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 Posted: Wed Jan 12, 2011 12:46 pm
I put this here because of spousal abuse.
If it needs to be moved to the Relationship sub-form, please do so.
Sorry...
THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME.
I'm asking for help on behalf of a friend who I care about very much.
She and I graduated high school in 2009 and haven't talked a lot since then
because of a lot of drama between mutual friends.
We have started talking again, which is always a good thing.
She got a boyfriend in August 2009.
He was/is in the military and was sent over seas for almost a year.
Their relationship was rocky from the beginning; always on again, off again.
Fights over petty things like who was talking to who, etc.
October of last year, they went and got married.
I knew it was a huge mistake, giving what their past had been like.
I actually said, "I wouldn't be surprised if they break up again OR if she's pregnant within a year."
Sure enough, Thanksgiving rolls around and she announces that she's pregnant.
She posts a lot on Facebook.
99% of her posts are about how sick she is, she can't eat, can't sleep, etc.
Then she posts about how she can't stand how things are going,
how her husband won't let her leave the house and all this other stuff.
They moved to a military base that is about 30-40 miles from all her friends and family.
She literally has nobody to physically talk to, it's always a text message or over Facebook.
Her husband calls her crazy and stupid when she tries to call him out on his wrong-doings.
She said in a post today to one of her other friends that she wants a divorce.
She won't go through with it because she doesn't want to be alone.
I told her she wouldn't be alone; she has a bunch of friends who would back her up with any decision she made, including me.
What she doesn't realize is the way he's treating her isn't good for her or their baby.
She's so stressed that she's sick all the time and never gets any sleep.
I don't know what else to say to her.
She's just not the same person anymore and it breaks my heart.
If anyone has any advice that I can pass along to her,
I would really appreciate it.
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Posted: Wed Jan 12, 2011 1:48 pm
Sometimes, "We'll be here for you if you leave," is too vague. A person who's afraid of leaving might think they'd need more support than friends and family can give. Or they be too ashamed to ask for help. Or they might think they're only kind words. Has anyone offered to pick her up? Has anyone offered to let her stay with them? Has anyone asked what they could specifically do to make leaving easier for her?
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Posted: Wed Jan 12, 2011 2:00 pm
She's been offered places to stay,
for friends to come pick he up,
take her out for a Girl's Day.
All that and she won't take it.
She has a huge support system that is always offering help, but she won't take it because she's afraid.
I understand that it's hard,
but there's more important things to worry about than being alone.
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Posted: Wed Jan 12, 2011 2:57 pm
Hmm... you're right, that's a little tricky. Perhaps you could try giving her literature about the effects of stress on a baby during pregnancy (and if you can't find any, I can help you look some up on Google or whatnot). Encourage her to think about the baby and say that even if she leaves for a bit, her getting some space will be good for the baby, because stress definitely isn't good as you said. You could also try loaning/borrowing/getting some books for her on spousal abuse, so she has something to read even if she refuses to leave the house. A really good one that I read myself when I was in a bad relationship was "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum, and I've recommended it to others before. It could also help to sit with her and make a plan, a "what if plan" in case she does decide to leave at some point. That way there's "no pressure on her" to leave, but if she does decide to leave him, then there's a safety net and a plan already in place. Also within her support network, maybe someone could set up a space for her (guest bedroom, basement suite, etc), in case she needs to leave in an emergency or wants to leave with little notice? Then she'd have a safe space with protection from her husband, she could bring some of her things, have some baby supplies there, etc. Again, in case she decides to leave, it might help her make up her mind if she knows she has that space ready and waiting for her in case she decides to use it. Also, if someone gets to sit and talk with her, or get her into a discussion, propose some questions for her to think about, some "which is worse questions," such as: - What is worse: to be stressed all the time to the point of being sick all the time, or being alone? - What is worse: to be fighting all the time and being unhappy, or being alone? - What is worse: to be raising a baby in a bad relationship and in an unhealthy environment, or being alone? - She's YOUNG, she's got the rest of her life ahead of her. If he's been telling her that she'll never find anyone else, he's LYING and she deserves better. Moreso, so does their child. Lastly, while I don't want to encourage this, someone could always mention that a break now doesn't have to be a permanent split. Nothing is wrong with a temporary break/split/separation. Getting her out and away from him would be the first priority, IMHO, and then once she had some space to think more clearly, she could next decide what she wanted to do (and hopefully see that how he was treating her was wrong). That's all I can think of for now. I'm sorry to hear about your friend, that's a rough situation to be in, especially with a baby on the way.
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Posted: Wed Jan 12, 2011 4:57 pm
I have no way to get to her physically right now, unfortunately.
She's actually in the hospital right now.
She had some red spots pop up on her face, dizziness, and sharp pains.
She actually blacked out on her WALK to the hospital.
I haven't heard from her since then, nor have her other friends.
My mom did suggest me telling her that maybe she should contact her
husband's commanding officer to let him now what's going on at home.
I'm hoping to hear from her soon with good news.
Thanks for the links, Niko!
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Posted: Wed Jan 12, 2011 7:46 pm
Chiyu_12990 I have no way to get to her physically right now, unfortunately.
She's actually in the hospital right now.
She had some red spots pop up on her face, dizziness, and sharp pains.
She actually blacked out on her WALK to the hospital.
I haven't heard from her since then, nor have her other friends.
My mom did suggest me telling her that maybe she should contact her
husband's commanding officer to let him now what's going on at home.
I'm hoping to hear from her soon with good news.
Thanks for the links, Niko! You're most welcome. Would you mind keeping us posted? And yes that sounds like it could work, her telling his commanding officer - but if he's the type to beat her or hurt her, it'd probably be a good idea to get a safety plan in place beforehand. It would be awful if she took action and then got hurt because she didn't have a plan in place.
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Posted: Wed Jan 12, 2011 8:02 pm
If I could see her in person, I would definitely help her plan.
I'm not sure if he's hit her or beat her before/yet,
but I have a strong feeling that he has and she hasn't said anything.
She told me earlier this afternoon that he's broken her.
This after I told her that she's not the same person as she was in school.
I got a text message from her about two hours ago,
letting me know that she and the baby are perfectly fine.
The doctor have her a prescription for something, not sure what.
She was told to go home, eat and rest.
Apparently her husband showed up at this hospital all distraught and stuff and she was kind like, "Yeah, sure."
At least that's what she told me.
I'm pretty sure this isn't the end of this.
She has a family member coming to visit next month or so and hopefully
they talk with her about the entire situation.
I will be sure to keep this updated should anything else happen.
Thank you for the help Lorien and Niko!
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Posted: Wed Jan 12, 2011 10:08 pm
Chiyu_12990 If I could see her in person, I would definitely help her plan.
I'm not sure if he's hit her or beat her before/yet,
but I have a strong feeling that he has and she hasn't said anything.
She told me earlier this afternoon that he's broken her.
This after I told her that she's not the same person as she was in school.
I got a text message from her about two hours ago,
letting me know that she and the baby are perfectly fine.
The doctor have her a prescription for something, not sure what.
She was told to go home, eat and rest.
Apparently her husband showed up at this hospital all distraught and stuff and she was kind like, "Yeah, sure."
At least that's what she told me.
I'm pretty sure this isn't the end of this.
She has a family member coming to visit next month or so and hopefully
they talk with her about the entire situation.
I will be sure to keep this updated should anything else happen.
Thank you for the help Lorien and Niko! Thank you. heart
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Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 3:35 pm
[SERIOUS]
I received a message from her while I wasn't at home. My name is Krista, fyi. This is what it said.
"krista what did i do to deserve this sad
lastnight i found a girls number in his phone and called it and then i was texting from his phone to her and was asking who she was and stuff and she was like we met at a rave and all this and that and was like wernt u the one driving us around and getting us smokes. so when i asked him about her he went off on me got up and tried snatching his phone out my hand and snapped his phone in half then jumped on top of me and im trying to defend my self and then he spits on me and puts his fist to my stomack and says hell kill it just so ill leave quicker the i kicked him off of me and got up and he shoved me into the couch and kept trying to hold me down then i got back up and he pushed me up aginst the door then the wall then kept telling me i had to listen to him and im losing my voice crying and thorwing up so he goes upstairs and so i had to lay down so i slept in the livingroom lastnight. so this morning he comes downstairs and finds his broken phone and automatically starts going off saying i did it and he hates me and wants nothing to do with me. wants a divorce and hopes i get raped and die and how he hopes i miscarry so he wont have to pay anything. and sense he was trying to run away he couldnt find his keys when he kept throwing me around this morning . i put them in my bag that he threw outside in the ran with all my clothes and stuff and so he was going off because he couldnt run away before the cops came. so he broke my zune and tried taking my phone and grabbed me from behind and wrapped his arms around my stomach like doing the hymlic
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Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 11:50 pm
eek Wow. I'm glad she was able to call the cops though, that might have saved her life.
She said she's trying to come up with money to come back to Atlanta - can her family/support network come up with the money to buy her a 1-way ticket home? I don't know how Greyhound works down there, but up here one can have the ability (for a fee I would assume) to buy an open-ended ticket - no expiry date, and the person can use it whenever. Would something like that be possible, so that she can leave asap?
Can she speak to his commanding officer, or get to a women's shelter (transition house) for short-term living, until she can get away?
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Posted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 12:44 am
We actually live in Washington, across the water from Seattle.
I believe it's a cousin who lives in Atlanta who will be letting her stay.
I haven't talked to her much since she sent the message.
She just kind of...stopped talking.
I'll have to let her know to look into Greyhound.
I don't know how she's going to fund for traveling, unfortunately.
Perhaps her cousin will be helping her with that.
As for her speaking to his commanding officer, I'm not entirely sure.
She does have a protection order against him, so surely his commanding officer would know about everything by now,
at least I hope so.
I don't know where her husband is at right now,
but I'm sure she is at their house on the military base.
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Posted: Wed Jan 26, 2011 12:00 pm
A couple of friends and I are planning to drive to see my/our friend next week.
The one who is driving, B, said she's taking duffel bags and will make her leave.
Honestly, I don't know what to make of this...
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Posted: Wed Jan 26, 2011 12:22 pm
Chiyu_12990
A couple of friends and I are planning to drive to see my/our friend next week.
The one who is driving, B, said she's taking duffel bags and will make her leave.
Honestly, I don't know what to make of this... Good luck! I hope you guys can talk her into it. Make sure she gets her baby stuff too, if she has any at the house. Anything and everything should go - if she chooses to go back (but hopefully she won't), her stuff can always be brought back (theoretically). Please keep us posted, if you don't mind?
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