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 Posted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 9:53 am
Dear Journal,
It has been so long since I have written, I once feared that my fingers may have forgotten the way. But not so. And sometimes I wish they HAD forgotten. I am no more who I used to be. Death upon death had been put... nay, HEAPED upon me, and my shoulders are too weak to bear the burden. I turned to drugs. To rape. To anything and everything to try and make the hurt vanish. Abandoned. Cast-off. Repudiated. And I know, nothing intentionally - but the ache does not lesson for all that I know it should. I am sad, sick, and less than sane. I need help - before I do something to myself that either of my fathers would be... aggrieved of. They are gone now - good souls both. Arrikanez to an assasin's blade, and Mekt to said agenda's arrow through the heart. It pains me to think on it, and I will not dwell in the past. I have heard things... horrible things... about my beloved, sweet Nalira. About her mother, the kind, caring soul that once took both myself and my father in without coercion, or need for commitment. Lemonlime in a Coma. And Nalira... gods I wish I could see her.
I had a dream... a dream where I was talking with Lemonlime... and she told me that Nalira needs someone to save her. I said then, and I will most certainly say now.... How can I save HER - when I cannot save MYSELF? I am a wreck - a peaceless, restless, emotional and physical wreck. I do not know how much longer my body can sustain itself - but I know.. that if Nalira still... still is there for me.. then I must plod on, move through the grief, and emerge from the other side. I cannot let her down - and that is the only reason I will not let myself die.
~ Andrael
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 6:16 am
This thing HAS to be older than sin.
Hi, Journal.
Aaron Arrikanez here, Mekt's father [and soon to be jailer - -]. Zael and I found Andrael about a day ago, and have him in our care now. The kid's an absolute mess. Screwed up in the head, on drugs, drinking, unhealthy, and depressed. But I suppose that last goes along with 'screwed up in the head' - doesn't it?
Anyway - WE will be taking care of him from now on, since our sons decided to run away, elope, whatever you want to call it. Poor kid..
We're taking him to Dragon this evening, so hopefully everything'll turn out okay. I just know that when I get my hands on Mekt, I'm going to be trying VERY hard not to wring his neck!
- Aaron
- + - + -
Damn it all to hell...
Hello tome of unkept memories,
You would not know me for who I am, of who I've become - but I am no other than a newly ensnared father of a forgotten story. I am no other than the father of the other who has fled from this life and the lover of the one who has gone so far as to blow the dust from this cover, hoping to find the page where things went so horribly awry. My name is Zael, and as you may have guessed it - I am now one of the caretakers of Andrael.
At least, I became such a time ago. We've had him in our care for a week or so now...Dragon has done his best to purge the system of its toxic parrasites, leaving us the chore of piecing back together a psyche that has been cracked and broken along the way. No one is really sure what the kid has been through, but I think the only way we'll ever know is to follow the stairwell and descend deep into the depths of discarded shards.
As to how deep they go, that remains unseen. However, one of them has already been reforged and Andy has been wakened enough to tell us of his parents neglect, the first few words in a new chapter...We can only pray that this will close the sorrowful account that his life has become, and open a fresh start into what he wants so badly to be.
For now, we keep him close...and now I must close this narrative. I will be writing again soon, but until than...
...this is Zael, signing out.
- + - + -
Hey Journal,
Aaron here again, and typing on the go - so to speak. Me, Zael, Dragon, Ben, hell - EVERYONE - had to pack up and move. And for a good cause. Heh - our land had been contaminated for a hella long time before this, and Dragon just found that out. It's the reason all of us are so sick all the time. So we're moving. The entire family. It seems to be doing Andi some good, to tell you the truth. He's not complained once, and actually seems to be helping with the daily chores without my having to stand on his back to complete them. We're doing some on-the-road schooling as well. Zael's teaching him to swordfight, I'm teaching him some of the finer points of using a gun. Dragon's got him learning the core stuff - Math, Reading, Writing, that sort of thing. He seems to really be into mystery novels. It's something to keep in mind.
Halloween's coming up in Gaia, and therefore, The Feast of Souls is also coming up. We had to cancel plans WAY early. We won't be in Kem for the celebrations. Not that it matters.
- Aaron
- + - + -
Hey Journal,
Here we are, settled down all cozy in the new place. Construction is finished, and the whole town looks great. We've decked out everything for Xalneas, and its almost upon us - the start of it anyway. There's not much to it that we're missing. Except, perhaps, some of the gifts. I have mine stashed away. And I know where Dragon is hiding his. But I make it my challenge every year to find the rest of the hiding places. So far, I've not succeeded once. At any rate. Andrael is settling in quite nicely. I think he's found someone he fancies. Not another of his kind, but still... Anyway. I need to get going - there's things that need to get done, and Zael is waiting for me to hurry up and do them. Not that I mind. It's been a wonderful year, and I couldn't hope for much more, in terms of how lucky I am. It's really been something of a blessing, what with all the good things that have happened to me this year. Adios for now!
- Aaron
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Posted: Thu Oct 12, 2006 6:23 am
Damn it all to hell...
Hello tome of unkept memories,
You would not know me for who I am, of who I've become - but I am no other than a newly ensnared father of a forgotten story. I am no other than the father of the other who has fled from this life and the lover of the one who has gone so far as to blow the dust from this cover, hoping to find the page where things went so horribly awry. My name is Zael, and as you may have guessed it - I am now one of the caretakers of Andrael.
At least, I became such a time ago. We've had him in our care for a week or so now...Dragon has done his best to purge the system of its toxic parrasites, leaving us the chore of piecing back together a psyche that has been cracked and broken along the way. No one is really sure what the kid has been through, but I think the only way we'll ever know is to follow the stairwell and descend deep into the depths of discarded shards.
As to how deep they go, that remains unseen. However, one of them has already been reforged and Andy has been wakened enough to tell us of his parents neglect, the first few words in a new chapter...We can only pray that this will close the sorrowful account that his life has become, and open a fresh start into what he wants so badly to be.
For now, we keep him close...and now I must close this narrative. I will be writing again soon, but until than...
...this is Zael, signing out.
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Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 1:22 pm
Dear Journal,
It is Andrael here, for once, and not my beloved Guardians. I have been receiving treatment for depression and anxiety - as well as some generalized drug therapy for whatever leftover addictions I may have. While not the ideal course of action in my book, it is safe to assume my book is a bit skewed in view DUE to said addictions. While the procedure is not painful, it reminds me too much of other things, and most times they have to knock me out, or I start to panic. As such, I have become quite used to taking shots and the like whenever I have to be put under. And I must say, waking up to a familiar and caring face is something the definitely makes the experience more tolerable. I have started writing to Nalira... I hope she's doing alright. And I hope she remembers me...
- Andrael
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Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 9:37 pm
Quote: Dear Nalira,
It's amazing how times passes and memories fade and die - isn't it? You probably don't even recognize who I am, but I thought I'd write you to let you know that I'm... not... dead, or other such things. I am living with a man named Aaron at the moment, and his brother Zael. I believe they are lovers as well, but I won't get into that. It's been a long time since I have been able to feel anything but numb towards the world. But keeping busy, and having other things to think about has definitely improved that. I won't say that I am 'cured' of depression or grief. That will never be so, I fear. But I know in my heart that someday even those will fade, and I will be left as I am - naked to the world once more, as I was before everything began. As it is, it has taken so long for me to regain the proper use of my hands, that this will be my first time writing in literal months. I don't think I've ever WRITTEN you a letter before. I send you my words, because I miss you. Even if you do not remember what you did for me, or what you were to me, I still do. And I am very much in need of a friend right now. Mind you, it's not that my new fathers treat me roughly. No, not at all. Actually, I'm fairly spoiled by them. It is merely the thought of being alone that makes my nights just that bit more dark, and the tales of terror told around campfires that much more real. I don't really know an easy way to say something like this. I am in dire need of companionship - and even though I realize I have been out of your life for far too long, I was wondering if you might do me the honor of letting me take you to lunch or dinner at some point, to catch up, and attempt to explain myself. If you don't have the time, or you don't wish to be bothered with my presence, all I ask in return for this letter, is a letter in reply. How are you doing? Has that mutt given you any more trouble? Do you still wear your hair long? If there is anything that it is in my power to do for you, I will not hesitate to do it. I only wish that contact had been re-initiated sooner.
Your Friend Ever,
'Andi' Quote: Andrael,
I haven't been awake for long, I think maybe two hours, maybe three. I forget. Whatever, the point is, I haven't been awake for long. I passed out a little while ago. The ground is cold and glass is digging into my back. You know, I think I've come to a conclusion about life, and it's a pretty good conclusion, so you listen and you respect it, because I did not wake up to write this letter to a wall.
So get your pens and pencils ready and listen up, because here it is. My conclusion about life, about everything, about - ********, are you even reading this? Oh, nevermind. I'm looking over your letter again. I guess I'd better answer some of your questions, huh?
I can't say I remember who you are, exactly - too much has happened. The name rings a bell. Maybe if I meet you again I'll recognize you. Whatever. You're living with someone else, now? What happened to your what, mother? Father? Whoever you were living with?
And as for how I'm doing: I'm drinking and prostituting. I don't have a house so I'm sleeping on the streets (unless I'm staying at Chailyn's house). My mother's in a coma and I've started using drugs. Yes, a ******** junkie. I'd ******** away my dignity for a temporary high.
And as long as your paying, dinner sounds good.
Nalira. Quote: Dear Nalira,
My gods... I hadn't realized what had happened to you in my absence. If you need a place to stay, by all means, tell me. My fathers are more than willing to take in my friends when they are in need. As to my other fathers.... You already know about the death of my first - and Mekt [Aaron's son] was not around enough to give me the sort of attention I needed to spring me from my low point. So Aaron took matters into his own hands, and here I am. I'm mentally stable, and likely to remain so as long as the rest of my life lasts.
You're on drugs? ... Is there any way I can convince you to come and see me? Or for me to come and see YOU? I have a feeling we have a lot to talk about. There's so much we need to discuss and so much catching up to do. Gods. I can't believe it's been nearly a year and a half since I saw you. Time seems to fly when things aren't going quite your way. I need to see you. I really need to see you. And it sounds a little like you need to see me - if only to remember what I am, who I am rather.
And yes - I'll be buying. But I think we should arrange a place to meet ASAP. I don't like the idea of you out in the cold and the damp. Especially not in the streets... I was there more than enough to know that it's far better to be in a nice warm home than out there doing whatever it takes to survive.
Yours Ever,
Andi
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Posted: Thu Nov 01, 2007 6:09 am
Silent Tomb of Thoughts Unmeasured...
I have wandered the halls like a ghost. I have faded into the background. I fear that soon, there will be nothing left of me but the memory. My story... Nothing has become of me. I still wait here. I hold the hope that one day... one day I will be remembered. But should I try and turn into that light of friendship again - with anyone - I am sure that not even my name would surrender to the lips of those I once loved. Still love.
I have fallen ill. It is a lingering disease, dire in nature. And yet, not one soul knows of it. I wish there was someone I could tell... anyone. But as I said before - the memories of myself have long gone from the minds of those I called friend. I have grown weak. Pale. A skeleton of my former physique. I am but a ghost bound in thin flesh, a soul whom not even death would touch. I sit here... thinking... contemplating what life is, and what it means to be lonely. I am - Lonely - I ache for a warm breath, a soft touch, a caress... an embrace. But silence greets my longing. I have been gone from the world too long. Pain greets me every time I open the windows to my soul, and lulls me to sleep each night. A malingering thing.
I look at my hands as I write. Flesh has long since fled any residence there. I am looking into my own demise when I glance in a mirror. My eyes so deeply sunk into my skull, they could be sockets. My bones clearly evident. ... My fathers think I am dead. It is what I have lead them to believe. I have seen the tomb erected with my own eyes... It seems as though they have forgot me. Though not I, them.
Daylight will come soon. I would that eternal night would cover these lands to hide me from eyes that mock. But I will play my role. In good weather or in foul. I will wander the streets. Wraith that I am. I will search for... for something I have lost. I will search for love. I will search for that which I have never obtained. A fruitless search... I know that. A search that can only end in tears. I will wander the streets. Mayhaps death will find me there. Mayhaps life. It no longer matters to me. I am indeed a walking personification of that pale visage no one wishes to see.
I wear white now. So far gone am I that this is all I have. The white and the silence. The fog in the streets. Soon, it will be Christmas here on Gaia. Soon I will be forgotten once more - even to myself. But come, lantern... I must fulfill my part in this morbid production. Should I chance to meet a soul, I shall attempt contact, but.... this is a wish that will never be.
~ Andrael
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