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 Posted: Sun Aug 28, 2011 2:47 pm
A whole new world,similar to earth
is where our story first takes place but it wasnt just earth it was
a sapphire gem. "sapphire gem? okay thats a lie" said joe at only 8 years old
"oh yeah? you wanna read the history book?" said caroline also at only age at and still young. "no,continue" said joe "thats what i thought" said caroline with a grin on her face.
"so the 4 elemental dragons thought that the gem should be their own,they wanted that sapphire so bad it started a war,a war that created the realm of darkhood" continued caroline "wai-wait why would they want a dumb old sapphire gem? those are only enough to get a bucket of milk" said joe
"how about you read this section then okay joe it'll answer your questions!" said caroline "okay,the elemental dragons of ruby,emerald and diamond and an dragon with no stone flew ontop to each other ripping their skin and suddenly the stone was claimed to.." said joe "oh no,its almost a full moon!?! i-i-i got to go see ya joe!" said caroline running home and into her room "okay? bye" said joe startled.
"wai-your book" said joe, caroling was already gone.
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Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2011 1:24 pm
It's an interesting start.
You definitely need to work on composition. The lack of capitalization or punctuation made it hard to read; and the way you seemingly randomly spaced your lines was confusing; but there's a good plot premise in here.
Just work on your editing and you could have something great.
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-l- Psychotic Saint -l- Captain
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Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2011 2:30 pm
-l- Psychotic Saint -l- It's an interesting start. You definitely need to work on composition. The lack of capitalization or punctuation made it hard to read; and the way you seemingly randomly spaced your lines was confusing; but there's a good plot premise in here. Just work on your editing and you could have something great. okay! thanks! that really helps alot biggrin
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Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2011 6:45 pm
Like the person above meh, I say work on grammar and spelling.
And also, if that's at the beginning, may I suggest a better hook?
You need something to draw the reader in. If it's about dragons, why not try and grab dragon lovers attention with something about dragons than with planets and crystals?
But I wouldn't mind reading more of this story.
It seems interesting.
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Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2011 7:04 pm
F l u f f e r s xxx Like the person above meh, I say work on grammar and spelling.
And also, if that's at the beginning, may I suggest a better hook?
You need something to draw the reader in. If it's about dragons, why not try and grab dragon lovers attention with something about dragons than with planets and crystals?
But I wouldn't mind reading more of this story.
It seems interesting. the whole point of it is to bring questions in their mind like "what does this have to do with it" or like the questions that you though its supposed to have them keep reading to find their answers so thats the whole point of it thank you for your comment and proving my point :3
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