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[[Speedran, the universally renowned hero, sacrificed his own life to forever destroy the Order of Darkora... trillions across the universe celebrated the end of what had been the largest, most destructive, most life-taking war known...

Speedran's final wish was that his sacrifice would be the last one ever needed...

.......... If only he knew how ignored his wish really was ..........]]

Alright, so you suffer from what a lot of writers have - it's called "Tell not Show" disease. We'll refer to it from now on as TNS. TNS can be cured by SNT, which stands for "Show not Tell". In this case, this first paragraph needs to be whipped out completely, only because it's more exciting for the reader to pick up all of these facts as they read. Your reader is clueless, but not an idiot. I know you mentioned that this is a sequel, and if that's the case, you should consider writing the first one, or maybe make this the first in the series or however your planning this series of writings, and just allude to the first in subtle ways that don't necessarily equal the above paragraph...hopefully that makes sense?

- 30 years after Speedran's sacrifice ~ Coast of Visoko Island - Mintier IV

Gunshots roared across the battlefield, between D.E.S. units, and a small group known as the Assassin Pirates, a few assassins trottingI would consider using a different verb. Trotting sounds too weak the galaxy causing as much mayhem as they can wherever they go...
I won't fix this as I go, but just keep in mind, SNT. You can just explain a battle and maybe introduce some characters, but maybe have the characters say the names of the groups in dialogue. There's no need to explicitly tell us that the assassin pirates are BAMFs. Show your reader that they're BAMFs.

"Otirus, cover me while I run for that tank!" Ordered Kaston, one of D.E.S.'s newer recruits. SNT

"Gotcha." responded Otirus, preparing his PSR...

When writing dialouge:

CORRECT: "Gotcha," responded Otirus, preparing his PSR.
INCORRECT: "Gotcha." responded Otirus, preparing his PSR...

Note the difference between the two. When you write dialogue, always put a comma before the end quotation. It's never a period. This is because a period ends a thought, and a comma will continue the thought until you've specified who said the line, unless it's a stand alone line. Also, careful with the ellipses ('...'). You should use those sparingly, and as I'm scrolling through I'm starting to find a lot of them. The only time ellipses are appropriate are in dialogue, maybe before the sentence. In example:

"...I don't understand. Why?"

OR

"...If there's something you have to tell me," she started, "then you'd better do it."

Also note the comma before the quotation. There's also a comma after the verb "started" because whoever was saying it wasn't finished with their sentence. Hopefully this helps!


Kaston made it to the tank, along with 4 other units... they thought the tank would be the best solution ... they never expected what such a small group could do...
Again, watch the ellipses. Too many can be a bad thing.
"Force them just a bit closer..." ordered an Assassin Pirate commander, wielding a semi-nuclear grenade.

The Assassin Pirates pulled back, forcing Kaston's crew to have to send the tank in closer to take a shot at their enemy... and just as they did... the commander tossed his grenade right into the machine gunner hatch...
Watch ellipses, lots of TNS going on here. Fix it with some SNT. This is how I would phrase it:

"The Assasin Pirates pulled back, forcing a drastic offensive. They rolled the tank in closer to fire, but it was to no avail. Before the tank could do anymore, Kaston's lips parted somewhat when he witnesses the grenade fall into the hatch.

"Oh, s**t."



A massive blast made itself well known among the gunfire, and everyone knew exactly what had happened...
Show us that they knew exactly what happened. Don't tell us that.

"They've destroyed our tank." shouted a commander, covered in small debris and ash.
LOL, they destroyed it, now did they? Because I just thought the grenade was an air freshener. XD

A sniper fired a shot and killed a AP unit with a shot to the head that pierced his skull.
I would have one of your characters specify that the Assassin Pirates are called AP. In fact, I think this opening seem isn't very relate-able. You truly only have the first paragraph to draw your reader in, and I think if you make things a little bit too complicated, you lose your reader.

The same sniper fell to enemy fire as machine gunners opened fire.

A D.E.S. commando got onto a Gatling Gun turret, and while the AP units were distracted with snipers, he mowed them down.

A commander took a moment to look around the blood-stained battlefield for anymore enemies, he found nothing but the remains of what there once was.

After the battle, medics moved to the wrecked tank to try to help any survivors...

Kaston was the only one of the crew left somewhat intact from the blast... but he was critically wounded...

They did what they could to save him... but still, it wasn't enough...

They then did an experimental medical procedure... they took the parts of Battle drones from back when they were used as military police units for a few D.E.S.-controlled cities, and implanted those parts into his body... And just as they had hoped, Kaston opened his eyes, and stood once more... now a bit more powerful than he was once remembered as being.

His brother however... Otirus... was abandoned during the battle after being struck with a strange virus...

Otirus stumbles across the sand of the beach, barely able to stand... his body slowly changing form without him noticing... and a mysterious hatred building in his soul... "Kaston... you traitor of a brother... I swear revenge on you!"

5 years after Kaston's revival ~ New York City - Earth

"Kaston, please come in... I have some important things to inform you about..." came the voice of Elesariko over Kaston's P.L.D.C.D. (Portable Long Distance Communication Device)

"Affirmative, I am coming right away." responded Kaston.

Kaston enters Elesariko's office, Elesariko gestures for him to sit down, which he does.

"What business is it you wished to discuss?" questioned Kaston

"Very important matters... A responsibility, and some bad news..." said Elesariko

"These would be?" Asked Kaston curiously

"The bad news is that it appears a new hostile group has been formed, they call themselves the Valton Rebellion, we have not confirmed their leader as of yet, but they have already attacked 3 cities across 2 planets." said Elesariko

"So you want me to take this group down?" asked Kaston with an interested expression on his face

"Not directly..." said Elesariko. I would give this person a nick name. Maybe like "Elesa" or something. Elesariko is hard for me to say in my mind for some reason. It's just a tad too cumbersome.

"Then what is the responsibility?" Asked Kaston, confused.

Something also to note here is your punctuation. Periods, inappropriate capital letters...just give it a good read over and fix your mistakes.

"We have decided that since the disband of Dragon Squadron, we should create a new elite tactical force... we want you, Kaston, to lead it." explained Elesariko

"Who are my teammates to be?" said Kaston, still in disbelief

"They are coming in right now." said Elesariko, smiling

Just then, 4 fully armed units walked in, each with unique battle armor, and advanced technology.

"These are 4 of our best, combined with you, you should be a great team." said Elesariko confidently

"Their names are Kiso, her brother - Riko, Timalsi, and Valsako." explained Elesariko

"What are our positions in this new team? What is the new team's name?!" Questioned Kaston, shocked

"You are the team's leader, Kiso is your team's Commando, Riko is your team's medic, Timalsi is your team's sniper, and Valsako here, is your team's spy. Your team is named "Shadow Squadron", you may head to the lobby to get to know one another." explained Elesariko

Kaston and the others then headed to the lobby.. Kaston a bit confused, Kiso staring at him wondering how he got chose as team leader over the other 9 they had in mind....

"Before we begin going on about each other, we should discuss the miss--" Kaston started to say before being interrupted Redundant, there's no need to tell us he was interrupted.

"-- before you start going any further, I'd like you to know I will be watching you, and if you ******** up once, I'll make sure it's well known." said Kiso in a blunt tone

"... Are you finished?" Answered Kaston, disturbed by his new teammate's uncalled for rude behavior

"For now, yes... But when you make a fail, which in my opinion is inevitable, then no, I won't be done just yet." said Kiso, staring at him.

"... Anyway ..." Said Kaston, trying to ignore Kiso's rudeness "Our mission is to investigate a group called the Valton Rebellion, we need to find out who their leader is, what they are capable of, what their plans are, and --" he stopped, being interrupted again

"Shut the ******** up Kaston, we were already briefed on this, you aren't as damn special as you think, you weren't the ONLY one being briefed, now shut your non-stopping jaws and--" she stopped as Riko, her brother began to speak

"Kiso... calm down... He's a new leader, he got picked for this job, not you, he doesn't think he is special, he was simply informing us of the details of our first task as a team, just in case any of us weren't already informed, I'm sure if he knew we had been, he wouldn't have bothered with that."

Kiso went quiet, and just began staring at Kaston

"Well since you were all briefed... who would like to begin discussing?"

Kiso stared at him, thinking her sarcastic response already, but chose to keep it to herself, instead just saying "......... I'll wait ....."

"I'm fine, let one of the others go first." said Riko

Timalsi simply smiled and said "I can't think of anything at this moment."

"Okay.... what about you, Valsako?" Asked Kaston

Valsako simply stared at the floor and said nothing, nor did he express anything on his face.

Kaston looked at Valsako concerned, then said "Valsako... are you alright?"

Valsako again, had no response in words, or in expression

"Valsako?" Asked Kaston, worried

Valsako just shook his head no, and resumed his original action

Riko just looked at Valsako with a concerned look, while Timalsi simply stared at the walls... out of the 4 others, Kiso was the only one to say anything about Valsako's actions...

"If all you're going to do is just sit there and play mute retard, then get the hell out of here. We don't need depressed, incompetent morons."

Valsako just glared at her, and secretly pulled on something behind him...

She took her eyes off him, no sooner, he drew both katanas and lunged at her, a spot on her neck and forehead already marked out.

Just as his two blades were about to meet her skin and soon after, her blood, Kaston stuck his M4A1 in the way

Valsako glared at him, visualizing what would have happened, and grinned, then walked back to his seat, and continued to stare at Kiso

"... I believe our meeting is finished for now..." said Kaston, staring at Valsako, prepared to fire if he needed to.

They left the room, Kiso, Kaston, and Riko going to the higher floor, Valsako, Timalsi, and a Guard going to the lower floor.

"... thanks I guess." said Kiso bluntly

"For what?" Asked Kaston

"Putting your cheap toy in my face and giving me one less a*****e to murder." said Kiso with a grin.

"Your goal is to downgrade me in whatever I do, I take it?" asked Kaston, staring at her

"Wow, you're dumber than I thought!" Kiso commented

Kaston stared at her...

She smirked and bluntly said "You can't even tell someone downgrading you in everything, from someone not easily impressed. I can already tell one thing about the future..."

"That would be?" asked Kaston

Kiso replied "We're all screwed if you stay as leader."

Kaston just went silent and kept walking.

"What's the matter? Can't handle the truth?" said Kiso, smirking

Kaston remained silent

"Poor little emotional guy." Kiso said, grinning

"Stop talking to me like that, I AM YOUR LEADER!" yelled Kaston

She grins and says "I don't think they made it clear just who I am, I'm the kind of person who will tell you what I think, even if you don't want to know what I think, and if you don't like that, you can shut the ******** up and die in some hobo's rotted a** wart."

Kaston just decides being quiet is best.

Elesariko then calls Kaston

"Kaston, I need you and your team in here immediately." Elesariko ordered

Kaston replied, "Affirmative, we will be there immediately."

They arrive.. All you really have to do is make a scene break. You don't have to tell us that they arrived, we can already draw that inference if you just break the scene. You can end it with a '---' and then start where the next paragraph begins.

Also, this dialogue is very stiff. I'm not very good at explaining how to make your characters and your story come to life, but everything seems very forced and not natural.

"We have reports of a new Valton Rebellion attack on a city on Risoka V," Elesariko reported, bringing up pictures on a large screen

The pictures show Valton Rebellion units raiding the streets, beating down the police and military in the area, then a bank set on fire by a rocket propelled grenade, then a store blown apart by explosives... then a picture of a unit that catches Kaston's attention.....

".... Otirus?!" Says Kaston, disturbed

Elesariko stared at Kaston, "Kaston, we all know you miss your brother, but by no means is that unit him."

"... I see ..." said Kaston, still believing it is his brother

"You will be moving out tomorrow, at 9:00 AM." Elesariko explained.

~ The next day ~

Kaston stood before a large dropship, this would be their convoy of sorts, carrying several land vehicles inside, weapons, and soon, troopers.

Kaston watched his team board the ship, with several other units, before he stepped on board...

The ship left the base, Valsako stood at one of the bay windows, watching the stars and planets drift by, still not saying a word, except for minor whispers....

"I promise you... no one will claim revenge other than I, I don't care who I must murder to complete this goal." he whispered

"What the ******** is the retard saying to himself?" asked Kiso

"That's his business." Kaston said

- 11 hours later ~ - Risoka V, Outside the Capital City

The dropship landed, Kaston and his crew left the dropship, with Convoys, Tanks, Jeeps, APCs (Armored Personnel Carriers), and some helicopters...

They needed to have as much firepower as they could get.... but also needed to keep stealth with it, They quickly found out how terribly the two mix...

"Everyone cease movement." ordered Kaston "These vehicles cause too much sound, they would detect us immediately."

"You have a solution? Or are we just ********?" asked Kiso

"Yes, I have a solution... I will move in alone, and take out all scouts and snipers myself, once the area is secure, I will contact the rest of you, and order you to move in, with an all-out assault." Kaston explained

"And you think they won't notice a bunch of dead bodies laying around?" Kiso questioned

"Their scouts and snipers would be far apart from each other, and out of view of the other units, their whole purpose is to see what the others don't, and be in areas the others don't go to." Kaston explained

"Whatever, just get it over with." Kiso said

Kaston equipped himself with a few weapons, and moved in...

First he needed to get past the city's walls, without getting seen, and without his way of entering be noticed.

He then noticed an underground entry, closed by a iron door, which could only be opened from the outside...

Kaston waited for a VR unit to come out, and ran for it, quietly passed the units, and got inside before the door closed.

Kaston drew a silenced Glock-18, and took cover behind some crates as 5 VR units came by, he waited for them to pass, then made a run for the outside.

He came out, and immediately jumped behind a car, avoiding being seen.

He sneaked around the car, and climbed the ladder of the wall, and stood at the top, then reached a tower....

He shot both snipers in the back of the head then turned, and saw something he wasn't expecting....

A unit aiming an AK-74 right at him... the unit said only a few words through his helmet...

"Hello.... my brother."

Kaston stared at Otirus.... disturbed... "You... you're one of them now?!"

"I'm not just one of them..." said Otirus, lifting his helmet and grinning... "I'm their leader, and founder."

Kaston backed up... aiming his Glock...

Otirus smirked, and stared right at Kaston... "You really think that little handgun is a match for an assault rifle? Not only are you overpowered, Kaston, you are out skilled."

"I don't die standing." Kaston said in a cold voice

Kaston went to fire, no sooner, Otirus shot the pistol right out of his hand...

Kaston looked at him with a shocked look...

"I do not need these weapons.." said Otirus, tossing his rifle... "I can kill you on my own, easily."

The two dueled...

Kaston came with his leg, aimed at Otirus's face, Otirus grabbed Kaston's leg, and flung Kaston over his shoulder, Kaston attempted to break the impact but failed and faceplanted a wall, as Kaston slowly got back up, Otirus attempted to kick Kaston in the forehead, Kaston quickly rolled, and drew his knife as he quickly got up, Otirus turned and saw the knife, Otirus lunged to steal it, Kaston dodged and swung the knife, cutting Otirus's wrist a bit, Otirus winced only for a moment as he felt his blood leak from the open wound, and onto his clothing. Kaston went to stab Otirus in the heart, Otirus grabbed Kaston's wrist, stopping the knife barely an inch from his chest, Kaston struggled to keep the knife, but Otirus was stronger, and forced it from his hands, followed by a direct kick to Kaston's stomach, so hard that it sent him to the ground, Otirus aimed the knife, grinning...

"I've had worse than these small wounds, Kaston, you are weak, you are incompetent... I hereby disown you as being my brother, and hereby kill you as a traitor!" Otirus said, pulling the knife back...

Kaston looked for his pistol, it was too far away... he looked up... the blade rushing straight at his head... he closed his eyes... knowing what was about to happen...

Just as the knife was about to make contact....

a loud gunshot went off, echoing off the walls... "Did Otirus decide to shoot me versus stab me?" "Did someone give mercy to me?" just two of many questions rushing through Kaston's mind... he opened his eyes to see the answer...

In front of him, stood Kiso, her P2000 smoking, and Otirus laying a pool of his own blood, the knife being impaled in the wall...

"I saw that guy fighting you... and came to help. Looks like it was a good thing I did." said Kiso, smiling

"I suspect this means you'll be criticizing me more..." said Kaston

"Why would I? You only successfully did the wrong moves and nearly got yourself killed... what's to criticize?"

Kaston just shook his head, saying "This is no time for judgement, I need to do what I came here to do. You go back to the others."

"Kaston, you nearly got your lame a** killed while fighting that guy, I am coming with you..." Said Kiso

"You speak as if you actually care." Said Kaston, glaring.

"I honestly don't, I'm just stuck with the job of being your teammate. You're s**t to me otherwise." Said Kiso, grinning.

"Very well, views aside, it is our duty to do this, now lets get going." ordered Kaston, leaving no room for more insults as he ran off toward the city.

They knew Otirus had alerted the others already, so there was no sense in using stealth... they needed to take this place by storm, hard and fast.

Unknown to them, Kiso's bullet was not enough to fatally wound Otirus, for after they left, he quickly got back up, and called a medical team... already plotting his vengeance...

Kaston ran and took cover behind some crates, he peeked over and saw 3 soldiers. He took each down, firing 3 quick shots from his silenced Glock-18.

Kiso then ran by, holstering her P2000 and drawing an M16. She peeked through the windows of a nearby building, and saw 2 more units, quickly taking them down with her rifle.

Kiso then bashed the door down and moved in, Kaston moved in from the side.

Kiso looked up the stairs and killed a unit coming down them, Kaston turned to the kitchen and killed two units set up in ambush position, Kiso then began checking for survivors... not noticing the Valton Rebellion unit coming up from the crates...

Kaston yelled "GET DOWN!!!" just as the unit fired... You should also be careful about extensive !!!!! or ????. It just looks messy.

As I was reading through, my comments are generally the same - just be sure to watch out for too much exposition. Right now I feel you're telling the audience what is happening rather than telling them a story. Read it over and see if sounds stiff to you. Also watch for proper dialogue/sentence structure, punctuation, and maybe work on your characters a bit more - right now they seem like they might be still in the rough stages of development.


Hopefully this helps, and good luck! <3