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-Magicians Trick- Vice Captain
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 Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 5:42 pm
I`m serious.
As a 2O-something growing girl-woman thing I`m realizing how hard it is to learn to get along with people.
Two years ago I began doing some soul searching and found out how lonely I truly am.
I have lived a large portion of my life as a social outcast and loved it! (I think)
Now, I am learning that if I want to get to certain places and generally live a peaceful life I have to hold my tongue, respect people`s differences and try not to make a quick enemy out of everyone I meet...and I am finding that a little hard to accomplish! gonk
By nature I live for harmony, peace and justice however it seems like I sabotage myself to be the exact opposite by gossiping every time someone doesn`t do exactly what I think they should do / have a problem with or that I am constantly judging everyone around me!
On the internet I am nothing like that, I am laid back, care free and non-judgmental towards people. So why is it when I am offline I turn into this "Oh I want world peace and harmony while I stab people behind their backs and make enemies."
I feel like I have a Dr.Jykle and Mr. Hyde thing going on and it is emotionally tearing me apart. whee
And because I am trying to steer away from such a destructive path it is making me stall through out my whole life. It seems that my life has almost literally stopped because I cannot seem to find a balance for my emotional side.
Right now, I am just trying to learn that just because I am different from someone else doesn`t mean that they are in the wrong for being who they are and that is perfectly okay to accept friends who are different from you.
I guess what really is driving this split personality moment is fear, fear that I will lose myself to a whole bunch of people, that they will just take little pieces of me away until I am no one. I am afraid I am not strong enough to voice my opinion when I really should and learn to shut up when I really should. (purposeful repeat)
____________________________________________________
discuss;
- Did this ever happen to you at my age?
- Are you going through this now?
- Any advice?
- I hope to God this gets better, does it get better?
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Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2011 12:31 am
My advice is that awareness of the problem is a good start, and after that, practice makes perfect. Also, being nervous is OK, and by that I don't mean to tell yourself that you shouldn't be nervous. I mean that you can feel nervous and tell yourself that feeling nervous is OK. Also, everyone makes mistakes sometimes, and you might be surprised by how forgiving people can be of minor social blunders. Everyone makes them sometimes. Also, if you're nervous in a big group of people, try going to the group with someone you already know so you don't feel alone in the crowd. Also, try to go to crowds and group activities that are designed to be welcoming, like activities sponsored by your church, school, or your city's parks department. Finally, it is true that you will need to share parts of yourself, but other people will also share parts of themselves with you. You don't lose part of yourself by sharing, but you can gain by listening to others, and others can gain from listening to you. smile
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Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2011 9:13 am
Argh! I have gone through periods of deep insecurity. My modus operandi is to withdraw completely, when I'm struggling. This has given me a reputation for standoffishness.
I can't say that I've struggled with what you're describing, but I have been involved in gossiping about people - but generally if I'm not able to speak up, I just clam up, keep my head down, and get away from the situation quickly as possible. This has had a very alienating effect on people. I've gone so far as to bow out of social events, just to avoid being with certain people! So I guess the judgemental part, I get.
I don't have answers for you. Hold your tongue, I guess, or vent to someone you trust, who can help you put things into perspective (my mom and my husband are great for this). I know that if you talk to too many people, it gets back to the person you probably should have addressed.
I judge for lots of things. I get annoyed by a lack of consideration, common sense, poor hygiene... biggrin If it's something that can be addressed in the moment, I've learned to tactfully speak up - this is good, because I don't build resentment. But some people, the problem I perceive is intrinsic! That's where I have to draw on a deep well of tolerance. It gets easier, the older I get, but I still get angsty, and that's where Mom and Hubby are a great asset to my sanity.
Hah, not much use, am I?
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Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2011 10:08 am
Thank you for the advice. <3
I should get myself in more smaller groups so I can practice controlling myself.
You are actually more useful then you realize!
I am suffering from the same thing I isolate myself from everyone when I am emotionally out of balance - which is a good portion of the time. whee
I only gossip to my long-term partner and my mother but I know that I should always make sure I am venting, not gossiping.
And that is what I am trying to learn right now - to tactful speak up. I want to be heard and understood by my peers but (real example coming up) if one of my friends literally can't stay on one subject for more then a minute and not complain why is he almost 25 and can't live out on his own (very poor excuses) I don`t say anything but just silently judge. And that judging turns to resentment.
So how do you tactfully speak up?
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-Magicians Trick- Vice Captain
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Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2011 10:34 am
Sometimes, I'll just come right out and say: would you like my opinion? If they do, I feel that they're probably comfortable hearing what I have to say. I try to frame it in a way that is constructive, rather than critical. I have a friend going through post-divorce, and is mad at her ex for hanging out with some of her single mom friends. I asked if she wanted my opinion, and she said yes, so I pointed out that her ex won't feel that he owes her anything, as is common with exes, and that he's a single man and can approach anyone he likes. Her friend, however, I felt, needs a few words about how it hurts her when they see each other. I told her that the friend might tell her to back off, though, and she then needs to decide if she needs that friend.
Or, someone might say something incredibly mean. A bunch of my friends were making snide comments about someone I knew. What I knew, but they didn't, was the difficult circumstances my friend was experiencing, and as a result was acting quite manic, especially in drinking situations. I pointed the situation out to them, and suggested that this person could use a lot of support. I didn't say anything about their own crappy behavior, but they got it, and felt bad, and have been much nicer!
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Posted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 1:00 pm
I've found I've become more tolerant as I've gotten older than when I was a teen. Visiting the forums only reminds me of what I used to be and how far I've come.
One thing I've had to learn was to control my mouth. I don't have to say everything that's on my mind and that everyone deserves a chance. I know I'm not exactly the best at giving good first impressions (I know I can be opinionated at times), so I try to be patient with others and not judge them based on only a few encounters. I also try to accept a person and their personality as a whole. As in the good with the bad. I know no one is perfect and I can usually tolerate certain personality flaws so long as I'm not crammed together with someone for lengthy periods of time.
I suffer from both depression and anxiety and the only way I've found to overcome these two hurdles without medication is to face them. I still have a problem with isolating myself when I become depressed and my working a night job doesn't really help the problem, but I've forced myself to go out and make social interactions despite the fact because isolating myself is only going to make the problem worse. I've gone so far as to learn how to play AD&D and have a group of people over at my house every weekend for game night. This even helps with my anxiety because I'm put in a potentially stressful situation and forces me to deal with it on the spot as opposed to running away.
I've also learned to put blame where it belongs. I don't blame myself for other people acting the way they do. Everyone can make a conscious decision on whether to be nice or rude and I don't have to be at the mercy of someone's bad day. It's hard to grow a thick skin, but if you don't want to let things get to you as much, it's what you've got to do. If a problem arises, I try to fix it. If it's something I can't fix, then I accept it and move on.Quote: Sometimes, I'll just come right out and say: would you like my opinion?
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