|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 4:35 am
As the lake moved clearly and the sun went down, a girl of vague memory moved through a path as she suffered constant headaches. It was painful, and it was making things worse as she has amnesia. As she knelt down as the headaches came to be worse, she then heard wings flutter strong.
"FILL THE BOX." , voices said as it was then nearly too late as a Flying Giftbox opened its mouth with its large fangs, but another voice quickly intervened. It said "move" and then fires kept the giftboxes distracted and then a whirlwind kept them away, as someone then ran and took her. It was a pirate, one with long black hair, and a coat that's blue. He then blew a whistle and they then became suddenly so fast, as a spirit of a coyote seemed to posses them. He ran away still, carrying her by the waist with his arm as the giftboxes then faded away from the distance. He then stopped and dropped her, clearly exhausted from the running, and then a green, light seemed to analyze them, healing her headache as it moved by them.
"Well, that was close. . ." the pirate said as he then looked at the torn side of his coat which one of the giftboxes have bitten, "yet still fun." He said as he then smiled. He then looked at her, clearly not knowing her, but willing to help.
"You have no rings, yet you do look like you're not one of the novices,hmm. . ., you really shouldn't do much of a feat around here though." He said as he looked at her. He then looked at his PDA and looked at things. "Hmm . . . strange, I don't see your info on the PDA." He said looking at his PDA still, as she looked at her, bewildered and confused of what was really going on.
"Who. . . who are you?" She asked.
"Me? Oh I forgot, I'm Arc." He smiled.
|
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 12:12 pm
I think you did a great job but you may want to add a paragraph break in there somewhere. I like how you describe the rings and their powers too. You may also want to rewrite the first sentence, "clear" and "clearly" are a little redundant so close together.
|
 |
 |
|
|
ContrabassClarinetist Crew
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 6:02 pm
ContrabassClarinetist I think you did a great job but you may want to add a paragraph break in there somewhere. I like how you describe the rings and their powers too. You may also want to rewrite the first sentence, "clear" and "clearly" are a little redundant so close together. Thanks for the help. :3 *updates later*
|
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|