Welcome to Gaia! ::

I hope you're prepared for awesomeness beyond all recognition, because I'm going to work on that baby RIGHT NOW.

HERE IS MY STORY. I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY!!!

Darkness. All that could ever be seen in the vast graveyard was that of utter and complete darkness. Even the very word was darker than dark.

Darrrrrknessss.

And within that graveyard of darkness was a scaly serpent with stolen underwear across her ever-expanding booty and a utility belt neatly clutching against her big, womanly hips. Ghosts. She was prepared to kick some ectoplasmic a** if it was the very last thing she ever did. She had survived on an airship with a whiny vampire, an angry elk, and a half-retarded grunny….killing ghosts would be a breeze.

As she moved around in the darkness she felt someone near her. Snapping toward the direction of the sudden vibes, she spotted a ridiculous hippie ghost floating closer to her. “Freeeee pot for everyone!!!” He began to say.

Of course, it wasn’t like she’d allow him to give reasons or explanations for his words. She whipped out deodorizer, kung fu flipped into the air, and sprayed the ghost with it. “HEEEEE YAAAAAAAA!!!!” She landed, the scent of delicious beaches and salty water now furling itself into the air. “WOOOPITCHA!!” She called out as she quickly snapped back to face him, the ghost dizzy from the scent. “Top it off with Evils of the Government! HEEEOOOOKAAAAY!!” The snake leapt once again and cracked her magical furry leg hair into the curling beard of the ghost, sending him into the descent of his ever decaying grave.

One down…so many more to go.

“BAAAAAAAIIIII!!!”

She snapped her heard back toward the new noise, making a ‘foopatcha’ noise as she did so to find Lineoleum coming toward her. “Liney!”

“BAAAAAI!”

“Liiiiiineeeeyyy!!!”

“BAAAAAAIIIIIIIII!”

“LIIIII—“

But down swept a shirtless ghost with the most ravishingly beautiful pecs that a female snake woman had ever seen, his glittery and glistening biceps and ever-so-delightful-to-look-at body causing her saliva to come forth and dribble from her non-existent lips. The ghost had easily swooped up Lineoleum with one of his beautiful and ever-so-Godly crafted hands. “Aaahhh, mi amore, if I cannot have friends nor love, neither can either of you.”

BAI gasped, “Oh no! He’s stealing Lineoleum! Hey wait a minute, why can’t I be the damsel…” BAI whined.

The ghost shrugged, “I don’t know, ma belle, it was simply in the script.”

BAI nodded, that was right. She dramatically pointed at him, “YOU!! Handsome ghost of rippling pectorals and ever so delightfully scented hair and body!”

“Mi amore, please, call me Arturo Robusto…”

“Um…you sure you don’t want the cool title I came up with?” she twiddled her thumbs. Totally liked calling him handsome…

“Yes, I’m certain.”

Lineoleum swung silently in the wind from the high up area that Arturo levitated. “Any day now, guys.”

BAI shook her head, “Er, right. Arturo Robusto, I will defeat you, save Lineoleum, and shall return in time for breakfast!”

“But it’s midnight,” Arturo rationalized. “Although I must say, I love buttery substances…especially on my breakfast foods.”

“Just…whatever!” BAI spazzed. “You’re supposed to float off and what not while I can’t catch you…”

“Oh, yes. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Arturo laughed and floated away with Lineoleum.

BAI dramatically turned around toward the cameras and screamed, “NOOOOOOO!!!!”

And then…she set out to find Arturo….but first…to the hut of banana animals. A vast and wondrous land of timid creatures in the shape of bananas…or bananas in the shape of animals. They were a rather mixed lot, but all so tasty! Er. Not tasty…because BAI would never eat those tender and cute creatures. Cough..cough.

She went to the Banana King, the one shaped like a frog of pure epicness and bowed to her. And yes, she was a King even though it’d make more sense as a Queen STOP JUDGING ME.

“OH GREAT BANANA KING FROGGY! Allow me some of your assistance in defeating the ghosts to retrieve Lineoleum!”

Froggy gasped at her words, “Lineoleum has been kidnapped?”

“Yes, by the delicious, ever-so-handsome, tender touching—“

“Ahem,” Froggy interrupted her.

“Er. I mean Arturo Robusto.”

Froggy sighed and shook her head in pity, banana peel flapping at the movement. It took her a moment to regain her thoughts, but finally Froggy looked at BAI and nodded her head. “Then we will have to teach you the techniques…of banana-fu jitzu. It involves rigorous hours of training…but if you ever want to defeat Arturo Robusto…you must learn it.”

BAI bowed to her great Banana King, “OOOOH Froggy, I will go through anything to help return the great Lineolem to his rightful place in this world!”

“What place is that?” A banana elephant whispered to his pal. He received a few glares and he dejectedly began to munch on his own flesh, hoping to perish for his behavior in not knowing such greatness.

Froggy smiled at BAI’s dedication and soon they set out training….

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
When BAI was finally finished she sighed and flexed her pythonic biceps and jiggled her breasts. “I’m PREPARED!!!”

Froggy stared at BAI’s bosom, “What the heck, all I taught you was how to effectively make banana cream pie, where did you learn to do that?”

“What? Oh. I guess when I was making pies I learned how to do it. Cool, huh?” She jiggled them a few more times.

Froggy looked away and sighed to herself before starting up again, “GO FORTH, YOUNG BANANA APPRENT—“

“Holy Jesus kittens, you don’t need to shout I’m right next to you.”

“Sorry, it just seemed necessary—“

“No, not really.”

“Fine.” Froggy sighed and started again. “Go forth, young banana apprentice and bring back Lineoleum to the lands where he rightfully belongs!! Defeat Arturo Robusto and the rest of the ghosts!”

BAI saluted before heading out, snatching up a tasty banana mouse before arriving back at the graveyard. She defeated the many realms of ghosts before arriving at the scene where Arturo had Lineoleum cooped up—“Why is Lineoleum sitting on a luxurious bed? Shouldn’t he be in a cage or something?”

Arturo shrugged, “Sorry, mi amore, it was all I had at the time.” He rose and looked at the time. “It’s only been a few hours.”

“That’s all the training I need,” BAI said confidently.

“I see. Then let us not waste time…” He flexed his muscles and began to rub his body in glistening butter.

BAI gasped and pulled out some banana pudding, rubbing it against her own body.

Arturo raised an eyebrow at this. “Such a technique…”

“Exactly!”

He then winked at her, a ‘kapaching~’ noise shooting out a blast at BAI.

She gasped and felt it hit her before she decided to go in for the kill. She flexed and jiggled her bosom.
Lineoleum oogled at the sight while Arturo grabbed his heart in pain. “Ahh! Mi amore! I think you’ve killed me!”

BAI nodded, “Sorry, Arturo, even though I’d love a night with your rippling and chiseled body…I have to save my friend.”

Arturo handed her a slip of paper, “That’s my gravesite, if you’re ever bored.” He then floated off for his eternal slumber.

BAI went over to grab Lineoleum when a plate of pancakes came down and hit Lineoleum, sending him to his death. “NOOOOO!!!!” BAI screamed and threw some banana bread batter onto the Pancakes, killing them instantly. As she swooped over to Lineoleum, she noticed how lifeless her little companion was. She looked up dramatically and let out another terrifying, “NOOOOOOOO!” before grabbing onto her bosom for comfort.

“Noo-hooo-oo…hmm…these are fun to play with,” BAI mumbled, squishing them a bit.

Lineoleum’s head came up and grabbed as well. “Oooh, snaky and fleshy all at the same time!”

“Liney!!”

“BAI!”

“You’re alive!”

“You’ve got boobies!”

BAI picked him up like he was a silver platter and carried him out of the graveyard to set him back where he was most rightfully meant to be.

All the banana animals and even the Froggy Banana King worshiped the day that Lineoleum returned and they all lived happily ever after.

One little banana elephant, legless in the corner of darkness mumbled under his breath, “No seriously, what does that guy even do?”

THE EEEEEND!!!!

My story features my largely exaggerated fight against the ghost of the Big Foot.

The sun was rising.
Darkness started crawling away has the it ascended to it's rightful place in the heavens.
I was smoking the third cigar that night.
That's when that furry b*****d showed up.
He materialized slowly, stomping the ground like a rhino about to charge and growling at me.
I threw the cigar butt away, sending most of the smoke out of my nostrils.
Not showing of, I was just really pissed.
I has barely just finished bashing those creepy twin girls with my Demon Slayer move and from all the creeps, the monkey in a suit shows up to vent his rage on me.
F*ck it, I thought. I'm taking of the gloves on this one.
"You'll pay!" it shouted "all of you, humans! You are the ones who made me end this way."
If he was solid enough to talk, he was solid enough to beat up into a paste.
I almost sucker punched him. The Foot was fast, dodging at the last minute and hit me hard in the head with both his paws, hands, whatever they were. I took a swing at him and missed, then he kicked me right in the face, making me hit at least two tombstones, head on which is why that part is a bit blurry.
"Stupid human!" It shouted "Die, suffer like me!"
I tried my best to stand up, think it only took me three attempts, the damn b*****d looking down on me. Waiting.
That's when the first sunbeams finally shone over the graveyard.
It somehow hurt him, that strong increasing light, distracted him long enough for me to make my move.
I sprinted at him, used one of the tombstones to jump higher and while Foot was still blind, landed on him with a kick who shred him in two.
The strength impact of my landing took care of the rest.
Stupid monkey.
I remember walking away, shaking, putting my sunglasses and then lighting a smoke.
I'm not human.

The end.

Hello there. Look at your banana, now back to me, back at your banana, now back at me. Sadly, it isn't me. But if you stopped using rubbish scented body wash and switched to bananaspice, it could smell like me. Look down, back up. Where are you? You are on a boat with the banana your banana could smell like. What's in your hand? Back at me. I have it. It's a coconut with two tickets to that thing you love. Look again. The tickets are now banamonds! Anything is possible when your banana smells like like bananaspice and not a pile of rubbish. I'm on a bananorse.
[[done out of my own amusement. I'll probly come up with a real story later when I'm not sick.]]

Alright, time to Merc this @$## UP!
*starts writing*

I'mma give you guys my L.A. homework when I'm done typing it. xD