mistletoe that forces people to kiss) and the soul of a crocodile. On the other hand, there is a Raevan that is a self-replicating virus with the soul of a black widow.
While it's "okay" to have sort of matching Essence and Soul pairings, it would probably be more interesting for you to play in the long run, others to interact with and Kyou to draw a Raevan that is more conflicting in its natures (or, at least, two unrelated things, they don't have to be opposites).
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Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2011 10:32 am
Did someone say Self-Replicating Virus and Soul of a Black Widow? U8 *flying leap*
*shot* Okay. Hi Yummy! I'm Ravi, and I'm a general manager for the Lab. XD <3
Snoof and Herb - sneaky sneaky people that they are - did clear out a lot of information I was going to touch upon when I critiqued you. However, I am able to crit you in depth on your soul and Essence and touch a bit more on the rest of your quest.
Essence: I'm sorry to say, but this is a no-go as far as Essences come. I believe Kyou is very much against organ/body-based Essences, especially those coming from humans and thus they are not allowed. Essences, at a glance, are things found in nature that are changed. Some examples of this are fire that never goes out, a shadow with no caster, ink that writes itself on its own, light with no source, and ice that doesn't melt. If you're still confused, please check out the Gallery and the main shop thread for more information and to ask questions! Please don't be discouraged that this idea has to be discarded. Essences are well known as being the trickiest part of questing given that there are rules in place for creating them, ideas already in use, and so many out there to use! As I said before, please feel free to ask questions! Everyone in the Lab is willing to help and people looooove to come up with new Essence ideas!
Soul: As with the Essence, I'm sorry to say this but your soul is also not able to be used. This is for two reasons. The first is because it goes against the anti sentient humanoids as souls rule of the shop (and this includes werewolves and vampires amongst others), and the second because to some degree this soul is already taken. Cherubs are a class of angels and Tariel already has the soul of a warrior angel. While yes, cherubs and warriors are different, they are both angels and thus cherubs are not viable. Lab has a 'no doubles' rule in place - no doubles of Essences, and no doubles of souls. Sadly, your best bet is to try and work something else out. I'll post a list of taken souls at the end of this critique for you and please know that even if a Raevan is deceased or on the NPC list, you cannot use their souls either. Once a soul has been used it is no longer available and that includes the Raevans that were given up, taken from their inactive owners, or are deceased. Also, like Snoof said, try looking at a crazy Essence and Soul pairing! Similar Essence and Soul is an idea, yes, but it's definitely more fun to mix rather than match! And before I forget...Like taken souls and deceased Raevan souls, Gods and singular entities are off limits. Gods are unavailable because they're gods and the latter means that you can't quest for something like Cerberus, but you can quest for a hellhound!
Let's see what else we got here...Ah yes.
Raevan Concept: I should have you know now that customs in the Lab (semi or full) are very rare and are commonly done with RL money transactions. Auctions are also done, but these are rarer than rare as well. Semi customs allow you pick the gender, soul, and Essence of the Raevan but the rest is left up to Kyou, while a full custom lets you have all that and a bag of chips when it comes to design. Looking at your form, it seems you're going for a full custom but those are crazy rare and I believe Kyou is more inclined to grow current Raevans than create new ones via customs at this point in time. Not trying to deter you or anything, just laying down the truth of the matter, especially since she is rarely open for customs in general. Most people do make quests, but still try in the flatsales that are held yearly in the Lab as even though customs are rare, most flatsales involve pairing up a soul or Essence to the flatsaled off opposite. c: Plus in general, quests are a great place to keep all your ideas together!
Guardian: I see you changed from what you had last time, which is good since he really wasn't guardian material. However, I still am a little concerned. While having a character whose race isn't human is fine to some degree, the Lab has gotten tighter about various aspects of the potential guardians over the past few years. Race is one of these because in the past we've gotten dragonkin and ghosts applying and it did get rather crazy to the point where these restrictions had to be made. Remember this - the guardian should NOT outshine the Raevan. Yes, they can stick out in their own rights, but the shop is for the Raevans at heart and this is why human guardians are preferred. Saying that, I'm leaning more toward negative on the idea of an Incubus guardian since...Well everyone knows how Incubi are at heart. XD;;; I'm not sure that an Incubus would be the best person to raise an impressionable child around, especially when yours carries around a pocket flamethrower and "hangs around" brothels regularly. |D; That being said, like Herb mentioned with your former choice, I'm not really seeing anything in Dominic's personality that tells me he's responsible or competent enough to care for a child. At heart, that's what all Frei are - children. They may all look like teens or young adults, but newborn Frei are just that. Newborns. He has a job, that's very good, but would he be able to deal with the demands a child like that needs? Would he be able to procure the food a Raevan needs? Raevans don't eat like humans do and their main food source is derived from the Essence. For example, my Raevan gets her best nourishment from viral illnesses and snacks on heat. What would he do if his Raevan got hurt? Would he be willing and able to take them out into Gaia to meet other Raevans and Guardians? How would he react if the Raevan accidentally broke something of his that was important and/or expensive? All things to think about and there's definitely more out there to consider. Also, I would like to see more on him in general. While in events the Lab do have a word cap for personality (and on all other areas of the entry form), I do like seeing the guardians explained in more than a few traits overall. As it stands, all I know about Dominic is that he's very much...into being an incubus and not much else. What are his hobbies? What does he do to unwind after a day? How does he handle stress? Likes and dislikes? Etc.
Hooboy that was long...I didn't mean to get so wordy but critting is my bread and butter! XD I hope all this helps you, Yummy, and I hope you aren't too put off by my words about your Essence and Soul. It does suck to have to throw away ideas (and trust me, ask any owner in the Lab, they'll tell you they tossed out plenty beforehand) but there are plenty more out there all the same! Just keep in mind that there are a few limitations to both Essence and Soul! That being said, feel free to post in the shop thread! We love seeing new faces about and you can get tons of awesome advice from all the Labbies that hang out there!
Taken Souls: Crocodile, Moonstone, White Stag, Chameleon, Warrior Angel, Sea Fairy, Genie, Lionfish, Gargoyle, Br'er Rabbit, Rose, Fallen Star, Leviathan, Kitsune, Basilisk, King Cobra, Snow Lotus, Sphinx, Eagle, Snow Owl, Black Widow, Satyr, Pooka, Tea Plant, Incubus, Muse, Scorpion, Will o' Wisp, Pi Yao, Black Cat, Baphomet, Kirin, Titanium, Baku, Unicorn, Roc, Sleipnir, and Barn Owl.
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Posted: Sat Sep 10, 2011 11:29 am
Thank you Ravina for the very indepth crit! I really appreciate all the points you make.
I will just start over, So give a man an hour or so to fill it in!
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Posted: Sat Sep 10, 2011 9:34 pm
I hope you don't mind me popping in again to give another crit (I see you have a new Essence and Soul up), and you're welcome on my previous one. n3n
Essence: Dry Water is a much better Essence idea! Nice job! However, it could be expanded on more instead of just feeling dry alone and I have a pretty good idea how you could do just that. So how about this: instead of wetting something (like a cloth or skin as water normally does) the Dry Water Essence dries what it comes into contact with? For example, a wet shirt will have the moisture sucked right out of it and damp skin will be as if it never got soaked in the first place! That's definitely not something we've had before, it fits the Essence well, and it'll give you a bit more in the way of power development as well. c:
Soul: I gotta say, I LOVE humpback whales. They are my favorite whales ever. I have little crit to give here, only to say that your description for them is a bit wrong in the size and weight department. Instead of being hundreds of feet in length, humpbacks are generally between 39ft and 52ft long, with their weight being approximately 79,000lbs rather than hundreds of thousands of pounds. As for how Dominic found the whale, that's fine, but you will have to write it out in depth should you get the Raevan, so prepare for that in the future. Other than that, there's nothing more to say other than to keep in mind that powers come from soul as well as the Essence, so it wouldn't hurt to do a little research on humpbacks for a few whale-related power ideas. c:
Guardian: As far as Domonic goes, I do notice one little contradiction. In one paragraph you mention that he's unassertive, but a few lines later you say he is assertive! It's not really too glaring, but it is something you should amend, other than maybe checking over your spelling for errors. c: Other than that, please post his history! You say he's a human who made a deal with a devil and because of that I would really like to know why/how/what happened regarding that as well as his past to the present day. If you enter in any Lab events you will be required to give us your guardian's history as well as personality and appearance, so it's always best to have that at the ready! Once you do, I'll read it over and post again, okay?
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Posted: Sat Sep 10, 2011 11:50 pm
Thanks for the suggestions! I used the water one, and took the information on the Humpback whale. Thank you yet again!
And I edited oout a few things, and added Bio.
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