Welcome to Gaia! ::

The strange girl stood before us, ruby-red eyes shining brightly, surrounded by soft periwinkle hair that reached down past her waist, sparkles pouring out from her hair like an eternally effervescent fountain of starlight...

And that was when I thought we had been invaded.

"Hi! My name is Mary Opal Enoby Rika Keira Sue and I'm 17. It's nice to meet you!" Her voice was bright and cheery, and reminded me for some reason of the warmth of summer and of cherry blossoms. It didn’t match the tight little miniskirt-dress thing that was the same color as her hair.

"Mary... Sue..." I said, slowly. "Your name is Mary Sue."

"Yep~!" She squeezed her eyes shut in a smile, and when they opened they were emerald green. What? "I'm going to be adventuring with you from now on! I got perfect grades from the Principal you know; I got through miles of shark-infested waters, saving the other seven of my classmates from their doom!"

I whispered to Wen, "Make her go away."

She whispered back, "Do you have a red Star Fleet uniform?"

"And I'm half-dragon, half-fairy, half-rainbow, half-ninja, half-pirate, half-bunny, and half-toaster paladin!"

Kara muttered, "This will not end well." Nym said nothing, as she was in the process of making a proof to show how UTTERLY ILLOGICAL this "Mary" was.

"And I'm a princess of the Royal House of the Sparklefluff-Shimmerunicorn Empire. I was transported through time--"

Nym whispered "Not my fault. NOT. MY. FAULT."

"--when I was 4 and into a wormhole, where I was raised by the worms. Didn't you know wormholes are how time travel works? I got perfect scores in my Random Trivia Class too. Anyway, at one point the worms died and then I was shunted out of the wormhole but being in there for so long made it so that now I can never ever age until I find the Legendary Gem of Age, which is fabled to exist somewhere in the far future. Becasue of that I'm also the prophesized Destroyer of Time, the person who is to defeat the Dark Lord, the person who is to Bring Forth Time Itself Again, the person who is To Chew Gum in the Face of Pie, and about 69 other different prophecies." Her hair was now a light lavender.

Wen whispered to me again, "You SURE you don't have a red Star Fleet uniform?"

"I was the Seeker of the Gryffindor Quidditch team who won by throwing the Snitch through the goal, I was the one Usagi told to continue her legacy and go on to become the next Sailor Earth, and Ichigo told me to save Rukia (but that part got edited out of the official series). Oh, and I brought Ulqui back to life."

"...and so what exactly are you going to do for us?" I asked hesitantly.

"I'm going to be your treasure hunter!" Her color scheme now matched my own. Grr. And she was STILL sparkling.

"Awesome."

Much later. (I am honestly amazed our heroes have managed to retain some semblance of sanity. And yes, Sara and Linda tried. However, she apparently perfected her fish-blocking skills while with the Principal.)

"So Theo."

"Yes, Wen?"

"Why, I am asking you, and I am on my knees, WHY haven't you kicked her out yet?"

"...I think she's kinda cute."

"Can you HONESTLY put up with her?" She glared at me, then called to Mary, "T.H. Sue! Theo would like to speak with you."

I was tackled and knocked over, and when I opened my eyes I saw those sparkling PINK ones, and she asked dramatically, "Have you FINALLY opened your eyes sir? Have you finally realised that I'm the only one for you? Oh yes, I ALWAYS knew you would~!"

And then she started swooning. On top of me. The freaking Sue was swooning on top of me.

"PointtakenWencanyougetheroffshe'sgettingREALLYANNOYINGNOW!"

Much later.

"Alright." I set a small pile of leaves on fire, and the six of us, the ORIGINAL group, surrounded it. "This has gone far enough."

"She was getting sparkles in my FOOD."

"I woke up one day and found my hair curled to make them it 'cute'."

"She shined my armor."

"She infiltrated my pocket dimension WITHOUT MY PERMISSION."

"She makes even less sense than Theo!"

"It's decided then? We need to get rid of Mary Opal Enoby Rika Keira Sue. All in favor say 'Aye'."

"Aye!"

"Aye!"

"AYE!"

"AYEEEEEEE!"

"Aye."

"Nay!"

Nay...? And wait, why were there SIX answers, there were only five of us excluding myself so that meant that...

"Wen. Your turn."

She grinned.

Welcome to Wen's PoV. Have fun.

"So listen to me, okay Mary? At the last town we were in, I heard of a rare and magical artifact called The Red Shirt. It’s supposed to make anyone who wears it even cuter than is supposed to be possible; even cuter than you are right now. Now, we want you to find AND wear that, can you do that for us?"

"Absolutely, Miss Wen!" She sparkled happily, pinpricks of stars falling from her hair and sparking for a bit before going out. Her kaleidoscope eyes widened, and she exclaimed brightly, "Ooooooh! A treasure chest!"

"Go on, go open it! See if it's The Red Shirt!"

She walked forward tentatively, as though she didn't trust her pastel rainbow eyes. As she stepped up to it, she murmured what she called the "Final Holy Wonderful Pretty Lovely Cutie Fanatic Aquatic Dynamic Glamorous Lock Opening Spell" (becasue she's half-toaster paladin, and toaster paladins ALWAYS know magic).

The chest opened, glowing from the inside, and inside was...

...The Red Shirt, becasue this story is torturing the author just as much as it is the characters.

Mary Opal Enoby Rika Keira Sue put on The Red Shirt.

A few turns later, everything was back to normal.

"I am SO glad that that's over--"

"Hey guys! I'm back! Apparently, the DM wanted me back here."


((I misspelled because as "becasue" in here on purpose. It's a bit of a pun.))

Hehe ha hooo funny hahaha

Pro.