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Tried to re-create the magic I had for my WWE:E promo

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Harli_Nightmare

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 3:06 am


I feel this wasn't as good as the WWE:E promo with Harli and Emily but I feel this is still a step up from alot my previous promo's.

http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?page=1&t=21696721#310373437

Hopefully with Emily's appearance in this promo, it could lead to a decent match between these two http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=21696053&_gaia_t_=1272&page=last
PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 6:25 am


Truth be told, I wasn't a huge fan of this promo.

- I don't particularly like the approach to the Banshee gimmick - and it wasn't particularly subtle. Instead of her simply stating "oh hey, I'm a Banshee," it could be a little more subdued in her approach. Hint at it, don't state it, it sounds silly.

- Harli's role in the promo seemed kind of pointless, as he said nothing of worth and only served to make cringe-worthy moments with her. If he's going to manage her, he should at least say... something noteworthy about her. She seems like a very clingy lover. Maybe she hypnotized him? Is he under a spell? Is she crazy and obsessed with him, and that's why she's there/he's there? You should expand on their relationship, like you did in your other promo.

I know I'm being very picky here. The promo was not bad. Just not... Awesome. I really liked the last one, but this one didn't do it for me. I hope this criticism helps, I don't mean to offend.

The second promo was quite good, but I don't think the last line with the health insurance gag fitted her at all. The "heart" imagery was pretty good though. All in all, not bad.

On a side note, Savannah's promo was pretty awesome.

Extremist-Saint-Joey


Harli_Nightmare

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 12:55 pm


Extremist-Saint-Joey
Truth be told, I wasn't a huge fan of this promo.

- I don't particularly like the approach to the Banshee gimmick - and it wasn't particularly subtle. Instead of her simply stating "oh hey, I'm a Banshee," it could be a little more subdued in her approach. Hint at it, don't state it, it sounds silly.

- Harli's role in the promo seemed kind of pointless, as he said nothing of worth and only served to make cringe-worthy moments with her. If he's going to manage her, he should at least say... something noteworthy about her. She seems like a very clingy lover. Maybe she hypnotized him? Is he under a spell? Is she crazy and obsessed with him, and that's why she's there/he's there? You should expand on their relationship, like you did in your other promo.

I know I'm being very picky here. The promo was not bad. Just not... Awesome. I really liked the last one, but this one didn't do it for me. I hope this criticism helps, I don't mean to offend.

The second promo was quite good, but I don't think the last line with the health insurance gag fitted her at all. The "heart" imagery was pretty good though. All in all, not bad.

On a side note, Savannah's promo was pretty awesome.
No, thanks for that, man. I'll take this advice for future promo's, I was kind of going back and rethinking things over but decided not to edit it. I guess I should have gone over it again, but thanks again for the advice
PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2011 11:35 am


Extremist-Saint-Joey

On a side note, Savannah's promo was pretty awesome.


Thanks Joey, I try xd

Now, on to feedback about the promo, Harli: I agree with Joey that Harli didn't have an important part in the promo and could have probably been removed entirely and the promo would have been more or less the same. Also, there's a classic writer's rule called "show, don't tell" that applies here; if her gimmick is to be a banshee, convey that in other ways and maybe only use the word "banshee" at the end, and don't call her that directly in the first promo.

As for the second one, taking Sav out of it (she and Emily didn't really interact in it), the first thing I'd say is a replay of an entire promo from earlier in the night is usually not needed.In fact the debut would have been better served without it. I'll also agree with Joey that Emily doesn't seem like the type of character who'd be making jokes; that health insurance line did come off as rather strange.

I'm pretty critical but there's some good material in there, it maybe just needs a bit of refining.

FuriousSeahorse

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