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 Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2006 7:29 am
I'm an idiot. It's that plain and simple. And each and every time I say that and tell this story to random friends and junk, I start to feel a little better about it. Note that I don't blame Gene for any of my unhappiness. It was never his fault.
I was so used to having everything my way, in the fat years, as I call those lovely years in which I was over 170 pounds. I was used to guys not liking me. It was so less complicated. Something I should have realized about myself, before I started dating guys at all, was that I'm an independent sort. I can't deal with guys holding me down. But I was alone for all those fat years, so I was ready to adventure in my own sort of way and have the comfort and company of all the guys I wanted. I got attached to a few, fell in love with the rest. Blah blah. But when I had boyfriends, I was always tied down. I always messed up with them, or got tired of them, or took something they did and broke up with them because of it. I didn't realize why all my relationships don't last until yesterday.
Gene wasn't my problem and in fact, I'm pretty sure I can't fix it without him. But when I called him to apologize and see what he thought, he told me flat out that he wasn't going to play the get back together and break up game with me. I totally understand that. I don't hate him for that. It hurts me. And I have no one to blame but myself. I think there's no chance of him ever taking me back, and it saddens me that I did that.
After we hung up last night, I sat for an hour in my bed and cried myself to sleep whispering and sobbing, "Oh my god." and "You're such a dumbass." Which is how I nicely translated, I'm an idiot, into simple terms and a nice little story. So there you go, I screwed up the best thing that ever happened to me. I've put myself in some kind of perpetual funk and I effectively broke the man I love's heart. Special, no?
"Ocean" was written for him. If he ever sees, good for him.
When I was alone that night, thinking of ways to get him back. Like giving up my friends, becoming devoted only for him, begging for mercy...I realized that none of that would be any use. If he really wanted me, he would come for me. And if he's content to letting go, then I must do the same, if I really love him. It'll be easier to be his friend again, when I manage to forgive myself. That might be a while. Until then, I don't know how to face him. To even look at him. I can't. There's no way to reconcile this. There's no possible way I shall ever fully forgive myself for what I have done.
I, Carley, screwed up the best thing that ever happened to me. And not all the damn apologies in the world. Not all the clouds in the sky. Nor the blades of grass all over our green earth. Not all the tears I can give, or the weight I could lose, is ever, ever going to change that.
I'm an idiot. But as I said to many before him. "All I need to do now, is exsist."
Ocean
I'm not happy and the reason
Has eluded me until now.
I'm glad you're happy, but I
Am not happy at all you see,
There's an ocean between us.
Because I can't figure out
Why I am unhappy, and I
Start to think it's your fault.
Can you forgive me? Now
That I've figured it all out,
And it's not your fault at all.
I've been so stupid with you,
Please take me back, I forgive
You for the small things
You've done. But now I
Know it's too late, you've
Moved on from me, and
This big ocean is some-
Thing I cannot breach.
You've been gone away,
All away from me.
Note: I decided it's best that I'm not going back out with him. If he loved me the way he claimed, then the mistakes I made wouldn't have even mattered...
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Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2006 7:39 am
You're not an idiot. We do all make mistakes and let me tell ya. I ahve made some BIG ones and screwed up relationships and friendships. It's how we learn from them that is important. You realize your faults and how you trust guys. It's something you need to work on before getting into a relationship again and if you do get into one let him know that this is how you are and see if he can help. Sometimes talking about it and asking for help can be the best thing. Trust me, you're NOT an idiot and you're NOT alone.
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Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2006 7:46 am
Stupidity is just a name given by those who do not understand...
It sounds only like a regretable mistake, society understands but seems as though they don't simply because they look better when they don't care.
All in all, do not dwell on something that only makes you sadder, that is wasted time. Instead, use that time to further better yourself.
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Posted: Wed Mar 22, 2006 2:57 pm
you're definately not stupid!i've done more stupid things in my life (which i wont say sorry) but n/e ways there will be others for you to love and care for, so if it doesnt work out with this guy...there will be others (or one other)
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