The Diary of Headmistress Lillian V. Nikolai

[singlikenoonecanhearyou]

[[NOTE: My history, in real life and in my cosplay life, are long and messy. For more details, you can see my profile in the pensieve.]]

~Dear Diary,

My very first entry! I do hope that one day I can look upon the ink on these pages when I am much older and smile, remembering the good and bad times that I write here. Callysto has proposed to me quite recently, which I am proud and thankful for more than anything in my life. I know we will spend many years together, and this time, I am going to make things right. I still wake up dreaming of my husband beating me, but with Callysto's face now. My worst fear is that it would happen all over again, that nothing would change. But I know deep down it wouldn't and couldn't happen, and I am not as afraid as I used to be. Every moment I spend with her and with my daughter, I know I have not done wrong. But I can't write any more now, more important things are racing in my mind and I need to take care of those in the time being. I close this page hoping that the next time I write here, it will be just as happy words.

~ Lillian

 

[singlikenoonecanhearyou]

Lillian pulls out the diary and begins to write. But before she does, she takes the picture of her, her husband, and daughter, her most prized possesion, and attaches it to the inside of the front cover with a permanent sticking charm, the first page of her diary being opposite it. The photo is slightly worn, tinted a little bit yellow from being on her desk opposite a window so long. As Lillian summoned her quill with a flick of her wand, she wrote quickly across the second page.

~Dear Diary

Wedding plans are going to be made soon! So excited. I also have finnally found a new charms and muggle studies teacher. I hope they are up to the task. Just writing a quick update, be back later.

~Lillian

She put the quill back with another flick of her wand, and closed the diary. Hesitating, she opened the diary again, staring at the picture of her first family. Her husband was smiling and waving, her daughter was barely one year old. This was only weeks before Lillian had told her husband what she really was...she looked closely into her own face and saw the huge smile spread across it...saw the baby's arms wrapped around it's mother's hand...could see her husband's arm around her and his beaming smile like a ray of light...

Lillian went into a quick trance for a moment, thinking, and blinked quickly. She glances down at the writing on the bottom of the picture...

"Me and my husband with our daughter Al Nikolai, 1 year old."

...and shut the book.  

[singlikenoonecanhearyou]

~Dear Diary

I don't have anything in the guild life to write about, really. But my real life is certainly complicated enough. A guy asked me to prom, I said yes. I'm going with him, and not bailing. Two days later, the boy who I've had a crush on for 10 months asked me to prom. I know he's liked me for a while, but he's never had the guts to ask me out or to prom or something like this before. He knew I was going with the first boy, so he said that if the first boy bailed on me, could he go with me? I said I'd love to. But I felt bad, I didn't want him to think he's just some spare to me, 'cuz he's not. I messaged him and told him this. Told him I do care about him. He said it's fine, he understands. I was happy, said yay, wahtever. He responded with, I can probably just ask some other girl anyway. At that moment, I felt like a shard of ice hit me in the chest. I know he deserves the best. Deserves to go with whoever he wants, but it still stings that I never got the chance. On top of it, I was feeling so down, I forgot about my spanish test. I though I would do well...but I got a C. I had an A in that class, now I'm down to barely a B. It's so hard to bring grades up in her class, and unless I bring it up, I won't be able to go to the high honors dinner we get if we have high grades. If I don't get high grades, my dad will yell until he turns purple. I'm just so down...and ontop of which, my mom notices of course, so she thinks it's cool to sneak up on me when I'm typing and read whatever I'm saying. If I try and tell her to please...go away, it's personal. She'll accuse me of reading porn or something and demand to see it. Then she gets all clingy and hugs me, treats me like I'm 5, and bothers me if something actually is wrong, if I feel bad. Ugh. Just not in a great mood, just wanted to vent. Hopefully I'll have some better news tommorow.

~Lillian

 

[singlikenoonecanhearyou]

Lillian pulls out her diary and begins to write, the scribbling almost unreadable.

~Dear Diary

In real life, I've gotten sick just before the play! My throat isn't affected, but my stomach feels like someone is pounding on it all day long.

At Hogwarts, I'm very impressed with the flying teacher. So many people have signed up for the classes now! I've lost trust in Naomi though...she is never teaching anymore. She was a close friend and she has let me down severely. There are so many people signing up for new classes now that we have so many teachers, and I can't blame people for wanting to quit hers. I don't understand why she would let me down...I know people can busy, I understand this for I am a busy person myself, but does that really mean that they can't even send a quick owl with an assignment I could give?
Ah well...Callysto is back from her break, and the sight of her makes my heart burst with joy. My daughter and I have also planned a meeting for the near future, I may visit with her sometime in Hogsmeade. I miss her so much it makes my heart ache and my head throb whenever I dwell on it. But someday soon, it will be summer, and I can see her everyday, and for once, she won't be in an orphange, and I won't spend anymore sleepless nights there. I can still remember that day during the summer...
it was dreary and cold, a dark night with no stars out. It was not too long ago, the summer that Al got her letter to Hogwarts. I knew her letter would be coming soon, for I had sent the owl myself, run out past the boundaries of Hogwarts, and apparated on the spot that I sat waiting all night. It took quite a few hours, it took until morning infact, for the owl to arrive that would come bearing the letter with the Hogwarts seal on it. The owl landed on the windowsill, after dropping the letter on the doorstep. When the owl saw me, it gave a soft hoot, waking me up a bit, since I was starting to dose off. I sat there stroking the owl until around 9am, when the door to the orphanage flew open, as well as the owl, and I hid around the wall of the building. I saw the person who got the mail take the letter, and heard my daughter's shriek of happiness and suprise not long after. I sat there the entire day, and the next day, but then on the day after that, I saw her walk out of the orphanage, clutching the letter, no doubt off in a rush to buy her school supplies. How I wanted to badly to rush up to her, to hug her and tell her everything, but my feet stayed rooted to the spot...I couldn't break the promise to my husband. I waited outside the orphanage so much that summer, I think I spent more time there than anywhere else. I sometimes hid, I sometimes cast Dissillusionment charms on myself, but I hardly remember what days I sat there or for how long...I will never forget the delight in her voice when she was outside with the other children. I think once or twice she may have caught sight of me, probably wondering who I was and why I was spying, but I always dissaparated at those times....
But not more dissapearing this time..soon I'll meet her in Hogsmeade and spend some actual time with her, not just watching her pass me by from the sidelines.

~Lillian

 

[singlikenoonecanhearyou]

~Dear Diary,

Real life is far too confusing to talk about. Not bad, just confusing with boys and all.

I miss Callysto so badly that I'm practically in physical pain. She's been gone before, but never this long. I feel like all I'm doing is looking up at the sky and begging the heavens to bring her back to me. I know I've been busy, but now that I'm back, I just want to welcome her in my arms, and have her welcome me. I'll definitly meet with Al in Hogsmeade tonight though, since I can't take being alone anymore, and she is one of the greatest comforts to me. She will never let me down...

~Lillian

 

[singlikenoonecanhearyou]

~Dear Diary

At last I made contact with Al. She's metting me tonight. The other nights were too busy...she's been studying so much...but tonight I get to meet with her. Just seeing her lit up face is all I want right now. I feel like there's a glass barrier keeping me from others when I can't be in contact with the people I care about. I just don't want to wait to see her though...my worst fear here is that I'll have to wait to see her...

~Lillian

Lillian shut the diary tight and saw the photo on it flash before her eyes quickly. She thought of the time she did wait for her daughter, just to see her...all those years back in the orphanage...

It was dim and dreary and humid, mid-spring, sometime in June. Al was not old enough to go to Hogwarts, so she was not yet under the care Lillian's school roof. It was not yet time for the children to sleep, but should I wait that long?
I clenched my fist, in it was a small stack of muggle money. Quite a fair amount, it was at least 100 Galleons worth. I held it even tighter in my hand, and breathed heavily...
Slowly, I opened the door to the orphanage. The owner and secretary was sitting in the desk more towards the back of the room, with a window directly behind her. As I approached the desk, I could feel my own heart pounding and hammering away at my insides. She smiled when she saw my hooded face, knowing what I had come for. This was not the first time I had come to the orphanage wearing a dark hood holding a wad of cash in my hand. I placed it on the desk, and she grinned, nodding happily at me. Since she wouldn't see my smile in the shadow on my face, I gave a slight hand wave, and began to exit.
But it wasn't the usual night anymore. Nothing like this had really happened before. There were a few girls blocking my path to the door- Al...and two of her friends I didn't know.
They must have heard the door creak, and ran downstairs to see who it could possibly be. They looked at me and smiled...I just simply stood there, dumbfounded and thunderstruck. They walked past me up to the desk, but I didn't move, my eyes still facing the door, but my ears quite keen to listen to what they were about to ask the woman at the desk. Al spoke first, i recognized her voice, since it was so similar to my own....

"Anyone come to adopt us today, Mum?"

I know she only meant Mum in light terms, that she knew this woman for a while so it would come naturally to her...but I felt tears sliding down my cheeks, no less. Part of me felt like I was going to collapse on the floor and bawl, another wanted to attack the woman at the desk for letting my daughter call her that. It would appear to anyone that Al didn't care what happened to me...after all, not too too long ago, I saw her at the funeral of my parents...and had refused to take her back.

"No, Al. I showed them pictures of you, too. Although, you, ((She was speaking to another girl now)) may be finding a family, as well as you. ((She was speaking to the third one))."

I heard Al sigh deeply in a defeated way. Everyone in this orphanage may someday get adopted, but she never would. The Ministry, and myself, all put little charms around here and little spells to make it impossible for people to adopt Al. She was my child, after all. And after I had explained myself to the Ministry, they had taken pity on me and helped me. They knew Al would come to Hogwarts, and my husband wouldn't live longer than I with this habits, I would come for her. I still couldn't help cry though. It's my fault she isn't in a better home...I turned around to see her, expecting to see her back, her front facing the desk, but her and the others were already gone and upstairs. The woman remained at the desk, and gave me a skeptical look, as I remained there, immoble, and unable to say a word.
I gave her a deep bow, as if to duel, and a tear fell to the floor. She looked startled and asked me:

"Are you quite alright?"

I didn't reply as I ran out the door, the rain falling on my face. Turning on the spot, I apparated into the Hogwarts grounds, and as I sat down in my office, I locked the door. I sat there thinking for quite some time, and here I sit there now.


Al knows that person was me...I already told her....I keep no secret from her. The hood that I once wore so much is now growing dusty.  

[singlikenoonecanhearyou]

~Dear Diary,

In real life I still feel a bit sick, but I'm doing better. Just need to keep drinking water and having delicious bowls full of ice cream all day.

I can't wait to see Al another time. When she was asleep in my arms last night, it was like she was a precious baby again. Though I couldn't care for her when she was growing up, I did care for her for the first 3 years of her life. When she was a darling child I always held her in my arms and carried her around the house. I couldn't go outside and work when she was 2 and 3, because of course, witches should be locked in the house according to my former husband. So since I had nothing to do, of course I would just carry her around and sing to her. It's how I became even better at singing than I was...but then again, it was like a curse seeing her and holding her so much. It made me love her more than ever before and made me hate saying goodbye even more as well.
Well Diary, I'm sorry to keep complaining...I'm sorry to whine...but thanks you for listening.

~Lillian

Lillian closed the diary and stared at the mirror on the wall into her own eyes...She had a sudden vision of herself, standing in the middle of a crowd of villagers, a younger her...her past self..and they were all jeering and screaming..and she was doing magic, all the magic she could...random charms...spells...but they turned on her now...and her face was bleeding as they threw things at her...her head was reeling and she moaned in pain as blood poured into her throat from the cuts all over her face...she started to cough as the heavy thick red pounded in her chest...she kneeled on the ground coughing and more objects slashed her face...and she was turning to her husband..and tears were in her eyes..and he didn't care..and no one had cared... and she said goodbye that night...she left that night...her world came crashing on her that night...

Lillian jerked back to earth and stared at her own reflection for a moment, before going to sleep.  

[singlikenoonecanhearyou]

Dear Diary,

Today in real life I just need to pour my heart out. Just tell someone, anyone, how AWFUL. this day has been. First, my best friend yelled at me and was so cruel to me. Not even sure why. But I asked her a question, she told me to shut up. She sat on the knee i have tendonitis in, i asked her to get up, she told me to move. Then another girl sat down next to me on my other side, she said don't get too close girl#2, or Lillian might B--ch at you! Then blamed me for her lousy quiz grade and said she didn't wanna sit near me anymore. Bawling my eyes out, i went to another friend for comfort, who said that I was right, the girl was way out of line. I wasn't imagining this. That girl had been there. Then my mom and I got into a fight, and now she refuses to bring me anywhere, when I have recitals and things coming up. It was such a stupid fight, and now I'm really grounded just for arguing with her, because i don't wanna take some weird medical thing for my sinus allergies, because, as i've told her, it's going away. Another thing, my dad RUINED my chances to get into my top college by interrupting my on the phone audition with "get off the phone." I say...dad I'm auditioning, can you wait ten minutes...please?" Him, "NO. Get off NOW.", and it took me forever to get a hold of them to audition, and cut-offs are by sunday. I just had to write this..i wanna go vomit...

~Lillian

 

[singlikenoonecanhearyou]

Dear Diary,

I know it has been a while, (Lillian the Headmistress is typing this, not real life), I am sorry for the delay. Lately, I am worried. My wedding is tommorow, and what if something goes wrong? What if no one shows up? I know these worries are groundless, my day will be wonderful, and so will life with Callysto. But today, something very odd happened this morning. I was gazing into the crystal ball, which is a rare occurence in and of itself since I believe divination to be a bit...unreliable, but I couldn't help feeling a sense of unease. I looked in my tea leaves, and couldn't help noticing that, even though the sun, a good omen was in my cup, shortly followed it were signs of suffering. Is my life with Callysto not going to be wonderful? I know it will be... so then what could this possibly mean?

~Lillian

 

[singlikenoonecanhearyou]

(Large tear stains can be seen all over this diary entry)

~Dear Diary,

She left me at the altar. Callysto. I don't know what else to say. My tea leaves and crystal ball gazing still show more suffering in store for me. Worse than this? How could it be possible.

~Lillian