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Well, first things first, when someone new talks, hit the enter key to skip a line. When typing for an internet audience it is usually wise to hit it twice, since sometimes it doesn't let you indent.


Like this:


Kien Ying threw his arms into the air, glaring at the ceiling.

"Caris! I cannot believe your being like this! You're absolutely horrible! I go through all the trouble to get you a gift and yet you don't even say thank you, no, as a matter of fact..." Kien lowered his arms and his gaze, the jade eyes boring into the girl sitting on the couch. "You punish me for it."

"Because it wasn't a gift for my birthday; you got me a going away present." She hissed, tear streak masscara contorting on her cheeks as she clenched her jaw. "Kien, you want me gone, that's why I'm punishing you. I don't want to leave!"



: See, just like that, or there abouts. A simplier version:


"I don't know about this." Monica uttered.

"Well I know it's a good plan!" Marco reassured.

"It looks like a pretty steep jump...." Monica trembled despite the hand on her back.



The whole story seems more like a brain storm then an actual story. You have good ideas and an obvious passion for poetry, analogy, and visualizations...but you're not writing out an actual story. It moves too fast, there's no introspection or reflection or reason to it. Sit down and turn the first paragraph into a couple of pages, maybe two and a half, and once you manage that post it again. I know it all seems like filler, but it's not really, it's what gets you to care about the character, believe in the place they exist, and hope for them. Also, don't say things like 'too perfect for description' unless your going to throw the negative side of perfection in there as well ( the main girl will have a constant inferiority complex if she does end up in a relationship with him, he won't understand her emotional weaknesses and ultimately won't care about here ). I mean, it has it's place in dramatic narrative, but I don't think someone like that would manage to do anything but subconsciously disgust the main girl with her situation right now.

Sorry, this probably wasn't helpful, but i like to try and give assistance when asked for advice.