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 Posted: Sun Apr 01, 2007 10:52 pm
It's really late so I'm going to hope to make this short.
I don't think I was trying to be sarcastic. It was more a comment on the fact that in my opinion, you lead a very interesting life. I mean, you went and saw a concert for one... The last time I saw a real concert was... hmm... let's see... Incubus. The last time I did anything with anyone away from school... I went and saw 300 a week and a half ago with my friend Cameron... Besides that I haven't seen anyone not at school, probably for 2 or 3 weeks... So comparitively speaking... your life is too interesting. Not that I particularly mind my incredably mundane life or anything, nor do I begrudge you the actually doing stuff and having friends of yours. Actually, ******** my "friends". That's why that word doesn't have any meaning to me.
My school... sucks. It's very ridged. But in that typical kind of way, not like actually strict. They just have a lot of rules for everything. And the classes are generally stupid. But I guess it's very little work, especially homework, so that's okay I guess. It's the kind of school where I would rather skip class and go to library then actually stay in class... But I sit and think about stuff. A lot of the people there are slaves to tradition. But I guess most people are. I guess it's not very clicky, but maybe it is, I've never really noticed. Mostly the people there are ugly and fake, but in a nice, non-confrontational way. So I berate people sometimes, knowing they won't do anything about it. It's a very negative environment, but I guess that's a good tool for growth.
I don't know anything about my neighborhood. Middle class suburbia I guess. Nice and white. A lot of pick up trucks and SUVs. My friend Jess use to live in it, but he move into the dorm when he went to college. Me and my sister walked to the end of it a couple weeks ago and it is actually a pretty huge neighborhood as the ones that I've seen go. But I mean, I don't really talk to any of my neighbors ever and make an effort not to have to interact with them at all... I've never really thought about "my neighborhood" before. I just think of it as my house being on a street, not really a part of anything.
I can sort of relate to that depression thing... But at this point I haven't been depressed in the same way for a while... Things have just seemed pretty shitty for a long time and I've sort of accepted that things are shitty and that's okay with me, so depressing has sort of become normal so I'm not really depressed anymore.
Oh, and what I've heard of the Strokes I've liked pretty well. I know a lot of people who love them. And Linkin Park is not bad. Reanimation was a great album. It's just that Hybrid Theory and Meteor sounded... exactly the same. Which was pretty good until it just got sort of boring. And I've only heard like 2 of POD's songs. I mean, "back in the day", I didn't even listen to music, so I guess anything is better than that...
Explain that whole nationalism thing that you mentioned. What about your school and neighborhood? And how would you define "cool". Because I was thinking about it, and I can't really think of anything that is cool... Besides being in a band. And also, what was the last dream that you remember?
I'm in the mood for a big name general admission concert... But that won't be happening any time soon... Maybe this summer or something... The Volta show sounded really cool... And yes, guys are dicks... but I'm understanding more and more that it's not "guys" so much as people... Guys just are much more straitforward about their dicktitude.
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Posted: Mon Apr 02, 2007 7:43 pm
Can I text message you, or does that annoy you? Im a text addict.
My problem is I dont have friends at school. Everyone knows who I am because Im a "noticable person" and I look very...different from everyone else. I have probably 10 close friends at school (keep in mind this is out of 2500 people). All of my closest friends go to other schools, live in other states, or have graduated.
My school is best described as ghetto. Its at the top of a gigantic hill, and the weather is always different from the rest of the city. The campus is beautiful, but people trash it because its considered gangsta. We call it the fashion school because everyone dresses up just to hang around. Basically there are no white people, no rules, and everyone cuts class. I used to hate it with a passion...but now Im past the point of caring. There are no "preps" or emos because there are no white people (besides me and a few other people). I like that. But I wish I wasnt so submerged in rap culture. Peoples friends and family get shot all the time, they play bad gangster rap over the speakers, and only AP students want to learn. At lunch I go to clubs (some that I co-created) or I hang out with my friend Chrissy. I dont reallt fit in there. My biggest problem is Ive been seriously stalked by 3 guys. One was expelled for pulling a knife on someone, one I dont see anymore, and one is...drumroll...a teacher. Ive also been marked unaproachable because Ive turned 5 guys down. What people dont know is one was gay, one was the kid who was expelled, one cheated on me in our prior relationship, another was a d**k...the last one I liked but bad things happened. So basically people only approach me with caution or as fake friends.
My neighborhood is nice. Its in a deeply wooded canyon. At the top there is an old quary where people hold pagen rituals. They even made labyrinths. Thats where I go to purify my soul and talk to people. Whenever I make a new friend I take them up to Sibley (the quary) and say "tell me your life story and your beliefs." I live in a very strange place. Its in the city, but not really a part of it. Its also severely racialy divided. Its nothing like suburbia but its also not like a city street.
Nationalism. I am Israeli, hence I am extremely nationalistic. Its odd...you could never tell my heritage by looking at me because I have blue eyes and light hair and winter white skin. I also have a small pretty nose... Basically the exact opposite of the stereotype.
I dont think I can convey to you how hard it is to live in America and not be christian. I mean, people dont even consider me to be white. I dont really care, but its horrible how unaccepting people are of other religions and races. I know first hand what its like to be persecuted.
I could never define cool. There really is no such thing, unless you count the Volta.
I know this sounds horrible...but Im actually thinking of going backstage at a concert by means of boobage. Idk...I feel like I should start taking advantage. But Id hate to be a whore.
The last dream I remember is too gross to talk about. Ive had some amazing dreams. I used to write the best ones down. When I was 4 I dreamed I was Macduff and Macbeth was going to kill me. I was a weird kid.
I need a big name general admission concert too. TMV wasnt GA. Maybe Ill go to Bright Eyes. So what was the last dream that you remember? Tell me something random.
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Posted: Tue Apr 03, 2007 10:06 pm
I'm not going to respond now, maybe tommorow. I've been unwell today, so I've been sleeping mostly (well, after school...). But um. First, yeah, I like your avatar now. I'm digging the minimalism. And yeah, if you want to text me, go for it, but I can't respond, both on moral and economic grounds.
I'll address the other stuff tommorow...
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 8:50 pm
It seems like at the time I first read your post, I had a lot to say to it, but now I don't really know what to say...
I think my school has atleast over 1000 people... I guess I'm noticeable too... All the white kids seem to know all the other white kids... Our school is fairly segregated like that. It's about 60% black 40% white I think... At this point I don't know... I kind of hate most of the people I have to deal with on a daily basis. I don't know about stalking or having to turn guys down, but I guess I'm "unapproachable" because I've become so cynical about everything that I tell everyone that their lives are meaningless and have a tendency to make snyd remarks about reveling in despair. Plus these people aren't worth my ******** time... Thinking about these people is making me ill. I guess there are some tolerable people too. But whenever I think about it... it's unpleasant.
Not being Christian, eh. Try living in Alabama... And then telling people that if their idea of Christianity is true, then you will go to hell on principle becuase their god is a p***k. It doesn't bother me at all though. To the people that aren't aweful, it doesn't make a difference, and to those who care, I don't care about them.
About the backstage thing... I mean, their are obviously two views. One would say that such an action would be "whorish" and one would say that you are taking advantage of what a d**k guys are, which is arguably a good thing. I mean, it really comes down to the idea of "Is your dignity worth a backstage pass?" and also how much dignity it would cost you. As someone who doesn't know how degrading it would be, I would say that I wouldn't do it, but saying that and what would actually happen are different. But then again, at this point, I don't really care about getting backstage. Because those people are just as crappy as everyone else, even if they make good music. They aren't people that would ever want to hang out with you specifically in the real world, so it's all very... I don't know. I couldn't deal with it. The main reason for me would be to brag about it, and that's a bullshit reason to do anything, but I mean, I don't know...
Too gross huh... Makes me wonder what it was... Anyway, a recent dream that I vaguely remember involved my dad becoming some sort of dictator of my house and then my brother and his friend being his lackies... He came to do something to me and then I fought back with a sword I had found on my bed, but it didn't work at first, so I got behind him and tried to saw through his neck, but even when I cut in, he wouldn't bleed and he was talking about the terrible way he was going to kill me... Then I woke up... So yeah. I didn't wake up feeling so good after that one. I've had dreams before though that I woke up crying becuase they were so good and I wished they were real though... That's a very strange feeling.
As you might or might not have guessed, I feel aweful. My life feels so totally pointless and devoid of value or meaning. I don't want to live hear anymore, in this terrible world. And I suppose there is a certain beauty to how terrible everything feels and how everything seems to be falling apart and how utterly mediocre I feel. I don't really know what else to say. No one seems to notice and I'm not sure I want them to... But all the same it's very isolating. I don't know what to listen to either... ******** is probably my last post on gaia, but I'll send you an email at some point reletively soon and we can still talk through that if you want. Good night.
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Posted: Thu Apr 12, 2007 7:50 pm
I wish there was something I could do to help you. There seems to be something in you that is deeply unhappy, whether its spured by your dissapointments with the world or not. Through-out history people have become disenchanted with everything around them- and why not? If you look at your surroundings youll see more bad than good. But I hope youll be able to see more good someday. Its not as simple as putting on a Lemonheads CD or looking at art. You have to see the good in PEOPLE.
I was a suicidal maniac for a long time, and I always will be at heart. I couldnt see anything worth living for. Then I discovered music. And my life had meaning. But I still hadnt seen what I needed to see- people who are kind to the very bottoms of their souls. Now I have seen many wonderful people and I still have an aspect of despair about me- one day I might even kill myself (who knows) but I am not completely lost.
Im glad I met you
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