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I had to go to the doctor's today because I've been sick for the past three days. So, while I was lying half dead on the table, my older sister was filling out my papers. There were 200 symptoms we had to check to see if I suffer from. Two of them were: crying for no reason, and nervous break downs. It's nothing new for me so I didn't think much when I told my sister to check them. She gave me a confuzed look and was like, "really?"

So my doctor came in and he went through the symptoms. He asked me if I got depressed and I said yes. He asked how often and I told him that it was nothing new and that I often got depressed. He asked me when and I told him it happens randomly but usually when I have time to think on it (at night, when I'm alone, during class, etc). He asked me if I've ever thought/tried to commit suicide or hurt myself. I admit (but not to him because I've never thought about it seriously) about what suicide would be like but I never actually thought about putting myself into it. There was also a time my family was arguing and I went outside because I was crying. I hate crying...my family has taught me that, if you're going to cry, do it on your own time. I wanted to stop crying so badly that I struck at my arm (not my wrist, mind you. I wasn't stupid enough to attempt that) with the keys to concentrate on the pain. That's one of the only times I've really hurt myself...that and when I was younger but I was just being stupid then.

Another problem of mine is...I can't vent. I mean, it's different online and it's easier because I know the chances of seeing these people are slim to none...that and I wouldn't recognize them anywhoo. But I hate it when people try to get me to talk to them. I always regret it afterwards, no matter what anyone says. I don't think I could sit in group and just...talk. I'm also the type of person that likes to look at people in the eye when I'm talking...but I can't do that when I'm talking about issues like that.

THen there's my mom...I'm afraid of her reaction. She's a very stubborn person and doesn't like change or having problems in the family. My sister said that it's family reasons why I'm so depressed and flunking school, which has something to do with it... I'm afraid that my mom will start more fights with David (my step dad) and crap over it and I just don't want to deal with it.

But a part of me feels it will help, though I'm reluctant to go through with it. I don't want to be another kid diagnosed with ADD or what not, because I do have problems concentrating...but I don't want to be pinned with that stupid excuse. I'm already mad at myself that I've allowed my depression to affect me so much. It's embarrassing..at least in my eyes. There are just some subjects that are depressing me that I don't want others to find out about....I don't want to have to take these pointless medicines that won't help...I don't want to be dependent on those. My dad was...and its the medicine that killed him in the end.... I don't want it..

I'm just so lost..the medicine I'm on (the original reason I went to the doctor) has been giving me headaches and stomach pains..it's also made me really apathetic. I'm lost...I don't know what to do.