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 Posted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 8:08 pm
“Bruising of the Heart”
By Sarah aka Vampire Girl
April 26, 2011
I feel a tear roll down my cheek
Black with the eyeliner I put on that morning
I rub it and the new tears in my eyes away
Smearing my makeup but not caring
Trying to breathe through the sobs
Gasping for air as if this news is choking me
The sick feeling creeps into my stomach
As I find out something I didn’t want to know
Laying on my bed trying to tune out the world
Curled up in a frightening fetal position
Staring at the phone and waiting painfully
For the slow to come response
I haven’t felt this way in years
I realized though the situation is different
My heart didn’t shatter or even break
But it still hurts a lot
I think I know what being punched in the gut feels like
Only in the heart with a massive bruise as proof
The lies he told ran straight into it
Now my heart bares a mark of black and blue
It will fade soon and become only a memory
But at the moment it stings like hell
Comment please?
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Posted: Fri Apr 29, 2011 3:35 pm
It's straight, simple, to the point, and full of the sensation of pain so that there's no doubt as to how you feel, but you keep us reading so that we have to find out why you feel that way. Good.
I had a couple questions:
"As I find out someone I didn’t want to know"
Did you mean "something?"
And "My heart didn’t shatter or even broken"; you might want to consider replacing "broken" with "break", so you don't have to add extra verbs if you don't want to.
All in all, not some century-rendering-moment-of-history-sonnet. But a good poem that was pretty well done, displays emotion well, and that many can relate to.
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Posted: Wed May 04, 2011 7:29 pm
Aloysia Bloodfur It's straight, simple, to the point, and full of the sensation of pain so that there's no doubt as to how you feel, but you keep us reading so that we have to find out why you feel that way. Good.
I had a couple questions:
"As I find out someone I didn’t want to know"
Did you mean "something?"
And "My heart didn’t shatter or even broken"; you might want to consider replacing "broken" with "break", so you don't have to add extra verbs if you don't want to.
All in all, not some century-rendering-moment-of-history-sonnet. But a good poem that was pretty well done, displays emotion well, and that many can relate to. thanks for catching the mistakes! i corrected them
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