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musicmagician823

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Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2011 3:17 am

I wrote this song recently to give me hope and motivation to keep reaching for my dreams. Tell me what you think and you can watch the recording here. Hope you like it smile

Verse 1
Open the curtain
The sun is shining through my window, enlightening the room
Look through the window
I see a world full of doors that I've not yet been through

At only sixteen year of age
I've got my whole life ahead of me
At only sixteen years of age
I've got the power to hold on to my dreams

Chorus
I'll open the doors and I'll keep looking forward
And nothing, nothing's gonna bring me down
I'll open the doors and I'll keep looking forward
And nothing, nothing's gonna stop me dreaming

Verse 2
Walk out the door and
I see a world with a life that'll be living dream
Walk down the street and
Opportunities appear and and are calling out to me

At only sixteen years of age
I'm gonna grab them with open arms
At only sixteen years of age
I know that if you just try, it does no harm

Chorus

Bridge
I'm gonna set sail on my journey and
If I happen to fail on this journey I'll
Just pick myself up and remember the day
When I opened the curtain and saw
Those doors, doors

At only sixteen years of age
I've got my whole life ahead of me
At only sixteen years of age
I've got the power to hold on to my dreams

Chorus x2

Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2011 10:22 am

I listened to the recording as I read the lyrics - having both was quite beneficial, so thank you.

I have never written a song (beyond the poetry), so I cannot advise you on that count. However, I have one suggestion to make on your lyrics. Your chorus has a refrain for the first and third lines, which in itself is fine. However, you repeat the chorus four times throughout the song. This excessive repetition does not strengthen your message. Perhaps there is a way to obviate this.

I generally do not edit for spelling or grammar, but I feel that I ought to point out the second line of stanza 1, "enlightening the room". Unless you are making a metaphor (I do not think you are), this ought to be "lightening the room".

Your voice is enjoyable. Please do not ever use auto-tune?

Priestess of Neptune
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ContrabassClarinetist
Crew

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Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2011 12:45 pm

You play guitar very well and this is so much better than a lot of popular music right now. I love the rhythm and melody and this is well written and inspirational.

Keep composing.

Posted: Sat Jan 29, 2011 1:03 am

Thanks guys smile
@Priestess - Thanks for the criticism I'll look into that more closely. And no I don't plan on ever using auto-tune razz
@Contrabass - I'm glad you liked it and I'm glad it was inspirational because that was what I was aiming for smile

musicmagician823

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