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 Posted: Sun Jul 03, 2011 9:40 pm
Currently, I am 21 but my birthday is in a few weeks. Since middle school, I have been going through some rough patches. I have done things against the For Strength of Youth and against the standards of the Church. I'm sure it's nothing to be excommunicated for. At least, at this point, I hope not. I don't want to say anything for fear some one I know will see this and think of me differently. Sadly, word travels fast in the church.
I have been to at least five different bishops about my problem. I have come clean, repented, done everything which ever bishop I was talking to at the time would tell me to do. One even said I couldn't partake of church ordinances for 6 months, including the sacrament. In the beginning, it hurt. But I, eventually, got through it. I went back to the same bishop and everything was well. I went back to school. However, with every bishop, no matter how much time past, I would always go back to my problem.
I would mess up again. And again. And again. I don't think myself as an addict. It's not an everyday thing. My thoughts are on it a lot. It seems hard to read my scriptures or even pray. I feel a if Heavenly Father is tired of listening to me, asking for forgiveness or even asking for help. I seem to always let him down. To mess up.
The last time I went to my bishop was, I believe, two years ago and then I messed up almost a year after that. I know what I did was wrong. I know what I need to do to fix it but I'm scared. I'm afraid whoever I talk to will tell me I'm excommunicated because I keep messing up.
Now, I'm in a Single's Branch. It's small and I'm still trying to make friends. I hardly know the Branch President. I know who he is since I see him a lot at church (duh) but I don't have that connection with him. That may sound weird, but I don' t know if I can go to him. He doesn't know anything about me. Though, I'm not really sure if that would even make a difference.
Then, on top of that, I'm afraid that, even after clearing all of this up, I will mess up. Again. I don't want to mess up again but it happens. One night, I was tempted. Badly. It was almost as if something really dark was trying almost everything to tempt me. But I could hear in my mind "Say a prayer. Say a prayer," over and over again. I didn't listen.
I used to feel close to the church but I feel as if I've fallen away. I still go to church. I still try. I don't want to become inactive though, I think, sometimes my parents think I'm trying to be. I go church activities like Institute and church on Sundays. Even to some Institute activities.
I've been looking for a job since I got back from BYU in April. Somehow, I feel it's connected. That I won't get a job until I a.) get this cleaned up and b.) ask for it.
But I don't know how I can ask when I don't know the Branch Pres. And even if I go to him, I'm afraid of messing up and going through this cycle ALL over again. Plus, the last bishop for my ward in Idaho was not very loving. He was more about the rules then actually having a connection with the members. I didn't feel loved by my bishop like I usually do. It was the main reason why I didn't go to.
I just don't know what to do. I have prayed for strength to actually meet with him and talk to him about this but I don't feel I can. I know what I should do. There's no question about that. I just don't know how to go about this. I've been to, at least, five bishops and each time it gets harder and harder telling them the things that I've done because 1.) it's kind of embarrassing and 2.) it always feels awkward talking about it; even if I'm crying about it.
Please, guys. I need words of strength and understanding. If you have stories, feel free to tell if you feel like you want or need to. I just need some guidance on this.
Thanks
~Elphy
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 1:00 pm
Everyone had their vices, even the best or the worst of us. I will share a little story with you.
I was the "good girl" in school. Don't get me wrong, I did my share of trouble-making, but it was all fun and not really too over the line. I had friends in and outside the church and figured my life was pretty much black and white....
Then I turned 19 and moved out...
I realized I was living the standards not because I wanted to, but because I was expected to. I ended up involved with a boy at my singles branch much more than I should have. We went to the branch pres and he said as long as we didn't do it again (I'll let you read that however you want) we were alright. But it was still on my mind. I broke up with him and moved on, but the thought followed me for years, clear until I met my husband.
And guess what, I did it again. This time I married the guy. We cleaned up our act and even got married in the temple.
Those act still haunt our marriage though. Not in a bad way, just as a reminder that we aren't perfect. When we were getting married, I went to see my bishop. I had been in the ward two weeks and didn't know him from John Doh. You know what, he was supprisingly insightful. He didn't know me, true, but that actually helped us discuss what was going on without my past coloring either of our vision.
Hope this helps :3
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Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2011 3:37 am
Wowww, I have not been in this guild in a SUPER long time...
For some reason I felt compelled to check it out, and even though it's 3AM and I have to wake up in 4 hours, I feel like I should say something to you.
I wish I could say I have a similar story because I know it helps hearing from others who have been in similar situations. What I can tell you, however, is that what you're doing is incredibly admirable and takes a lot of strength. You have the courage to go to the bishop each time. Although you went through cycles where you messed up, the point is you still went back because you felt the desire to repent. That takes a lot of strength. Not many people can do that.
I have a cousin who has maybe experienced similar things as you and I've had some tearful discussions with her as I plead for her to start going back to church because I know it'll make her happier in life. Her whole family has slowly been drifting away and so it's hard for her to find support, and although I live only 45 min. away from her, I don't get to see her that often. She too has done some things she shouldn't have and I've suggested that she approach her bishop about it because he could help her more than I. I have suggested it multiple times and she refuses each time. She says that she doesn't feel as if she can trust her bishop. I've never met him so I can't know for certain. If it is true then it is sad, and I've even told her to go to her stake president (she also steered away from that). But I'm also not sure if it is not true and she is just seeing herself as the victim in any situation (as she has had a history of doing) involving her bishop.
Maybe start slow with this branch president. I'm not sure how you've gone about it in the past, but maybe try asking if you can meet just so he can get to know you. Start with the basics. When you start feeling more comfortable with him, maybe then you'll want to ask him for help with your deeper issues.
The Lord never gets tired of hearing your prayers. He is our loving Heavenly Father. Just like any other father, He wants to hear from us, see if we're doing alright, see if there's anything He can help us with. If you are going through a rough time, His heart hurts for you. Fathers are interesting figures. They share their wisdom with us and discipline us so that we may become better people, but they are also incredibly loving. Fathers hate to see their children get hurt. Heavenly Father is the same. If He could, He would reach down and scoop you right up into His arms, but He knows that the trials you're going through will shape you and that these tests of your faith will help you to grow closer to Him. Keep praying to Him. Think of it like your phone call at the end of the day; you can bet He's anxious to hear from you.
Again, I want to let you know that I am incredibly amazed at all you've done to try and stay on the right path. You have set an example for me. I only hope that when I go through similar trials in the future, I can have the desire to change and the courage to approach my bishop like you. I'm a shy person so I know it would be hard for me. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope at least some of my words may have helped you in some way. At least know that there is one more person who wants you to live a happy life. I will pray for you! Keep it up!
Love,
Lestelle
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