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YOUNG GIRL

Name: Adelaide Oshiro
Color: #003399 Aged Ocean
Age: 16
Nationality: Japanese/American
Home/Financial Status: Well off, old money
School: Rosaline Academy

Personality:

Adelaide is quiet, and fairly reserved. She usually prefers to be by herself, either playing her guitar, reading books on mythology or practicing in the dojo. This doesn't mean that she is anti social; she just doesn't want to be caught up in other people’s drama. If she had friends, she'd probably go out for karaoke and coffee, but she has a very hard time trusting people. On top of this, she has a hard time making friends as she is usually quite blunt and serious. Adelaide is also afraid to let people in, knowing that the chances of betrayal are high. She would never be able to handle losing a close friend, so in her mind limiting her exposure to people lessens her chances of getting hurt.

For Adel, her studies are quite important. She believes that by passing with flying colors and moving on to a good career, she will make her grandparents proud. Also by doing her best she can show everyone what true focus can do. Adel believes that many things are lacking in this world, especially loyalty. She is so disappointed when she sees people betray others, especially when the other person never faltered. She always does her best to show her loyalty to her grandparents, knowing that this is another thing that will make them proud.

Once Adelaide has formed a bond with someone, she will never break it. She will fight with everything she has to preserve it. The only way a bond could ever be broken is if the other person betrayed her, at which point they’d be very sorry. Once Adelaide finds a cause she will not waver from it. She will do whatever it takes to further a goal/plan, including sacrificing herself.

Adelaide feels as though there isn't enough loyalty in the world. She feels like even if it may be hard to keep that bond in extreme times, it must be done to be an example to others. She wants to prove that true loyalty will go a long way, and make you closer to that person in the end. She decided long ago that it was best to form these bonds with good people, as they were less likely to betray and abandon. Their goals are also usually pure and true, which is something she tries her best to be.

Adelaide will barely ever show any discrepancies in her loyalty to others. For the most part, once someone has reached the point to gain that bond, it does not grow or decrease. They have become her equal, whether it is one person, or a group.

One thing Adel loves to do is plan. Whether is a dinner party or an online raid for someone, she is up to any challenge. For Adelaide, every detail is considered. Weather patterns, the allotted time a certain task should take, even the angle the wind is blowing. She goes to all lengths to make sure she has every bit of knowledge that could be needed for the current plan. Nothing is taboo to further the plan, and she will use any means necessary to complete her plan. Should someone she cares about get in the way of this she will become incredibly conflicted, and will weigh the pros and cons of the plan. However, if the plan would lead to her being unforgiven by those close to her, she would either completely change the said plan or not go through with it all together. She will not risk losing any bonds, or being lost to her grandparents for anything.
However, if Adel was ever betrayed she would turn extremely vengeful and remorseless. If someone gets in her way, she will not show mercy to them. This especially goes for people who have been unloyal, as she finds them disgusting and unworthy. If she hurts someone who has done this, she rarely feels guilt from it. The only time she would feel truly guilty is if she later found out that person was completely innocent.

A positive and a negative for Adelaide is that she is a perfectionist. If something is not perfect, and goes wrong because someone else ruined it, she will not hesitate to do something about it. A plan is a plan, and once it is set, there is no changing it. This is about the only time you would see her lose control of her calm, is if a plan has gone so wrong she can no longer fix it. In her eyes, if it is absolutely dire that the plan must be changed, she is the only one that can do it. However, even if it is because on someone she loves, it will still cause her to go into a rage and become cross with that person for a good amount of time.

While she doesn't hold everyone to the same standard of perfection as she holds herself, she believes they should all strive to someday reach her level. She believes if everyone did this, the world would be a better place.


Likes: Playing guitar, playing games [especially strategy ones], all forms of art ie. Dance, music, singing.

Dislikes: Liars, cheats, spiders, pickeled ginger, public buses, sadistic people and onions

Appearance: Dark purple hair. Hair is long, and in a loose braid. She dresses in the latest fashions, and always has an air of elegance about her.

History:

Adelaide was born in the Okinawa prefecture, but her parents soon moved to America because of their jobs. She spent a large part of her childhood travelling between her grandparent’s residence in Japan and her parents’ home in New York. Because of this she is fluent in Japanese and English, as well as quite versed in the social aspects of both societies. When she was 10 her parents were killed in a car accident, so she was forced to move in permanently with her grandparents. She did not handle the loss well, and began to throw herself into sword fighting. This was her best outlet for her anger besides painting, especially because her grandfather was teaching her. He helped her accept the loss and they became close.

Adelaide became comfortable in Japan, but she did miss America dearly. She was always torn between her homes. Her grandparents saw how this effecting her, and they decided to permanently relocate. They brought with them enough to remind them of Japan, including converting their guest house into a small dojo. This act showed Adelaide how much they truly loved her, and she slowly began to think of the day when her grandparents would no longer be there. This thought terrified her, as she did not want to lose them. She knew death was unavoidable, but she prayed for a way to prolong its arrival. She kept up with articles in health the magazines, never wanting to miss an opportunity to keep them in her life just a little longer. They had become her parents and she loved them dearly. She drifted through the years doing her best to make them proud, picking up many hobbies along the way. She discovered she was very good at planning, and paying great attention to detail.


Family:

witch stuff will go here eventually~

Hey, Getsu! Good job on changing the weapon <3

Let me get right into crit, shall I? o u o

Girly

First off, I think it might be beneficial to change her Nationality. This is only a suggestion, but if you would like to keep half of her roots Japanese maybe she should have an American/English first name, last name (or full name) while still retaining her native roots in appearance? But this in particular is just a suggestion and doesn't have any bearing on whether her character is good or not so don't take it to heart too much if you're set <3

Her personality is broken up into traits. While they're explained, and this gives us a good glance at how she acts and is, that's all it is. A glance. I would definitely recommend condensing her traits into a few cohesive paragraphs and giving us more insight into how she acts, what her hobbies are, interests, quirks, that sort of thing. Virtues and Flaws are great starting points but they aren't an entire character. I do like that she has more Flaws than Virtues, though, that's a good start. I think she should have more dislikes, though. Even it out with her amount of likes (I'm sure she dislikes more than just liars, cheats, spiders and onions).

Just of note, I think Homura's hair might have been black but I can't 100% confirm that and it doesn't affect anything.

In her history, since she was quickly moved to England after being born, do you think it would be alright for her to have been Japanese via her parents but born in England? I think that might make more sense, or at least be a bit simpler, since her being born in Japan doesn't really seem to effect anything outside of a brief mention and she would still retain her Japanese ancestry and being able to speak the language as well as English since she is thrown back there via her parents' deaths.

Oh... wait, she made a contract with Kyubey at 14? But she's 17 now. I don't know if it's offered for you to skip the first stage (which is what would happen there), even for semi-customs, but that is what would happen if you go with that plan and the staff might not go for it. I'm not staff so I can't say for sure. Best to ask and double check. Until then, I think you should nix this part, actually. Also, there's no mention of her or her grandparents moving out of Japan. She can't live in Japan as she is now because the shop is set in a fictional town in the state of California, she wouldn't be able to RP with anyone! I think her having met Kyubey prior to her getting accepted into the shop/able to be RP'd is perhaps a poor idea (and I've seen a couple other concepts attempt it too) without consulting the staff about it prior. At the very least, I would think if it did happen it would still have to be developed via solos so the stage isn't skipped but you wouldn't have to RP with anyone until after the wish is granted. I can't say for sure though because, again, I'm not staff.

So, my suggestion for her history would be to rewrite the last part to not include her contracting Kyubey yet, to include a bit where she and her grandparents move out of Japan and to America, get her settled on in there and then have her start worrying about their time together (this also depends on how old her grandparents are so be sure to fill in the Family section soon!)

Puella

I like her wish idea, it's good and simple, but I feel like her appearance, coupled with her magic, is far too reminiscent of Homura. Misaki may not be able to time travel per se, but she can certainly manipulate time and Homura could pause it as well as go backwards. Maybe you could limit this some how, like she can only affect specific objects and only one at a time? Another good limiter might be to make the time effects temporary. Say there was a destroyed staircase that she needed to get across, she could concentrate on that and reverse time for that staircase only in order to restore it, but after a few minutes to an hour it would revert to its original crumbled state?

That or maybe her wish could be swapped to something not time based at all, like elongating her grand parents' life/vitality (not to the point of immortality of course, but tacking on a good few more years because they're suddenly healthier)? Then she might be able to have healing abilities or some such, but that's your call. As she stands now, her Puella side feels uncomfortably close to Homura and it makes me sort of twitchy.

Misaki isn't a bad character but she could use some improvement. I'm sure with some more fleshing out and getting all her details down she can come out really nifty <3

Hey there Getsurae! X3

This isn't so much a crit as it is a nod toward/agreement toward something Snoof said.

Looking at your girl's personality, I really don't get a good feel for her or who she is. With the way you have it set up there's really not much to her and like Snoof said it's more a glance at her than anything else. A person cannot really be mapped out in just seven words (I'm sure your girl has more to her than just three virtues!), and I think you really would benefit by writing her personality out into a long hand/full paragraphs format. I'm sure the staff would prefer it in long hand when contests roll around as well and in my personal opinion the 'x-number of flaws/x-number of virtues keywords with blurbs' method is only okay as a stepping stone in order to write a personality out in full. It's better to give your audience the whole picture rather than just pieces of it after all, no matter how lax the shop's RP requirements are! Just my two bits. c: