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 Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2006 12:13 pm
Even though me and my boyfriend are not currently sexually active, and we may not be for quite some time, I think it's best if we discuss what we/I would do if I did get pregnant now, before we decide to have sex. I mean, it would totally kill the mood to bring it up right before we actually do have sex.
First of all, we have discussed birth control . . . a little. He wants to make sure I don't get pregnant in the first place. So we don't have sex now, and he's cool with wearing a condom when we do have sex - not just to prevent pregnancy, but STDs as well. And I'm thinking of going on the pill for hormone reasons, so that would help, too.
The real question is this: how do I go about it? What is "good timing" for this sort of discussion? How do I bring it up? How do I discuss my views and opinions without being intimidating? I want him to feel comfortable expressing his feelings about the subject, including issues about abortion. He knows I'm pro-choice, but I want to make sure he feels comfortable saying he's pro-life if that's his stance. Any advice?
Finally, he once said he was thinking of waiting until he's married. I'm afraid that I might have pressured him into being more sexual than he's comfortable with, since he no longer seems to feel that way. I just want him to be comfortable communicating his feelings about sex and pregnancy to me without fear or intimidation or being dumped. I would never dump him for wanting to wait, especially since I've considered waiting as well (thanks to Concerta stealing my sex drive).
Sorry if this is a repeat thread.
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Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2006 1:43 pm
Seems like the key to all of this is communication and what has already been set up in your relationship. Since we can't already know that it's hard to give advice. Some time when you are alone and watching something on TV that you don't really care about just tell him that you want to talk about your physical relationship and how it's been progressing. See if there is anything he wants to say before you talk. Reassure him that you want to hear his opinions, even if they are different from yours etc. Sorry I can't be of more help.
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Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2006 1:45 pm
Well it's good you actually want to have this talk before it becomes an issue: teens in general put it off because it's uncomfortable to have and wait until something happens and then panic.
Before becoming sexually active, my now-husband and I had that talk. I remember one of us just brought it up out of the blue and we went from there. I don't think there's really an ideal time to have it or perfect circumstances, you just need to be brave enough to get the conversation going and see what happens from there. Tell him basically what you told us: you want to hear his opinions and you'll respect whatever he says, but it's best you guys have an idea of where you both stand before the issue ever comes up. And if you haven't already, I'd apologize to him for being 'pushy' in the past and let him know that you hope it won't prevent him from being open. In our relationship we'd bring it up again every 4-6 months and touch base and see if anything had changed as time passed.
Pick a time when you can be alone, preferably face-to-face and calmly bring it up. I'd make sure you know what you want to say before as well, so you're not quite as nervous.
3nodding Going on hormonal birth control is always a good idea in addition to condoms.
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Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2006 7:10 pm
My boyfriend and I had this talk soon after we started dating, and right after we first had sex. I told him I was on birth control, much to his relief, so he knew about that.
Later on, we discussed what we would do if I got pregnant. We're both very open with each other, so there was no awkwardness in talking about it. I gave him my stance on abortion and my probable-decision if I got pregnant, and he said he wouldn't force me to get an abortion. 3nodding I gave him some options to consider if I got pregnant, and said I wouldn't force him into paying child support if he didn't want to be in my life or my child's life after the baby was born. We were both mature and responsible about it, and as a result we now have a back-up plan for if/when I ever get pregnant (unplanned).
As time has passed in our relationship, usually ever 2 - 3 months, it's been brought up again, and we've rediscussed it several times over. as Pirate Dirge said, it just helps to touch base and see if his opinion/decisions have changed over time, or if mine have changed.
Going on a hormonal form of birth control is a realyl good idea. Planned Parenthood puts the Pill and the Patch at about 99% effective aginst pregnancy, and although you can still get pregnant if you're having sex while on birth control, using 2 methods (condoms and another method) is better than just 1 method alone.
Also talk to your boyfriend about your birth control method of choice, and if you choose, ask him to chip in and help split the cost. Birth control isn't and shouldn't be entirely your responsibility.
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Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2006 10:29 pm
Something else I would like to mention.
If you want to, you should check out your state's birth control laws. Sometimes, if you live in a good state, like California, you can get birth control (and abortion services) for free or low cost based on your income.
If you're under 18, you'll also be able to go to "clinic teen days" that will involve a lot of passing out of information, free condom give-outs, and consultation with RNs.
I would highly suggest actually talking to a clinic about hormonal birth control and what it does to and for you.
I used to have unpredictable and horrible periods, and now they've evened out a LOT through the birth control pills that I take.
Definately sort out the details with your clinic, and they'll probably give you some pills to try based on your medical history.
^_^ Good luck and congrats for being responsible!
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Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 8:57 am
It's extremely good that you are thinking about this so early!
Now, when I need to talk to my fiance about this stuff, it can sometimes be difficult. He wants me to be happy, so he just agrees with everything I say. Sometimes, I actually have to yell at him to make him speak up for himself.
Don't let him just agree with you. A lot of people just want to do the "smile and nod" thing to avoid a conversation. What you need to do is really be forceful. Tell him that he can't just agree with you. That he has not only give you his opinion but also explain his reasoning (that's pretty much the only way you can make sure that he's really thinking about this stuff and not just agreeing or saying what he thinks you want to hear).
Don't let him go until you've squeazed a conversation out of him wink
As for timing, there's never a "right" time for anything like this. Ever. You just need to do it. Just make sure that he has some time to talk. Asking to start a big discussion like this when he's half out the door won't really help anything.
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