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 Posted: Sat May 07, 2011 11:18 pm
i stand here
not there.
the light is warm, but i feel cold-
just like january,
only its may.
the shadows grow bigger on the pavement
i stand here
not there
the sun is falling, but i still stand
like i'm waiting,
but i'm not.
the shadows are purple on the pavement
i stand here
not there.
the light is gone, but i will not leave
the air is thick
with the sounds of breathing
the shadows come alive on the pavement
i stand here
can't be there
the sun is dead
the air reeks of its death
and hunger
the shadows ate the sun as it fell below the pavement
(Repetition poem, the non-capitalization is a style choice)
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Posted: Sun Jun 19, 2011 4:45 pm
Hello. :] Here are some of my thoughts after reading this:
I love that you chose very catchy and meaningful lines as the main repetition at the beginning of each stanza. I find them very powerful, and that's great.
As far as I'm concerned, most aspects of this make it a very effective repetition poem, including:
-the awesome sense of time I get through the movement of the shadows
-the subtle contrasts between the last stanza and the first three
-the way I didn't feel like it was excessively repetitive at all.
I hope you can tell I really liked it. In the interest of making a helpful critique, though, I also have a few suggestions:
I would love to see what you could do if you put more into the first stanza (mostly lines three, four, and five) than just the warm/cold and January/May bit. You could probably condense these and then add something wonderful yet subtle about the speaker's deeper feelings, situation, etc. On that note, in line 5, do you intend "its" to be written without the apostrophe?
Third line of the second stanza: If you chose "falling" as a double meaning for sunset and the fact that the sun is going to be dead, I love it. If you didn't, I think it would add a lot if you would pick a word which introduces that double meaning into the poem.
Finally: would you like to add a title?
If you have any questions about what I just said, let me know. Also, remember that these are all just my opinion, and you don't have to take any of my suggestions seriously if you don't want to.
-Chi
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